Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a... - FML

By dangit - 11/9/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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Rock, hard place

Does it taste good?

Weird kid

By Himynameisjacob - 5/1/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I was told that, although I was sick on the last day before break, they would still accept the 24 page essay that I had written. Tonight, as I went to print it out, I found that my dad had "cleaned up a bit" on my computer, including the documents from last semester. I have school tomorrow. FML

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By loki - 13/3/2010 09:17 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

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By bill - 28/11/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By baconbreath=| - 13/11/2010 05:12 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML

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By Miserableperson - 18/3/2017 18:00

Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML

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By shitty shit - 26/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By cantunhear - 20/12/2014 03:16 - United States - Fishkill

Today, my parents had a loud argument over who is worse in bed. FML

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By o___O" - 10/5/2013 20:11 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 04:17 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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By JulleandCici - 31/1/2009 15:03 - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

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By nobodywasthere - 29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

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By KBL3 - 11/8/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

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By ThisIsMyLife - 15/9/2019 12:00

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

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By lils - 5/8/2012 17:45 - United States

Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML

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By OhNo - 22/1/2016 21:28 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

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By poordog - 5/1/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By Burp - 19/4/2012 12:37 - United States

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

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By BilletsDoudous - 15/1/2015 06:51 - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

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By preggo eggo - 30/11/2017 16:00

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Today, after months of my fiancé begging me to have a baby with him, I found out I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want a baby anymore. FML

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By Stranded - 17/7/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

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By so embarrassed - 5/1/2013 21:56 - United States - South Salem

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He wound up drinking a whole bottle of wine, and when the bill came he drunkenly yelled at the waiter, claiming it should be free, because he's in the military "fighting for your freedom". He's a mechanic in the National Guard. FML

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By moneyman22 - 1/3/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By hejdixjeln - 17/3/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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By ifaisal - 26/2/2010 03:05 - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By simple living - 29/4/2015 02:43 - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By whatjusthappened - 6/9/2013 00:46 - United States - Loveland

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

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By Kitcat034 - 22/1/2018 15:00

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

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By anonymous - 25/3/2016 22:19 - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early. He thought it was a sign from God and thinks we're going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2013 20:43 - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

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By justine - 13/12/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonalds slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML

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By chickfilady - 29/7/2016 03:10

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - 7/8/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 05:06 - United States

Today, I drove my new car with a manual transmission for the first time by myself. I was at a stoplight and saw a cute guy in the car next to me. He looked my way and gave me "the nod". The light turned green and I tried to go but I stalled out, lurching my car forward right into the car next to me. FML

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Top comments

By ericwashere | 0

#3272117 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:54

The cookie monster is disapointed in you

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3272180 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:14

Hurry and extinguish it and say 'That's what you do in case of a small fire.' So that would be the finale to your whole responsibilty speech

COMMENTS

By EpicPear | 0

#3272114 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:54

Spoke too soon.

Reply

GracieLou113 | 0

#3272197 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:20

i must agree!

Reply

BB_ava | 0

#3272335 - Sunday 11 September 2011 13:38

Did all the applicants flee?

Reply

indielove | 13

#3272406 - Sunday 11 September 2011 14:18

You should have looked at them and gone "quick test, who can put out that fire?" then proceed to act like it was on purpose.

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3272718 - Sunday 11 September 2011 16:14

I'm betting you got the weird roommate, the one who likes to count your freckles, and watches you sleep.

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3273089 - Sunday 11 September 2011 18:25

What a waste of cookies
:'|

Reply

KatherineAnne | 7

#3273189 - Sunday 11 September 2011 18:57

Hehe

By ericwashere | 0

#3272117 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:54

The cookie monster is disapointed in you

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#3272260 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:48

COOKIEEEEE!

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3272467 - Sunday 11 September 2011 14:53

2 when she throws the cookies out Oscar the grouch will be happy with her.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3272978 - Sunday 11 September 2011 17:50

I think the proper term is Vegetable monster.

By killercole85 | 0

#3272126 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:56

Penis

Reply

KoolKidFly | 0

#3272131 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:58

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO. Srsly though, plz die.

Reply

KoolKidFly | 0

#3272140 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:01

Haha lol. Whoopsies. Wrong comment xD Let the negative votes rolllll

By denvan | 0

#3272133 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:59

Oh yes very responsible of you. Pass a beer

Reply

Bbhd05 | 0

#3272747 - Sunday 11 September 2011 16:28

Ydi for not having a timer

By killercole85 | 0

#3272146 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:02

Dumb ass

Reply

abbybailey204 | 19

#3272424 - Sunday 11 September 2011 14:27

Wow, ur a dick

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3273165 - Sunday 11 September 2011 18:48

Well, if it is not "Dumb ass"... then what is it? An accident? No, a careless, avoidable accident that demonstrates EXACTLY the point that OP was attempting to make about responsibility.

Dumb ass, half ass, brainless, stupid, careless. Call it what you want.

Reply

killercole85 | 0

#3282637 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 13:39

57 is right but 25, you can calm the fuck down

By sheethapins | 13

#3272161 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:06

Burned.

Reply

myfruitloop | 0

#3274849 - Monday 12 September 2011 1:58

I see way you did there.

By Jxhn | 4

#3272174 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:11

Eh. Do better next time.

Reply

danielreader22 | 4

#3274433 - Sunday 11 September 2011 23:48

Do better at what? Baking cookies?

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3272180 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:14

Hurry and extinguish it and say 'That's what you do in case of a small fire.' So that would be the finale to your whole responsibilty speech

Reply

somerandomdude19 | 2

#3276184 - Monday 12 September 2011 7:00

Like a BOSS yea yea!!!

By xx000o | 27

#3272200 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:22

Let them know that it was a future senior moment.

By kaityjo | 0

#3272212 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:27

must have been either a very long house tour or some very quick burning biscuits

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3272515 - Sunday 11 September 2011 15:13

That was my thought, too. Odd to come into a kitchen that's not yet yours and just start baking. Why not bake them at your current home and just drop them off?

Reply

valalvax | 13

#3274518 - Monday 12 September 2011 0:03

I think she was accepting new roomies?

Cookies/biscuits cook in 13-15 minutes, a 2-3 bedroom house could take that long to tour especially considering there'd be chatting involved

Though I guess it'd take an extra 5 or so minutes to catch fire