Future Darwin Award
Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML
Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML
Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML
Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML
Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML
Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML
Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML
Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, my son tried my great-grandad's 90 year-old whiskey, didn’t like it, and poured it all down the sink. When I confronted him, he confidently told me it was nasty and must have expired, so he did me a favour and poured it away and washed the bottle. I had to walk away and remind myself I love him. FML
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Top comments
josh7279 7
Wow your son is that desperate?
Mike09220 14
Natural selection.
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Comments (126)
micha090 21
Hide the whitener from him OP.
GrinchFu1 27
See... This shit really pisses me off. What ever happened to survival of the fittest!?! Years ago people like this would have just died off, but we don't let that happen anymore. We gotta save everyone. Generation after generation we just get more and more mentally defunct... This is why. I'm obviously being over dramatic... But I hope you get the point. Next time don't stop him ;-) lol.
kbecks87 16
Most of the ones that dumb as children grow in to douche bag adults.
Peachy2392 26
Calm down, 45. He's only joking...sort of.
adyb 12
This joke would be a lot funnier if you weren't talking about a child, 15
GrinchFu1 27
I am only sort of joking. The whole reason I took the joke as far as I did was because it was a child... Gotta push the envelope a little ;-) Also... I would like to believe I've done a better job as a parent and that my child wouldn't be this stupid. I may be wrong... Only time will tell. Ha!
mandyrozrox 13
why aftershave? There are so many things he could've used.. But logic in his mind is aftershave?
sunnyray812 42
Even though there are other things to use, he really shouldn't drink. He's far too young, and drinking (when over-doing it) is pretty harmful to the body.
Blink_me26 21
In my hometown Listerine is kept behind the counter because a particular group of people drink it in excess. Of course they would be sick as a dog long before they were drunk, quite like your son will be.
xpokeloverx 6
My husband tried to get drunk of of Listerine once.
Michael903 18
That is why you have to strain it through bread first...
Wakachulak 22
Russian regularly get drunk of a cocktail called Samogon whose main ingredient is aftershave, so your son has the right idea. Well, right way about going about a bad idea...
macystar 14
And that's why Russia has a new drug called crokidil, (or how ever it's spelt), that eats your skin from the inside out.
8born8 18
And that's why there's 'Those Russians in Russia.' The smart ones left years ago and settled in other countries, like my grandparents did.
caitylynn05 16
I'm curious, how did he come up with that idea??
paigexox0 37
If he was smart he would have just looked for the booze in the house..y'know the non poisonous way to do it
Sputnikspak 13
Kinda glad I was raised in Quebec. Drinking beer at 14 is pretty much encouraged by parents. Might not be legal age, but they'd rather us have a few beers under supervision and with permission younger and get it out of our systems. Drinking to excess was boring by the time I turned 18. Let him drink a beer or two at home, less likely to do stupid shit like this.
SweetasCandy0609 28
oh ya that's a great idea because there is no way that once that happens he will think it's okay to drink when his parents aren't around, HE IS 14 NOT A ADULT SO HE SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING ALCOHOL AT ALL! Please don't reproduce because your mentality is ridiculous.
xpokeloverx 6
In the US, parents can go to jail for giving alcohol to minors if the police find out that they are allowing someone underage to drink
Alicestraza 33
#30 people like you create 14 year old boys like in the FML. There is nothing wrong with drinking at 14 if it's controlled and supervised. Everyone I know who wasn't allowed to touched a drop of alcohol until they were 18 are completely ****** right now and getting crazy drunk most nights. However everyone who was allowed to drink in moderation and a safe environment aren't doing on any crazy benders. Saying someone with that mentality shouldn't reproduce is stupid, you're basically saying a bunch of people in Europe shouldn't reproduce.
hokie16 13
#32, When I was getting my license and they were giving the drunk driving speech to us in the court room, they addressed our parents and said what you do in your own home with your own child is up to you. Technically illegal, yeah, but they practically said as long as you don't let them leave your house, you only involve your own kids, and nothing bad comes of it, they don't care.
nightbirdblue 27
The whole problem with us in the USA is our society doesn't do moderation well. We don't go halfway. We push extremes. We go all or nothing. Underage drinking and that being legal or not legal would not really affect the problems we have with alcohol. How many of us are caffeine addicts? That is pretty legal, and yet I bet that a large population is dependent on caffeine for their daily routine. Think of how many people have died or ended up hospitalized for a period of time because they knew they had a heart condition and decided to chug as many energy drinks as they could.
RedPillSucks 31
Give him a bottle of Guinness Stout. Make sure he finishes the entire thing. Tell him all beer taste like that.
8born8 18
30, being of russian heritage, I was introduced to alcohol at an early age. I was always taught to respect and never abuse alcohol. If there was a special occasion I was allowed to have a small sip from my mums' or grandmothers' glass to celebrate as part of the family, at my parents' discretion. As a teen my parents, especially my mum, taught me how to enjoy alcohol but still have fun and a good time without it. I didn't feel the need to sneak out to the park at night and go drinking with the other teens in town, because I knew that if I wanted to I could ask my parents if I could have a drink with them while we had dinner & they would make me a diluted scotch & coke or glass of wine or they'd say no and that was the end of it. I was 13 when I had my first 'shot of vodka' at my birthday party surrounded by family as a rite of passage and a special treat. It was only half vodka half water but it was still special. I plan on teaching my daughter about alcohol the same way my parents did & their parents before them. Knowledge is power and being properly informed about something leads to better choices.
l_ 19
@75 Yeah, I can vouch for that technique. Apparently, when I was young (around 4-8 yrs old. iunno, guess i was too drunk to remember lol), I would sneak around when my mom had company over, grab someones beer when no one was looking and just chug that shit. So when my mom found out and couldn't get me to stop she just left out some Guinness. I found it, drank it, cried a lot, and never drank beer again (21 now and still hate beer).
YouKnowIMeantMe_ 21
@ 75 & 85 Guinness is absolutely the only beer I actually like. And no, I'm not Irish.
AntiPrude 26
@30 Wow, you are a complete moron. I really hate people like you, your only sense of right and wrong comes government ads and the bible. You're simple minded, and have no real moral compass. Just because something is technically illegal, it does not make it unethical. I hope YOU dont have any kids, which is unlikely because i bet guys keep their distance from you, last thing we need is more conservative hyper-moral retards.
seamonkeys 10
63, good point. Most Americans also think our laws and "morals" are right and every other culture is wrong. It is acceptable for teens to drink on special occasions and in moderation in other countries. Just because it isn't socially acceptable and illegal here doesn't mean its wrong if parents teach their children about moderation properly. My 13 year old is starting to become curious about alcohol. I let him taste a few drops of Jager and that cured his curiosity.
hessel 13
well that is a story to tell him when he is older
BrookRae 19
He's 14, I'm sure he'll remember that when he's older.
hessel 13
not everybody remembers things from when they were 14
SweetasCandy0609 28
After your son is done getting sick you need to have a talk with him about how he is entirely to young to drink although at his age it will probably go in one ear and out the other but it still needs to be done.
8born8 18
After OPs son is done being sick, the chat should be about who, what, when, where, how and most importantly WHY!?!!! Talking about attitude, responsibilities, alcohol consumption, age relevance, cause, effect, consequences and limitations should follow after that.