Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date... - FML

By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

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Serious times

Hello everyone!

Capitalism kills

By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By max - 7/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

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By Sarah - 21/2/2016 00:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss mistakenly drunk texted me and was talking shit about me. FML

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By lauren - 8/7/2010 04:51 - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By Steiner - 5/11/2013 21:26 - United States - Troy

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

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By lacucarcha - 15/10/2015 21:47 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my boyfriend flamboyantly proposed to me in a packed restaurant. I promptly had a panic attack and fainted in front of at least fifty people and a full mariachi band. FML

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By anonymous - 17/12/2013 05:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:55 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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By SqueakingRetard - 17/1/2014 23:28 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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By kahemae44 - 27/10/2009 10:20 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

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By rick - 13/8/2009 21:49 - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By loser - 19/6/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

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By Jen - 28/12/2010 01:36 - Canada

Today, I was watching 'Caillou'. It was a Christmas special for pre-schoolers. I was quite enjoying myself, when it hit me that my kid had been in bed for an hour. I forget what adult TV is. FML

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By nosebleeder - 13/2/2013 20:31 - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

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By rcarn - 12/6/2015 14:25 - United States - Leesburg

Today, my friends decided to throw a going away party because I'm moving. It would have been great if I had actually been invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 03:07 - United States - Dover

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 11:15 - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

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By Anna - 15/6/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

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By JEalmon12 - 23/5/2019 12:00

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2019 04:00

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By Jolene - 26/12/2012 14:32 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

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By ohtheirony - 19/8/2018 18:30

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By Will - 15/12/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

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By why do eggs explode - 12/10/2015 21:35 - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2010 23:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By namehere34 - 29/12/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By No2ndDate - 1/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Owl be there for you

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 15:30

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

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By SprinklerDodger - 8/6/2012 23:54 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

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By ohai ur hawt, wanna fuzzzZzZZzzZzz - 4/4/2014 23:20 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club, and we went back to my place. I was finally going to lose my virginity, but just as she started kissing me, I panicked and ended up fainting. When I came to, I was still clothed, and she was long gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5-year-old girl and we were coloring. She made me a card that was very sweet, so I smiled. She looked at me and went "Don't smile, your smile is really scary." FML

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By Hannah - 22/3/2012 17:21 - Ireland - Wexford

Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML

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By jordan.marie97 - 9/8/2015 06:27 - Australia

Today, my parents told me they were getting divorced, at the beginning of a family road trip, adding that this'll be the last thing we ever do as a family. FML

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By ...... - 8/10/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

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By Franklin - 18/12/2017 19:00

Size isn't everything!

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I am a 230-pound former soldier. He is a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

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Top comments

By ThatTallChick508 | 7

#6711488 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:21

So... did you guys get dinner or no?

By alex_gen | 38

#6711483 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:16

Well at least you both have patience. Hopefully you realized this immediately and went to talk to him, and be able to laugh this off later on, if you guys are compatible.

COMMENTS

By GlennGuagmire | 20

#6711482 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:12

Stay if he's attractive to u and run if he's not

Reply

warner69 | 8

#6711486 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:17

wtf is your problem

Reply

SoulFrog | 7

#6711614 - Friday 11 November 2016 15:53

That's so shallow

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6711663 - Friday 11 November 2016 19:23

I'm pretty sure she's not in the restaurant waiting on your advice on what to do, #1

Reply

Arashikage | 18

#6711729 - Friday 11 November 2016 22:18

If everyone followed your advice you'd probably have a lot of people run from you.

Reply

rockninja | 21

#6711907 - Saturday 12 November 2016 11:05

that's a disgrace to what glenn guagmire would say.

By alex_gen | 38

#6711483 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:16

Well at least you both have patience. Hopefully you realized this immediately and went to talk to him, and be able to laugh this off later on, if you guys are compatible.

Reply

sophiehelen | 32

#6711770 - Saturday 12 November 2016 1:29

Agreed, and they'd also have a really good 'how we met' story to tell people

By camacho__23 | 9

#6711484 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:16

Hmm, and you never once thought about calling...not to be rude but YDI

By ThatTallChick508 | 7

#6711488 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:21

So... did you guys get dinner or no?

By framaram | 9

#6711496 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ChiefKoala | 30

#6711500 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:44

What part of blind date did you not understand?

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711505 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:48

well it never said if she wore glasses or not?! obviously..

Reply

Sevarog | 13

#6711533 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:30

Dude... Blind date means they have never seen eachother before, so there was no way they could have recognized eachother.

Reply

ellabellaboom | 24

#6711539 - Friday 11 November 2016 10:05

#8 whoa...you're trolling right?

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711552 - Friday 11 November 2016 11:47

#17 lol the name of the date is a bit confusing to me.. but still.

Reply

Bibblejomin | 18

#6712115 - Sunday 13 November 2016 6:55

I think it's retarded

By RichardPencil | 28

#6711507 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:49

How did neither of you notice the other for a full hour?

Did you meet on Plenty Of Autistic Fish.com?

Reply

kristinjeaneen | 21

#6711508 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:53

A) that's offensive to the autistic community. B) you're the dumbass who can't read. The FML clearly states it was a BLIND date.

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711520 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:36

I'm sure he didn't mean to offend you or your community. An attempted joke I suppose.

Reply

silvermoon5033 | 25

#6711530 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:06

That isn't a joke.

Reply

Sevarog | 13

#6711534 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:33

PlentyOfAutisticFish.com... It's clearly meant to be a joke, but it's retarded, since it was a blind date.

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711554 - Friday 11 November 2016 11:50

#16 are you against autistic people finding love?! heartless.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#6711559 - Friday 11 November 2016 12:18

Sorry.

I was just pointing out how two people couldn't look around and recognize the other's situation. Seems like someone who is trapped in their own world.

Didn't mean to offend.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#6711574 - Friday 11 November 2016 13:24

#23, not what I suggested. Don't need your fake outrage.

By filip00 | 16

#6711510 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:11

How about using your mobile phone and letting your date know you're at the spot? This is a YDI for both of you.

Reply

Catdragon | 40

#6712861 - Tuesday 15 November 2016 1:36

Not everyone has mobile phones. I have a home phone and a computer.

By Moerighan | 23

#6711518 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:35

Did you not have your phones and ask where each other was? That is a thing nowadays.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6711521 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:36

I've never done a blind date but I'd presume that there would be some pre arranged signal or cue so that you can find each other. YDI if this was not arranged before hand

Reply

dragonborngirlll | 5

#6711528 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:03

It was a blind date. op didn't arrange anything obviously

By neuronerd | 28

#6711544 - Friday 11 November 2016 10:27

Well, if you end up liking each other and it worked out after you realized you were each other's dates, you have one of those adorably humorous "how we met" stories.