Love: Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date... - FML

By kill the audience - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10349

You deserved it

1970

Tweet

Share

And today, on Dr Phil…

Cold-blooded old times

Oh, hai!

By NJ - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32030

You deserved it

2408

Tweet

Share

By Billz

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1712

You deserved it

431

Tweet

Share

By sad-boing - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24794

You deserved it

6823

Tweet

Share

By Nick - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28405

You deserved it

5555

Tweet

Share

By phreshrice - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokémon and Bionicles in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64854

You deserved it

22491

Tweet

Share

By Oops

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1187

You deserved it

2770

Tweet

Share

By fineillpissthebedthen - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34015

You deserved it

2506

Tweet

Share

By cheeseburglar_9000 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36671

You deserved it

2844

Tweet

Share

By ericane27 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39261

You deserved it

5837

Tweet

Share

By Pissed - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27645

You deserved it

8356

Tweet

Share

By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15297

You deserved it

1453

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3603

You deserved it

346

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3780

You deserved it

1723

Tweet

Share

By sarabellekitty

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1774

You deserved it

307

Tweet

Share

By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25681

You deserved it

2331

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12562

You deserved it

25534

Tweet

Share

By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24300

You deserved it

3013

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my husband to watch our daughter while I ran a few errands. While he treated himself to a long nap, she decided our fish needed a bubble bath, and squeezed out an entire bottle of dish soap. I came home to bubbles all over the floor, five dead fish, and one sleeping husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28093

You deserved it

3023

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22982

You deserved it

15172

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29754

You deserved it

2052

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12021

You deserved it

34132

Tweet

Share

By jj4320 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11639

You deserved it

40885

Tweet

Share

By - 17/2/2020 18:00

When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

842

You deserved it

4729

Tweet

Share

By ukfan - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31337

You deserved it

5048

Tweet

Share

By Emily - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23070

You deserved it

1978

Tweet

Share

By a - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26313

You deserved it

2470

Tweet

Share

By Shell - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56223

You deserved it

4398

Tweet

Share

By Ashley Rocha

Today, after my washing machine broke yesterday in the middle of a cycle, I went and spent $1400 on a new one. Also today, my dryer started to smoke and almost caught my clothes on fire. There goes another $1000. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2695

You deserved it

307

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. Expecting a long overdue promotion, I hurried in. Instead, he told me he thought I would be perfect to take his son on a pity date, because he is at a suicide risk from depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38317

You deserved it

3535

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40213

You deserved it

3359

Tweet

Share

By wellthisisbad - United States - Boynton Beach

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18607

You deserved it

29333

Tweet

Share

By lola1313 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20512

You deserved it

41004

Tweet

Share

By whoawhoawhoa - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32404

You deserved it

4937

Tweet

Share

By Ammile

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2727

You deserved it

171

Tweet

Share

By David - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1455

You deserved it

273

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29663

You deserved it

7835

Tweet

Share

By Roxy19 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11363

You deserved it

39406

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

I agree, your life sucks

4184

You deserved it

619

Tweet

Share

By makeover-needed - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26391

You deserved it

1848

Tweet

Share

By duuuuude - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50875

You deserved it

23213

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ThatTallChick508 | 7

#6711488 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:21

So... did you guys get dinner or no?

By alex_gen | 38

#6711483 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:16

Well at least you both have patience. Hopefully you realized this immediately and went to talk to him, and be able to laugh this off later on, if you guys are compatible.

COMMENTS

By GlennGuagmire | 20

#6711482 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:12

Stay if he's attractive to u and run if he's not

Reply

warner69 | 8

#6711486 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:17

wtf is your problem

Reply

SoulFrog | 7

#6711614 - Friday 11 November 2016 15:53

That's so shallow

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6711663 - Friday 11 November 2016 19:23

I'm pretty sure she's not in the restaurant waiting on your advice on what to do, #1

Reply

Arashikage | 18

#6711729 - Friday 11 November 2016 22:18

If everyone followed your advice you'd probably have a lot of people run from you.

Reply

rockninja | 21

#6711907 - Saturday 12 November 2016 11:05

that's a disgrace to what glenn guagmire would say.

By alex_gen | 38

#6711483 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:16

Well at least you both have patience. Hopefully you realized this immediately and went to talk to him, and be able to laugh this off later on, if you guys are compatible.

Reply

sophiehelen | 32

#6711770 - Saturday 12 November 2016 1:29

Agreed, and they'd also have a really good 'how we met' story to tell people

By camacho__23 | 9

#6711484 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:16

Hmm, and you never once thought about calling...not to be rude but YDI

By ThatTallChick508 | 7

#6711488 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:21

So... did you guys get dinner or no?

By framaram | 9

#6711496 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ChiefKoala | 30

#6711500 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:44

What part of blind date did you not understand?

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711505 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:48

well it never said if she wore glasses or not?! obviously..

Reply

Sevarog | 13

#6711533 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:30

Dude... Blind date means they have never seen eachother before, so there was no way they could have recognized eachother.

Reply

ellabellaboom | 24

#6711539 - Friday 11 November 2016 10:05

#8 whoa...you're trolling right?

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711552 - Friday 11 November 2016 11:47

#17 lol the name of the date is a bit confusing to me.. but still.

Reply

Bibblejomin | 18

#6712115 - Sunday 13 November 2016 6:55

I think it's retarded

By RichardPencil | 29

#6711507 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:49

How did neither of you notice the other for a full hour?

Did you meet on Plenty Of Autistic Fish.com?

Reply

kristinjeaneen | 21

#6711508 - Friday 11 November 2016 7:53

A) that's offensive to the autistic community. B) you're the dumbass who can't read. The FML clearly states it was a BLIND date.

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711520 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:36

I'm sure he didn't mean to offend you or your community. An attempted joke I suppose.

Reply

silvermoon5033 | 25

#6711530 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:06

That isn't a joke.

Reply

Sevarog | 13

#6711534 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:33

PlentyOfAutisticFish.com... It's clearly meant to be a joke, but it's retarded, since it was a blind date.

Reply

framaram | 9

#6711554 - Friday 11 November 2016 11:50

#16 are you against autistic people finding love?! heartless.

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#6711559 - Friday 11 November 2016 12:18

Sorry.

I was just pointing out how two people couldn't look around and recognize the other's situation. Seems like someone who is trapped in their own world.

Didn't mean to offend.

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#6711574 - Friday 11 November 2016 13:24

#23, not what I suggested. Don't need your fake outrage.

By filip00 | 16

#6711510 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:11

How about using your mobile phone and letting your date know you're at the spot? This is a YDI for both of you.

Reply

Catdragon | 40

#6712861 - Tuesday 15 November 2016 1:36

Not everyone has mobile phones. I have a home phone and a computer.

By Moerighan | 23

#6711518 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:35

Did you not have your phones and ask where each other was? That is a thing nowadays.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6711521 - Friday 11 November 2016 8:36

I've never done a blind date but I'd presume that there would be some pre arranged signal or cue so that you can find each other. YDI if this was not arranged before hand

Reply

dragonborngirlll | 5

#6711528 - Friday 11 November 2016 9:03

It was a blind date. op didn't arrange anything obviously

By neuronerd | 28

#6711544 - Friday 11 November 2016 10:27

Well, if you end up liking each other and it worked out after you realized you were each other's dates, you have one of those adorably humorous "how we met" stories.