Animals: Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to...

By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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Animals

Rock, hard place

Sorry…

Superficial World

By Deadmeat

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML

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By enderw - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By sex deprived - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

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By blah - United States

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

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By Sheliton - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chatting with the girl of my dreams, a real heart-to-heart. Everything was going great, and I asked her if she'd like to get coffee together sometime. She immediately backed away and excused herself, mumbling something about not dating left-handed people. Huh? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

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By troubled - United States

Today, I had an appointment with a psychotherapist. I was feeling very depressed and was telling her how I felt no one cared about me. Her phone rang and she left me mid-sentence to take a call about her new BMW. FML

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By kewlio45 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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By Aether - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

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By supermanj76 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - United States

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

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By Herdad - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By isuckatlife - United States

Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I had to explain to several young children why asking the new blind girl to play hide and seek with them is inappropriate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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By NewMom

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

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By fmfl - United States

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

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By Anonymous

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Bad sandwich, bad week

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

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By ForeverAlone - Canada

Today, I was at my cousin's house. We weren't spending time together because he was always texting. After a couple of minutes, I got jealous. I played a ringtone on my cell, and "answered" it. I had a whole conversation with nobody in an attempt to seem somewhat more popular than a 10-year-old. FML

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By GiveMeCake

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

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By teegtwo - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

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By Nikki - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

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By crazycutie1027 - United States

Today, I was crying after having argued with my boyfriend. My mom saw me, she asked "Why are you crying? Don't you have homework to do?" FML

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By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By choup - Australia

Today, I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew 20 bucks and when I arrived at the bar I realised I had taken my credit card but not the banknote. FML

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Top comments

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6254115 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Maybe you should rethink the bacon wallet

By c_wyld | 21

#6254113 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Man that's ruff. He couldn't at least throw you a bone, I mean c'mon its Monday...

COMMENTS

By c_wyld | 21

#6254113 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Man that's ruff. He couldn't at least throw you a bone, I mean c'mon its Monday...

HarshD9619 | 34

#6254122 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:18

The amount of dog related humor on FML is too damn high

By khaoticpanda | 28

#6254114 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

I hope all your credit cards and IDs and things were safe and you mean just the wallet. It sucks to have to replace all that stuff.

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6254115 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Maybe you should rethink the bacon wallet

By bunnybean12321 | 18

#6254117 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

well at least you know that some stranger didnt get all of your card information and stuff

False_Stupidity | 41

#6254550 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 1:45

Meanwhile OPs dog is on the Internet using OP's credit card to hire a hit-dog to take care of the neighbourhood cats.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6254118 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

Taken doggy style

By hardy24 | 9

#6254119 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

Mans best friend indeed

By victorvldv | 8

#6254121 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:14

You can train him to do evil things sir.

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6254123 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:21

that sounds like something my dog would do as well.

By karcummings | 19

#6254125 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:22

Barks out to you.

By Steve97 | 32

#6254126 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:22

Wouldn't it be considered pickpawcketing then? :p