Intimacy: Directions

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

agreeclassic 45 680

vote type 1 14 037

When Christmas Ends Badly…
Rather than debating politics with Uncle Roger for the umpteenth time, share the best Christmas FMLs to finally have a good family meal! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Similar FMLs

By mrricecakes - 23/03/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

agreeclassic 53 446

vote type 1 5 240

By Anonymous - 02/11/2012 19:46 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

agreeclassic 36 786

vote type 1 8 445

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 22 711

vote type 1 9 544

Take a chill pill

By failed - 23/02/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

agreeclassic 25 121

vote type 1 46 332

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

agreeclassic 39 932

vote type 1 9 253

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

agreeclassic 50 148

vote type 1 7 037

By illequipt - 16/03/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

agreeclassic 204 658

vote type 1 32 084

Like a virgin

By chchboy - 22/05/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

agreeclassic 35 179

vote type 1 7 130

By nicknack22 - 01/02/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

agreeclassic 38 753

vote type 1 5 957

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 45 598

vote type 1 12 455

KeinBaum 12

Monday 3 November 2014 0:08

At least she's giving feedback and seems to have quite some humor.

TTowntitan13 8

Monday 3 November 2014 0:09

Actually it's a taco...so I think you were pretty close to doing it right!

Comments

iMaii 7

Wednesday 19 November 2014 23:37

omg haha ? good luck... next time?

MaddieDtragedies 8

Thursday 4 December 2014 9:47

maybe she was implying something

akostyszyn15 15

Friday 22 July 2016 8:13

this just made my day infinitely better

lucasjames22 8

Tuesday 25 July 2017 1:34

well listen to her Jeff.

zoelog 10

Monday 23 September 2019 0:58

so calm the **** down Jeff. ydi

randybryant799 20

Saturday 3 July 2021 9:24

Yikes. So obviously you don't know what you're doing. Ask her how she likes it. Communication is key.

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

agreeclassic 37 864

vote type 1 6 538

Today, I had to hear yet another round of complaints about relatives or things from decades past from my broken record of a mother, who doesn't respect my need to quietly work from home. I'm about ready to smash my own head against the wall to get some peace and quiet, but I have to get this report done. FML

agreeclassic 821

vote type 1 135

Today, I was hiking with my uncle. We were going down a slope, and I kept slipping. He jokingly pushed me just as we approached a big drop. I ended up with three fractured ribs. FML

agreeclassic 15 631

vote type 1 1 010

Today, someone tried to guess my age. They guessed 45, then 39. I'm 35 and just spent $20,000 on plastic surgery to make myself look more youthful. FML

agreeclassic 177

vote type 1 1 802

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

agreeclassic 50 907

vote type 1 5 018

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

agreeclassic 2 464

vote type 1 277

Directions

Similar FMLs

Take a chill pill

Like a virgin

TOP COMMENTS

Comments