Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that she always feels like shit, and that she's tried "everything" to feel better. Everything except eating regular healthy meals, exercising, sleeping regularly, drinking water, showering, and changing clothes daily, that is. I pointed this out, and she kicked me out in a rage. FML
Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML
Today, I, a 33 year-old guy, had to explain to my 27 year-old girlfriend that she does NOT pee out of her vaginal opening, but does in fact have a separate hole she pees from. She didn’t believe me. After showing her a diagram of the female anatomy online, she said, “Yeah well I don’t have one of those.” FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, I finally confronted my daughter about never using air freshener after she poops. She said, "But I thought flushing made the smell go away!" She's 15 and she actually believed this. FML
Today, my girlfriend has become such a workaholic that I found her sitting in her office, soaked in piss. When I called her out, she said she didn't want to take bathroom breaks anymore, and asked me to buy diapers. FML
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Top comments
kimmi41509 10
What a moron. I know girls who fart, burp, and shit more than a man.
Yellow_Fish79 11
She's going to really hate motherhood someday.
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Comments (125)
fireheart_fml 14
If she's really holding it all in, I wonder when it will all explode out.
geocayce 7
Not to be a downer if your excited about someone exploding with shit, but usually if a person does that, it just backs up in the body and fills up back the way it came. Gross, I know, but it will most likely will end up in an emergency hospital visit.
cicpjaky 6
Eats burger and fries, ***** rainbows and leprechaun pocket lint
littlemsweirdo 12
Wow, sorry but she's an idiot. That is the most stupidest statement ever.
kimmi41509 10
Oh the irony. "Most stupidest"
Rhondaplp 11
Did you ever think maybe she just doesn't want her boyfriend picturing her do that? Doesn't make her stupid it's kind of cute.
kimmi41509 10
She's just making herself out to seem like a total idiot. Everyone on this earth takes *****, whether anyone wants to know it or not. It's natural and yeah it may not be something you want to smell, witness, etc. but that's why they invented bathrooms, doors, and air freshener sprays.
riack 2
You got to point out the stupidity of this comment before I did :(. Btw any girl that pretends that they don't poo to be cute is delirious.
seasonedtoast 19
Double superlative
AnagenisisZagus 13
Really? Delusional is the new sexy, eh? Well! Some of my ugly friends have just made their way to the top of the list.
Sumalum 7
I hate stupid people
AnagenisisZagus 13
We hate you, too. I mean they! ****.
gopieman 5
Slide sunscreen often
kimmi41509 10
Huh?
zandalee 20
I don't get your comment...
LizzCat77 9
What?
zandalee 20
OMG! Where do these women come from? What the hell? On a brighter note, imagine the fun you are going to have catching her out on her delusions. Too posh to poo.. Lol.
dustbunny416 0
She's too legit. Too legit to shit.
friedbunnies 9
Allow her the gentleman's courtesy of just pretending to believe her. She doesn't actually intentionally obstruct her bowels, she wants you to only see her at her best. It's sweet.
hhhwat 0
You need more sarcasm.....
hhhwat 0
You need more sarcasm.....
tarickman 13
Most women don't want to fart, burp, or take a dump around their boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship. They only want to be seen at their best. Poop isn't sexy well not to most anyway. She sounds normal to me. Heck she is probably hitting the mcdonalds bathroom on the way home!
tarickman 13
Young buck
Elovena 9
Maybe she finds it embarrassing.
MCRaddict15 15
It's human nature. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
TehParteh 9
Until you do it in public
gopieman 5
0---D
TehParteh 9
I'm sorrt, what?
TehParteh 9
*sorry
gabrayal 10
In the relationship, the girlfriend is alwaysssss right!
Roevera 14
Apparently my boyfriend never got the memo.
kimmi41509 10
Mine either.
Bob_Cat_fml 14
Oh shit. Then no one is ever right between my boyfriend and me.
B3Y0ND 3
What about lesbians?
pmr1990 12
I've figured out a solution to the problem of three of the people above. 62 and 67 break up from their respective douche boyfriends and date 96 and his boyfriend. Then one person will always be right in each relationship. You're welcome ;)
LennyComa 39
I sent the memo out did he sign up to the mailing list?