By mildver - Costa Rica

First Dates

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Fake News

Some winners…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

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By lonelyniceguy - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. I thought I would be nice and cook them both a dinner along with my own. Mine took a little longer to cook, so they ate before me and went back to her bedroom. I ate alone to the sound of them having fun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By mtorres8789 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

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By crazyt446 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By BirthdayFail - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

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By TanjinaRubbaiyat - Bangladesh

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

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By Nafypoo

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

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By bad son - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

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By WhatdyaDo - Canada

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

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By jazzybell - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

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By blasted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By Max - United States - Bluffton

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

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By lostbandana - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

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By dumbass

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

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By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By mary - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad has been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML

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By coughandcold - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

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By gl0b3suck0r - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

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By kstaa - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

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By BrokeAF - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By mannnnn2717 - Australia

Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML

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By fuck you - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By MicachuPikachu - United States - Independence

Today, to make it seem like the customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came from my own pocket. FML

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By 3 More Months - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

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By Zoey - Canada

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

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Top comments

By Juli_fml | 0

#126635 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:11

what a weird way to end a date. i'm so sorry.

By Snow_White_fml | 3

#126655 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:25

What a loser leaving like that, you are better off without that kind of girl

COMMENTS

By Juli_fml | 0

#126635 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:11

what a weird way to end a date. i'm so sorry.

Reply

ncvolley123 | 8

#1261631 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 7:52

that's terrible!!! if ur a cute guy, I'll date u!! btw, I'm 12

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#2936134 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:42

Well, it wasn't exactly a date. The girl sat down and talked to him but before the food arrived, she left. Guess she told her dad to pick her up in half an hour? But you're right, it was weird and rude of the girl. I'm so sorry OP, hope you find a better girl next time!

Reply

H3RPxD3RP | 0

#3920645 - Saturday 21 January 2012 21:20

XD

By madbadsad | 0

#126642 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:16

So you're a boring person, like most out there. Big deal, I say.

Reply

bballer8 | 1

#974707 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:32

I agree ydi for being boring

By onigiriqueen | 0

#126653 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:23

Epic fail on her part. She's probably sterile, anyway. FYL indeed.

By Snow_White_fml | 3

#126655 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:25

What a loser leaving like that, you are better off without that kind of girl

By pgray18 | 0

#126663 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:32

u boring shit

By Sousuke_fml | 0

#126676 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:42

At lest she came and didnt stand you up

By scottie06 | 0

#126692 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:00

I think I rather be stood up than that. FYL.

Cept since she did accept the date originally, you probably screwed up in those 30 minutes.

By imadonkeymoo | 0

#126697 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:06

Today, I went on a date with this boring person. it went on FOREVER. FML

By itsTiffany | 0

#126703 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:08

Either she's a stuck-up bitch or you're just a lame, boring person to talk to.

By LOLFML85 | 0

#126714 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:19

30 minutes for food?
what the hell did you order?

Reply

aleeshttylXD | 9

#4615601 - Tuesday 26 June 2012 6:02

high quality restaurant?