By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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On the beat

Damn squares!

Fuck the patriarchy

By wtfkasey - Canada - Dundas

Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML

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By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

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By Jarool - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By jabba - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By Alexis

Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML

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By ferret702 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML

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By mnavy - United States

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

No more bukkake for you

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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By DQB - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 05:00

Tricky situation

Today, my roommate in our barracks posted trans hate-speech on Facebook. My choices are to report him and risk ending his military career, confront him and risk him finding out I'm trans, or do nothing and live in fear of him figuring me out. FML

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By allergic - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

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By HHIChica - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

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By dahs - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML

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By Anonymous

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By smurfette7413 - 13/10/2020 05:01

Monster couch

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a little fun when the pull-out couch decided to try to eat us. Now I have a broken nose and my boyfriend keeps making jokes about the "human eating couch." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 14:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

I CAN HEAR YOU

Today, as usual, my flatmate is so loud when talking face to face that my ears and head rattle. I can't say anything because how dare I suggest there's anything wrong with my roommate's hearing. Yet nobody else talks this loud. FML

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By poro123 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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By myworstday - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was let go from an unpaid internship. The reasons cited was that I seemed unhappy at work. No, that's just my face. FML

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By JaneSimple - 16/8/2020 14:02

Brain worms

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

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By sweet_stufz - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

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By Heyme - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

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By peopleinthepark - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I popped a boner while my braces were being tightened. FML

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By idated a moron

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

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By MeOhMy23 - 25/11/2020 07:59 - United States - Tazewell

The only one who could ever reach me…

Today, I went to have a vaginal ultrasound. The nurse walked me back and I got undressed. She said the tech doing the procedure would be right in. It was my preacher's son. FML

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By apple - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

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By suzyyy - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

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By not a phobe - 16/7/2020 08:02

Misunderstood

Today, my son told our whole family and all our friends that I kicked him out for being gay. I kicked him out because on more than one occasion he got drunk and sneaked random men in the house while he was supposed to be watching his younger siblings while I worked nights. They believed him. FML

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By Lunab123 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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By scribbler8 - Canada

Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By Anoniem - Netherlands

Today, my two co-workers got the promotion we were all working for. The reason they got the promotion and not me? My interview got cancelled because of a policy change, implemented that day. FML

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By tired - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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By apparentlytoougly - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

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Top comments

By xxlk4xx | 4

#7937741 - Saturday 12 September 2020 17:00

lol you married the right person 😂

By RichardPencil | 29

#7937749 - Saturday 12 September 2020 17:47

Why do people bother with asterisks to write "fuck" on this site?

Do they know what FML stands for?

This is safe space where no one is triggered by "fuck." It is not a fucking microaggression.

COMMENTS

By xxlk4xx | 4

#7937741 - Saturday 12 September 2020 17:00

lol you married the right person 😂

By RichardPencil | 29

#7937749 - Saturday 12 September 2020 17:47

Why do people bother with asterisks to write "fuck" on this site?

Do they know what FML stands for?

This is safe space where no one is triggered by "fuck." It is not a fucking microaggression.

By Sady_Ct | 37

#7937859 - Sunday 13 September 2020 3:30

Why not buy a proper sharps container?