By mildver - Costa Rica

First Dates

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Taking stock

Bro, do you even lift?

By emmy - 1/4/2021 14:01

In shape

Today, even after months of vigorous exercise and diet in an attempt to gain muscle, I have not gained any muscle. Instead, my body is putting fat into the one part of my body I can’t work out: my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

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By minimoonpie - Australia

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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By

Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Bay

Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML

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By healthfreak - United States - Marietta

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

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By upset

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 05:01

Vicious and unprovoked

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Knowle

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

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By aaaa

Today, while helping a child through a tantrum, I was kicked and my hand broke. The bone is completely in half and fixing it will require plates, screws, and surgery along with months of recovery. Another day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

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By maced face - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my company filed for bankruptcy, but the reorganize kind where it still functions. There are no funds to give out paychecks any time soon. They won't fire me. If I voluntarily quit, I cannot file for unemployment. I'm now an unpaid intern. FML

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

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By tht1chk - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

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By Finding Kemo - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By funnyERstory - United States - Houston

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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By AchievementUnlocked? - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

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By Janitor - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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By SaMike - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By rubberduck1 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I told my boss I could handle running the floor buffer. Thirty seconds in, I lost control and became pinned to the wall by its force. In my state of shock and embarrassment, I didn't realize the only thing keeping me trapped was my grip on the accelerator. FML

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By Kiddo - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

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By Protectress - United States

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

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By gkline09 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

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By allgassedout - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I was riding the subway to work. Barely anyone was on because of how early it was. Me and this one guy in a trench coat were in the same cart. His stop came. He walked by me, flashed me, rubbed his penis on my arm, and then ran away really fast. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

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By courtneynaked - United Arab Emirates

Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML

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By Uh_Oh_Bro - United States - Annandale

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

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By rusrs - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML

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By tawan - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By pixiegirl - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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Top comments

By Juli_fml | 0

#126635 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:11

what a weird way to end a date. i'm so sorry.

By Snow_White_fml | 3

#126655 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:25

What a loser leaving like that, you are better off without that kind of girl

COMMENTS

By Juli_fml | 0

#126635 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:11

what a weird way to end a date. i'm so sorry.

Reply

ncvolley123 | 8

#1261631 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 7:52

that's terrible!!! if ur a cute guy, I'll date u!! btw, I'm 12

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#2936134 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:42

Well, it wasn't exactly a date. The girl sat down and talked to him but before the food arrived, she left. Guess she told her dad to pick her up in half an hour? But you're right, it was weird and rude of the girl. I'm so sorry OP, hope you find a better girl next time!

Reply

H3RPxD3RP | 0

#3920645 - Saturday 21 January 2012 21:20

XD

By madbadsad | 0

#126642 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:16

So you're a boring person, like most out there. Big deal, I say.

Reply

bballer8 | 1

#974707 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:32

I agree ydi for being boring

By onigiriqueen | 0

#126653 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:23

Epic fail on her part. She's probably sterile, anyway. FYL indeed.

By Snow_White_fml | 3

#126655 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:25

What a loser leaving like that, you are better off without that kind of girl

By pgray18 | 0

#126663 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:32

u boring shit

By Sousuke_fml | 0

#126676 - Monday 20 April 2009 12:42

At lest she came and didnt stand you up

By scottie06 | 0

#126692 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:00

I think I rather be stood up than that. FYL.

Cept since she did accept the date originally, you probably screwed up in those 30 minutes.

By imadonkeymoo | 0

#126697 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:06

Today, I went on a date with this boring person. it went on FOREVER. FML

By itsTiffany | 0

#126703 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:08

Either she's a stuck-up bitch or you're just a lame, boring person to talk to.

By LOLFML85 | 0

#126714 - Monday 20 April 2009 13:19

30 minutes for food?
what the hell did you order?

Reply

aleeshttylXD | 9

#4615601 - Tuesday 26 June 2012 6:02

high quality restaurant?