Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
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Top comments
Britttx26 0
You got yourself a winnnner!:)
hombrepollo 0
I don't wanna break it to u, but ur not the father...... It's chipotle
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Comments (399)
smalltowngirl13 0
Lovely.
notsoluckypup 12
Funny but a little over the top ...
loovemylife 7
Why dont any girls have self respect these days? That's not the least bit funny, it's disgusting. Yeah maybe it would be funny had she of said it to one of her friends, but to her boyfriend? Ew. Get some class.
Mifflicious 18
If you can say it to your friend but not your boyfriend, you maybe shouldn't have one. I mean you're gonna live your whole life with that person, and can't even say THAT?! Sucks big time..
sarahmcgeee 5
everyone poops, why can guys make jokes about it but not girls? yeah it's gross, but that's awesome that she's that comfortable with herself
blacksswan 10
51, I pity the man who will end up with you or is with you.
DamnSmooth 0
Look, we all know that women poop ; and that the cuter the woman is the less disgusting the aforementioned poop actually is.
loovemylife 7
Because I didn't find it funny? Like I said, it would've been funny had she of said it to a friend, but to her boyfriend it's just nasty haha.
Pebbles89 9
#51 obviously doesn't poop, toot, burp, or **********. if you can't joke about pooping with someone who sees you naked on a daily basis, then you shouldn't be subjecting your friends to your dumb bullshit. just sayin'.
loovemylife 7
I didn't realise they lived together, clearly its a complete different matter if they do. My opinion was based on the judgement they didn't live together. Because personally, I wouldn't say anything like that to a boyfriend unless I was really comfortable with/around him.
Joey44 15
Well... personally I wouldn't even consider having a man as my boyfriend if I didn't feel "really comfortable" around him, but to each their own, I guess. Maybe you just like feeling awkward around boys :/
MD_DILF 4
i totally agree, it shows a lack of self respect!
immaBlowfish827 0
I believe your boyfriend should be your best friend; therefore, you should be able to share jokes like this with one another without being ridiculed.
loovemylife 7
Clearly the OP wasn't too impressed with what his girlfriend said. I guess it's just your opinion, but personally I wont be telling my boyfriend every time I have a shit because it's not my kinda thing, and I think it's bad manners. But I have no problem with other 'bodily functions'. Evidently any kind of opinion you express on here will get you chewed at if people disagree, of course we're all going to have different opinions, don't go crazy at me for having mine.
usmcUSA 0
That was too long!
CeruleanGirl 4
Wow, she's a peach! But you should count yourself lucky that she has some form of a sense of humor. After all, life with someone utterly humorless would be dull.
tessieissexi 2
that is strait up nasty
drewfus2 6
Please explain to me how nasty can be up a strait.
ohSNAPyall 27
A strait is nasty when it's up shit creek.
THE_A_TEEN 28
now you can raise him together and hopefully, grow into the next bono.
likewoahxHelen 5
Lmao yesssssss
Chuck88 2
Randy FTW
Calivale 7
That's some people humor. It is funny! Not all girls gotta be all classy!
Bacontree 14
Be glad you and the girl you're dating aren't really going to be parents. :)
ScuseMePrincess 2
That's funny, but this is not an FML at all.
Rainbow_dumpster 28
Could somebody Moderate this comment?
Petal23 11
wish i could meet this girl!