Miscellaneous: Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a... - FML

By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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Out of it

Property law

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By Brotherssuckkk - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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By "axon Impulse"

Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong! Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML

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By mental - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

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By now have a cat - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

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By NotTilly - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By car trouble - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my dad refused to pick me up because he didn't want to get off the couch, so I had to walk for an hour and a half to get home. When I finally got home, my dad had gone out to pick my sister up from her friend's house. Her friend lives a 3-minute walk away. FML

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By crossfitter

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Galt

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm sick with a stomach flu. For the last 5 hours, I've been going back and forth from the couch to the bathroom. Each time I get into the bathroom, I have to make a choice of whether to sit on the toilet or kneel by it. Each time I have to clean up the other mess. FML

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By sadf4x0r - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By Preggo

Today, I vomited so hard into the toilet that the water splashed back into my face. I instinctually moved away only to finish puking on the floor. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By madison77 - United States

Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By Tasty - United States

Today, I went into a restaurant and sat at a bar near three guys who appeared to be 19 or 20. They did not acknowledge me. 15 minutes later, my burger arrived. They all ran over to ask me about it. I haven't been hit on in months. My cheeseburger is more attractive to men than I am. FML

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By llmd - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML

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By middleagednurse - 18/3/2020 17:00

Stay Safe!

Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

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By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By myeyesburn - Canada

Dangleberries

Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML

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By Anonymous

Hangover

Today, I got really sick after drinking a lot of alcohol and started throwing up. Every time I threw up into the toilet, the water would splash back up into my face. FML

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By hannamacintosh - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

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By milksquad

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

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By j

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dunkirk

Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML

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By NoComparison - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML

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By Charlie - Australia

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, after holing myself up in my room for the day, I eventually turned my phone back on and told my girlfriend that my grandma passed away today. She replied, "Ask me if I fucking care," then accused me of not caring about our relationship because I went offline all day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

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By smartgirl - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

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By Idiot on the bus

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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Top comments

By ericwashere | 0

#3272117 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:54

The cookie monster is disapointed in you

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3272180 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:14

Hurry and extinguish it and say 'That's what you do in case of a small fire.' So that would be the finale to your whole responsibilty speech

COMMENTS

By EpicPear | 0

#3272114 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:54

Spoke too soon.

Reply

GracieLou113 | 0

#3272197 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:20

i must agree!

Reply

BB_ava | 0

#3272335 - Sunday 11 September 2011 13:38

Did all the applicants flee?

Reply

indielove | 13

#3272406 - Sunday 11 September 2011 14:18

You should have looked at them and gone "quick test, who can put out that fire?" then proceed to act like it was on purpose.

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3272718 - Sunday 11 September 2011 16:14

I'm betting you got the weird roommate, the one who likes to count your freckles, and watches you sleep.

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3273089 - Sunday 11 September 2011 18:25

What a waste of cookies
:'|

Reply

KatherineAnne | 7

#3273189 - Sunday 11 September 2011 18:57

Hehe

By ericwashere | 0

#3272117 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:54

The cookie monster is disapointed in you

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#3272260 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:48

COOKIEEEEE!

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3272467 - Sunday 11 September 2011 14:53

2 when she throws the cookies out Oscar the grouch will be happy with her.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3272978 - Sunday 11 September 2011 17:50

I think the proper term is Vegetable monster.

By killercole85 | 0

#3272126 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:56

Penis

Reply

KoolKidFly | 0

#3272131 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:58

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO. Srsly though, plz die.

Reply

KoolKidFly | 0

#3272140 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:01

Haha lol. Whoopsies. Wrong comment xD Let the negative votes rolllll

By denvan | 0

#3272133 - Sunday 11 September 2011 11:59

Oh yes very responsible of you. Pass a beer

Reply

Bbhd05 | 0

#3272747 - Sunday 11 September 2011 16:28

Ydi for not having a timer

By killercole85 | 0

#3272146 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:02

Dumb ass

Reply

abbybailey204 | 19

#3272424 - Sunday 11 September 2011 14:27

Wow, ur a dick

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3273165 - Sunday 11 September 2011 18:48

Well, if it is not "Dumb ass"... then what is it? An accident? No, a careless, avoidable accident that demonstrates EXACTLY the point that OP was attempting to make about responsibility.

Dumb ass, half ass, brainless, stupid, careless. Call it what you want.

Reply

killercole85 | 0

#3282637 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 13:39

57 is right but 25, you can calm the fuck down

By sheethapins | 13

#3272161 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:06

Burned.

Reply

myfruitloop | 0

#3274849 - Monday 12 September 2011 1:58

I see way you did there.

By Jxhn | 4

#3272174 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:11

Eh. Do better next time.

Reply

danielreader22 | 4

#3274433 - Sunday 11 September 2011 23:48

Do better at what? Baking cookies?

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3272180 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:14

Hurry and extinguish it and say 'That's what you do in case of a small fire.' So that would be the finale to your whole responsibilty speech

Reply

somerandomdude19 | 2

#3276184 - Monday 12 September 2011 7:00

Like a BOSS yea yea!!!

By xx000o | 27

#3272200 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:22

Let them know that it was a future senior moment.

By kaityjo | 0

#3272212 - Sunday 11 September 2011 12:27

must have been either a very long house tour or some very quick burning biscuits

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3272515 - Sunday 11 September 2011 15:13

That was my thought, too. Odd to come into a kitchen that's not yet yours and just start baking. Why not bake them at your current home and just drop them off?

Reply

valalvax | 13

#3274518 - Monday 12 September 2011 0:03

I think she was accepting new roomies?

Cookies/biscuits cook in 13-15 minutes, a 2-3 bedroom house could take that long to tour especially considering there'd be chatting involved

Though I guess it'd take an extra 5 or so minutes to catch fire