Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach... - FML

By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 4/3/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

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Season finale

Spooky

Non-baby fever

By teacher - 25/1/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

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By VladyBoi - 1/11/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

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By RBHSWedgieGirl - 23/1/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

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By jumanji - 23/3/2015 23:19

Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By InconsiderateMuch - 16/6/2013 18:11 - Canada - High River

Today, my boyfriend bought another expensive bong to go with the one he bought last month, along with his new phone, airsoft gun, and various other things he's blown our money on this year. He's bought nothing to prepare for our son, though, who's due next month. FML

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By Ann - 31/5/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML

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By pyrosythan - 20/7/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's dad chased me with a baseball bat because he found a pair of my boxers in her room. They were not there because I left them there, they were there because she stole them. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 23:00

Crisis

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 14:02

Forever the bridesmaid

Today, after watching my roommate and her boyfriend be all lovey dovey for months, I now have to watch two of our other friends flirting as well. I'm painfully single and have been struggling to change that for years. FML

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By Raela - 4/1/2013 16:59 - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

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By cachucy - 18/3/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By Micawber - 31/1/2011 13:55 - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 20:04

High school drama

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 16:27 - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

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By pear8head - 8/8/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I thought a pipe was going to burst in my shower because it was making such a loud rumbling so I called my boyfriend freaking out telling him I didnt know what to do. After taking a second to look a little harder, I realized it was my vibrating razor against the shower wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 15:51 - Netherlands - Sevenum

Today, I opened up to my best friend about my depression. Her response: "If you're so depressed, why don't you just kill yourself?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 14:54 - France

Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML

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By NotAPrincess - 12/5/2015 16:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 04:49 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2013 07:02 - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

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By FriendlessLoser - 17/8/2016 07:11 - United States - Bristow

Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML

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By Rachel - 12/2/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

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By me - 22/9/2013 13:34 - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized the only "person" I have talked to in the last two days is Siri. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2010 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

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By DefinitelyNotMyMeds - 22/2/2019 20:00 - Canada

Today, just like everyday, I opened my med box, took out a blister pack and took one of the pills before putting the pack back in the box. Today, not like everyday, I had diarrhea. Turns out one of the packs was laxatives put in my med box by my boyfriend because they looked the same as my meds. FML

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By pigtails - 16/1/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

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By tiredoffamilydinners - 12/1/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

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By Si123 - 15/8/2020 08:01

Night terrors

Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

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By StillHurt - 19/1/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By anonymous - 16/9/2013 05:35 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

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Top comments

By feven | 32

#6221696 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

You should've said "I'm not a man" just to fuck with him too

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6221690 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:19

You're not on the pill!? Jeez man. At least use condoms Eh mate!

COMMENTS

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6221690 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:19

You're not on the pill!? Jeez man. At least use condoms Eh mate!

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6222445 - Thursday 5 March 2015 20:10

never thought I would say this but thats a cool doctor.

By feven | 32

#6221696 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

You should've said "I'm not a man" just to fuck with him too

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#6221715 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:26

Luckily for OP, there's a chance the doctor thought OP was playing along with the joke and made a really good pretend freakout?

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6221718 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:33

And told the doc he's the father.

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6221927 - Thursday 5 March 2015 5:59

The doctor knows his gender from the papers he has to submit before being seen...

Reply

ChrissyRaz | 9

#6222230 - Thursday 5 March 2015 17:24

#63 Way to kill it, captain obvious

Reply

Nevrdai | 5

#6223722 - Friday 6 March 2015 23:45

"I thought you were a doctor and you can't even differentiate gender?!" Hahaha

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6221697 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:20

took freaked out to a new level

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6221736 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:45

Maybe you should take the next level. The capital level. Perhaps even a "T".

Reply

PurpleSprite | 7

#6221859 - Thursday 5 March 2015 4:17

we all understand what he's saying, so is that really necessary? not defending him or anything but go about your business dude.

By patrickalamo | 47

#6221698 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:21

Sympathy pains for your girlfriend maybe?

By wishfulthinks | 19

#6221702 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

Did the doctor diagnose stupidity?

Reply

badmandilon | 19

#6221786 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:45

Is it necessary?

By acommonman | 23

#6221705 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

You're a complete idiot, haha. Sorry OP, but you deserve this one.

By BlondePsycho | 43

#6221708 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:22

Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6221785 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:44

"Gullible" isn't in the dictionary, but it's written on the ceiling!

Reply

113421145311564 | 14

#6222381 - Thursday 5 March 2015 19:26

...

By seholland | 11

#6221710 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

Geez... I guess you shouldn't be such a BABY about it...? anyone... no?

Reply

bab3ruthl3ss | 16

#6221758 - Thursday 5 March 2015 1:03

No.

By Stazza11 | 27

#6221711 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

You probably did need to give birth though, to a huge shit. Same concept, completely different experience and people don't exactly congratulate you and want to hold it.

Reply

TheHumanHeater | 6

#6221734 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:45

I believe the proper term is mud baby

By MDoremis | 38

#6221712 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:23

I think I laughed a little harder than I should have. Sorry, OP!

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6221732 - Thursday 5 March 2015 0:44

Why be sorry? This is FML. He posted this at his own risk. Of course we are going to mock OP.

Reply

Wilffe56 | 9

#6224598 - Saturday 7 March 2015 19:22

Yes we're going to mock posters, but we're not going to be jerks about it.