Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to...

By tannerrosetx_1 - 6/4/2015 11:44 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30011

You deserved it

3699

Favorite

Animals

Territorial pissings

Property law

Billy no-mates

By caaarl - 19/4/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43897

You deserved it

6510

Favorite

By stillAvirgin:( - 20/6/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50669

You deserved it

9081

Favorite

By sad_unicorn - 31/7/2016 04:51

Today, my mother in law likes to baby my partner. Gets him drinks, kisses him on the forehead, talks to him like he's 8, does everything for him. And she gives me death stares, especially when she hugs him when I'm around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15605

You deserved it

1212

Favorite

By sad but true. - 15/4/2014 23:18 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43197

You deserved it

12957

Favorite

By JackSoda - 26/3/2020 17:01

Dad Jokes, part 36646

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1360

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By TVKill3r - 29/3/2013 00:57 - United States

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36711

You deserved it

2736

Favorite

By The Draught of Living Death - 17/7/2018 15:00

Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4489

You deserved it

251

Favorite

By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32171

You deserved it

8885

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 12:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34807

You deserved it

8266

Favorite

By nothreat33 - 18/1/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister reading: "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18984

You deserved it

3710

Favorite

By Yousaidyouweremoving - 11/12/2016 16:23 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10263

You deserved it

730

Favorite

By Paul Williams - 24/6/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34280

You deserved it

4458

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 02:00

Cold-blooded old times

Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1650

You deserved it

332

Favorite

By henhouse - 18/7/2015 11:09 - Australia - Brunswick East

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31906

You deserved it

3611

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 11:39 - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47507

You deserved it

8990

Favorite

By - 4/1/2009 15:18 - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37284

You deserved it

7281

Favorite

By Jigll - 13/10/2008 08:26

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12638

You deserved it

76742

Favorite

By buckley456 - 28/5/2012 03:33 - United States - Glenolden

Today, my remote control airplane arrived in the mail. I was super excited, so naturally I took it outside for its first flight. It now resides at the top of the tallest tree in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20705

You deserved it

8909

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13477

You deserved it

79162

Favorite

By fatty - 21/11/2012 06:20 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9505

You deserved it

18687

Favorite

By PrettySureItsReal - 9/4/2015 19:38 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36926

You deserved it

2203

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 03:15 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42699

You deserved it

20419

Favorite

By gfg - 16/3/2009 18:48 - Romania

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

173255

You deserved it

24501

Favorite

By ej6901 - 23/6/2015 20:00 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22726

You deserved it

18975

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/8/2018 20:30

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3571

You deserved it

1483

Favorite

By Teach - 31/3/2015 07:40 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I took my class to swimming lessons at the local public pool. One student came out and proudly told me that she'd pooed in the shower, but it was OK because she'd then picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30331

You deserved it

2519

Favorite

By Quirk - 29/10/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33145

You deserved it

6957

Favorite

By whoababy55 - 21/8/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41316

You deserved it

2621

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/5/2015 15:55 - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28907

You deserved it

2499

Favorite

By gross - 6/8/2015 17:28 - United States

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23719

You deserved it

3132

Favorite

By Josie - 21/2/2011 07:46 - Australia

Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32937

You deserved it

3801

Favorite

By UHLSucksSTL - 6/10/2016 15:50 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11206

You deserved it

738

Favorite

By tickle spunk - 29/12/2011 18:39 - United States

Today, I came home and told my mom that I got the lead in the school musical, which I was very happy about. She pulled me into a hug then said, "But you know you can't really sing, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28811

You deserved it

3037

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 06:31 - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23958

You deserved it

2383

Favorite

By distracted - 16/9/2012 07:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23973

You deserved it

6747

Favorite

By icandothecancan - 21/6/2014 23:14 - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46504

You deserved it

6104

Favorite

By pantsareathing - 13/6/2015 17:10 - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24383

You deserved it

2433

Favorite

By sadex - 9/3/2015 07:52

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37536

You deserved it

4011

Favorite

By nitroman64 - 30/7/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15839

You deserved it

28179

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 19:29 - Canada - Foam Lake

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32409

You deserved it

2931

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6254115 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Maybe you should rethink the bacon wallet

By c_wyld | 21

#6254113 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Man that's ruff. He couldn't at least throw you a bone, I mean c'mon its Monday...

COMMENTS

By c_wyld | 21

#6254113 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Man that's ruff. He couldn't at least throw you a bone, I mean c'mon its Monday...

HarshD9619 | 34

#6254122 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:18

The amount of dog related humor on FML is too damn high

By khaoticpanda | 28

#6254114 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

I hope all your credit cards and IDs and things were safe and you mean just the wallet. It sucks to have to replace all that stuff.

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6254115 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:09

Maybe you should rethink the bacon wallet

By bunnybean12321 | 18

#6254117 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

well at least you know that some stranger didnt get all of your card information and stuff

False_Stupidity | 41

#6254550 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 1:45

Meanwhile OPs dog is on the Internet using OP's credit card to hire a hit-dog to take care of the neighbourhood cats.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6254118 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

Taken doggy style

By hardy24 | 9

#6254119 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:12

Mans best friend indeed

By victorvldv | 8

#6254121 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:14

You can train him to do evil things sir.

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6254123 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:21

that sounds like something my dog would do as well.

By karcummings | 19

#6254125 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:22

Barks out to you.

By Steve97 | 32

#6254126 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:22

Wouldn't it be considered pickpawcketing then? :p