Animals: Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to... - FML

By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Walk on the wild side

By lukey101 - 14/2/2021 18:30 - Australia

Casual something

Today, I went to the Asian Grocery. I politely smiled, bellowed, “Hello!” and kind of waved to the cashier as I walked in, to which he gave me a blank, scared-for-his-life kinda look. Turns out he was actually just another customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2021 13:59 - United States - Malvern

Chub rub

Today, I was pooping in a public toilet and a kid had walked in on me. I then heard him tell his dad, "It's okay, I didn't see anything, he was fat so his chubby legs hid it." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 11:02 - Australia

One law for me…

Today, I got disciplined for sleeping on night shifts, by my boss, who also sleeps on night shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By KDM - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

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By i suck, this i know :( - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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By Benjamin - United States

Today, a coworker thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair. When I sat down, it went directly into my butt. When I sprang up, I hit my head on a lamp. I then hit my head on my desk on the way down. FML

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By muffinmen1022 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

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By sh33zy - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

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By Lameartist

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

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By omgboobs - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

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By hailsatan666 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out through Instagram that the guy I'm dating has a wife and two kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

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By buymeflavoredlube

Spit or Swallow?

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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By slicero

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

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By Meowit - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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By ugh - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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By DrunkPeopleSuck

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

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By never again - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

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By Big break - 18/5/2020 14:00

As seen on TV

Today, I finally got my big TV debut. After thousand of dollars in acting classes and years of waiting to become a professional actress, I got featured in a commercial. I will be rubbing toilet paper against my face for all of four seconds. Hurray, fame! FML

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By meyo555 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML

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By Js2cool - United States - Fitchburg

Today, I went to clean my cat's litter box, not realizing she was in it. As I lifted the top half of the litter box up, she sprayed me with piss. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Staycation time

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

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By Jen - United States - Woodland Hills

Communication breakdown

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By ILTali - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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By wolf boy - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone peed in my physical education locker. The only way someone could've done it is with a ladder. I'm so popular it hurts. FML

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By

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By BloodyButUnbowed

Sex, Different idea

Today, I was deceived into a contract to "edit" porn. It was sick, disgusting material which stirred up all my sexual-abuse-survivor issues and made me retch. When I went to my husband to tell him what happened, his only comment was "Is it hot?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

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By ugh - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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By secret - United States

Today, I found out the electric bill I have been paying was on my old house. I found this out when they shut off the power to my house. FML

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Top comments

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6254115 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Maybe you should rethink the bacon wallet

By c_wyld | 21

#6254113 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Man that's ruff. He couldn't at least throw you a bone, I mean c'mon its Monday...

COMMENTS

By c_wyld | 21

#6254113 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Man that's ruff. He couldn't at least throw you a bone, I mean c'mon its Monday...

Reply

HarshD9619 | 34

#6254122 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:18

The amount of dog related humor on FML is too damn high

By khaoticpanda | 28

#6254114 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

I hope all your credit cards and IDs and things were safe and you mean just the wallet. It sucks to have to replace all that stuff.

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6254115 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Maybe you should rethink the bacon wallet

By bunnybean12321 | 18

#6254117 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

well at least you know that some stranger didnt get all of your card information and stuff

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6254550 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 1:45

Meanwhile OPs dog is on the Internet using OP's credit card to hire a hit-dog to take care of the neighbourhood cats.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6254118 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

Taken doggy style

By hardy24 | 9

#6254119 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

Mans best friend indeed

By victorvldv | 8

#6254121 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:14

You can train him to do evil things sir.

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6254123 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:21

that sounds like something my dog would do as well.

By karcummings | 19

#6254125 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:22

Barks out to you.

By Steve97 | 32

#6254126 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:22

Wouldn't it be considered pickpawcketing then? :p