Health: Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach... - FML

By actually just constipated.. and stupid - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

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Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By district12 - United Kingdom

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

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By Shamdog48 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By slowrunner - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

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By bobo - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

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By its still broken - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

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By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Feelings

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). That person is my boss. He told everyone. FML

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By confused - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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By boyfriend123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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By Tired

Today, was my first day off in almost a month. My husband and I spent all morning arguing then he left to his job saying he won't be back tonight. Apparently I'm being neglectful because I don't have the energy for sex after being the only one working FT, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By fartypeepee - Australia

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

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By uhhh what? - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By Noname - United States

Photoshopped

Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML

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By me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By mimabee - United States

Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML

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By okay17 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

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By thisentiretime... - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

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By Robert - 6/2/2021 14:00 - United States

Shitheads

Today, it's been a week since I hired a 17 year-old guy to work at my store. Three of his friends decided to come in today and "prank" him by all three taking a shit in one toilet and clog it. The toilet overflowed. FML

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By lez probs - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

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By SamAaron502 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I woke up at 3a.m. to get ready for a "fun work retreat". After driving 2 hours to the site, I find that nobody is there. After about half an hour standing there freezing, I get an email from my boss, telling me that "It's canceled due to bad weather". FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

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By soontobemurder

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

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By Helmet - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

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By blah. - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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By soapy - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

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By go snope yourself - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By BrokeAF

Today, I eagerly applied for a high-salary, fully supportive graduate program that I qualified for. There were 5 steps in the application process. I was turned down after the first one. FML

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By Lily Cakes - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching a TV show with my 7-year-old niece. A scene came on where the main character was being tortured, and the one torturing him said "I'm gonna make you scream." Without hesitating, I said, "Oh, kinky." My niece turned to me and asked, "What does kinky mean?" FML

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By c*nt - Canada - London

Today, I was Skyping with this kid, when his girlfriend started arguing with him. They do this every other week, and there was a bet on when they'd finally break up. I egged the guy on and told him not to take her shit. She ended up dumping him. Now I feel like an asshole, and all for a lousy $20. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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Top comments

By feven | 32

#6221696 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

You should've said "I'm not a man" just to fuck with him too

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6221690 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:19

You're not on the pill!? Jeez man. At least use condoms Eh mate!

COMMENTS

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6221690 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:19

You're not on the pill!? Jeez man. At least use condoms Eh mate!

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6222445 - Thursday 5 March 2015 20:10

never thought I would say this but thats a cool doctor.

By feven | 32

#6221696 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

You should've said "I'm not a man" just to fuck with him too

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#6221715 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:26

Luckily for OP, there's a chance the doctor thought OP was playing along with the joke and made a really good pretend freakout?

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6221718 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:33

And told the doc he's the father.

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6221927 - Thursday 5 March 2015 5:59

The doctor knows his gender from the papers he has to submit before being seen...

Reply

ChrissyRaz | 9

#6222230 - Thursday 5 March 2015 17:24

#63 Way to kill it, captain obvious

Reply

Nevrdai | 5

#6223722 - Friday 6 March 2015 23:45

"I thought you were a doctor and you can't even differentiate gender?!" Hahaha

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6221697 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

took freaked out to a new level

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6221736 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:45

Maybe you should take the next level. The capital level. Perhaps even a "T".

Reply

PurpleSprite | 7

#6221859 - Thursday 5 March 2015 4:17

we all understand what he's saying, so is that really necessary? not defending him or anything but go about your business dude.

By patrickalamo | 47

#6221698 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:21

Sympathy pains for your girlfriend maybe?

By wishfulthinks | 19

#6221702 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

Did the doctor diagnose stupidity?

Reply

badmandilon | 19

#6221786 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:45

Is it necessary?

By acommonman | 23

#6221705 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

You're a complete idiot, haha. Sorry OP, but you deserve this one.

By BlondePsycho | 43

#6221708 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6221785 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:44

"Gullible" isn't in the dictionary, but it's written on the ceiling!

Reply

113421145311564 | 14

#6222381 - Thursday 5 March 2015 19:26

...

By seholland | 11

#6221710 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

Geez... I guess you shouldn't be such a BABY about it...? anyone... no?

Reply

bab3ruthl3ss | 16

#6221758 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:03

No.

By Stazza11 | 27

#6221711 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

You probably did need to give birth though, to a huge shit. Same concept, completely different experience and people don't exactly congratulate you and want to hold it.

Reply

TheHumanHeater | 6

#6221734 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:45

I believe the proper term is mud baby

By MDoremis | 38

#6221712 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

I think I laughed a little harder than I should have. Sorry, OP!

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6221732 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:44

Why be sorry? This is FML. He posted this at his own risk. Of course we are going to mock OP.

Reply

Wilffe56 | 9

#6224598 - Saturday 7 March 2015 19:22

Yes we're going to mock posters, but we're not going to be jerks about it.