Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach... - FML

By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 4/3/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Everyone's an expert

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By that girl has a beard - 4/8/2015 07:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By - 29/11/2019 20:00

Last act

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 03:00

Today, I found a video on my boyfriend's phone of him getting a blowjob. When I confronted him, he panicked and claimed it was me in the video. Then he tried to say it was from before we met, even though in the video he was wearing the watch I bought him for his birthday 3 days ago. FML

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By PharmSlave - 1/5/2015 06:12 - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By N O - 27/5/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

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By markzar - 5/5/2012 07:19 - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By geedeewhy - 1/1/2019 04:00

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

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By Man Shamed - 29/6/2019 10:00 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By shinoza - 13/2/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By WaffleJesus - 7/10/2015 08:29 - United States

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

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By DrawingWaves - 27/9/2016 22:36 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 18:08 - United States - East Northport

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 17:28 - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

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By face - 25/3/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

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By hatemyluck - 10/9/2012 02:12 - United States - Bronx

Today, my boyfriend was showing me photos on his iPod when he came across a photo of a half-naked girl. He tried to play it off by quickly changing it, only to reveal even more half-naked girls. FML

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By random - 6/5/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

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By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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By Dumbblonde - 3/5/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was babysitting this little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park so we did. When we were walking back, I was caring her on my back. When were almost at the door, she told me she had to go pee. I told her to hold it. As we were walking in the door I felt a warm spot on my back. FML

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By kstaa - 10/2/2010 11:47 - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2018 01:30

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

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By AcademicAdvisor - 25/4/2016 20:14 - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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By hardwarekit - 31/10/2014 14:27 - United States - Fairport

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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By Joel - 28/10/2018 15:30

Today, I got a ticket for doing 38mph in a 45mph zone. Apparently you can be cited for "impeding traffic" even when you're the only car on the road. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2013 17:28 - United States - Dell Rapids

Today, my entire gym class had to run the 1600 with our coach calling out finishing times. My finishing time was reported as "3 days short of a year." FML

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By Novocain - 20/4/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

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By jm_track - 26/2/2011 22:59 - United States

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

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By Sheezey - 24/2/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

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By FuglyBetty - 13/11/2014 16:44 - Norway - Arendal

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

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By kylie - 15/11/2010 21:17 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

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By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 04:00

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2016 01:07 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mom called me in a panic because someone had hacked my phone and was sending her evil faces. They were emojis I'd accidentally butt-dialed. FML

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By lateforwork - 2/9/2019 14:00

Rush hour

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

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By iamScaredyCat - 3/4/2020 20:00

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

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By Ottawa - 12/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

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By Honey Badger - 8/3/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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Top comments

By feven | 32

#6221696 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

You should've said "I'm not a man" just to fuck with him too

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6221690 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:19

You're not on the pill!? Jeez man. At least use condoms Eh mate!

Comments

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6221690 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:19

You're not on the pill!? Jeez man. At least use condoms Eh mate!

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6222445 - Thursday 5 March 2015 20:10

never thought I would say this but thats a cool doctor.

By feven | 32

#6221696 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

You should've said "I'm not a man" just to fuck with him too

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#6221715 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:26

Luckily for OP, there's a chance the doctor thought OP was playing along with the joke and made a really good pretend freakout?

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6221718 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:33

And told the doc he's the father.

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6221927 - Thursday 5 March 2015 5:59

The doctor knows his gender from the papers he has to submit before being seen...

Reply

ChrissyRaz | 9

#6222230 - Thursday 5 March 2015 17:24

#63 Way to kill it, captain obvious

Reply

Nevrdai | 5

#6223722 - Friday 6 March 2015 23:45

"I thought you were a doctor and you can't even differentiate gender?!" Hahaha

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6221697 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

took freaked out to a new level

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6221736 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:45

Maybe you should take the next level. The capital level. Perhaps even a "T".

Reply

PurpleSprite | 7

#6221859 - Thursday 5 March 2015 4:17

we all understand what he's saying, so is that really necessary? not defending him or anything but go about your business dude.

By patrickalamo | 47

#6221698 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:21

Sympathy pains for your girlfriend maybe?

By wishfulthinks | 19

#6221702 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

Did the doctor diagnose stupidity?

Reply

badmandilon | 19

#6221786 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:45

Is it necessary?

By acommonman | 23

#6221705 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

You're a complete idiot, haha. Sorry OP, but you deserve this one.

By BlondePsycho | 43

#6221708 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6221785 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:44

"Gullible" isn't in the dictionary, but it's written on the ceiling!

Reply

113421145311564 | 14

#6222381 - Thursday 5 March 2015 19:26

...

By seholland | 11

#6221710 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

Geez... I guess you shouldn't be such a BABY about it...? anyone... no?

Reply

bab3ruthl3ss | 16

#6221758 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:03

No.

By Stazza11 | 27

#6221711 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

You probably did need to give birth though, to a huge shit. Same concept, completely different experience and people don't exactly congratulate you and want to hold it.

Reply

TheHumanHeater | 6

#6221734 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:45

I believe the proper term is mud baby

By MDoremis | 38

#6221712 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

I think I laughed a little harder than I should have. Sorry, OP!

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6221732 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:44

Why be sorry? This is FML. He posted this at his own risk. Of course we are going to mock OP.

Reply

Wilffe56 | 9

#6224598 - Saturday 7 March 2015 19:22

Yes we're going to mock posters, but we're not going to be jerks about it.