Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that she always feels like shit, and that she's tried "everything" to feel better. Everything except eating regular healthy meals, exercising, sleeping regularly, drinking water, showering, and changing clothes daily, that is. I pointed this out, and she kicked me out in a rage. FML
Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML
Today, I, a 33 year-old guy, had to explain to my 27 year-old girlfriend that she does NOT pee out of her vaginal opening, but does in fact have a separate hole she pees from. She didn’t believe me. After showing her a diagram of the female anatomy online, she said, “Yeah well I don’t have one of those.” FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, I finally confronted my daughter about never using air freshener after she poops. She said, "But I thought flushing made the smell go away!" She's 15 and she actually believed this. FML
Today, my girlfriend has become such a workaholic that I found her sitting in her office, soaked in piss. When I called her out, she said she didn't want to take bathroom breaks anymore, and asked me to buy diapers. FML
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Top comments
kimmi41509 10
What a moron. I know girls who fart, burp, and shit more than a man.
Yellow_Fish79 11
She's going to really hate motherhood someday.
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Comments (125)
vaan_fml 1
Girls don't poop duh
hhhwat 0
Good job dating a rocket scientist.
insanexnh 13
Hey, everybody poops!
Justicefrombelow 2
Taking dumps is not related to eating, e.g. if you stop eating, you'll continue producing feces. Your bodily functioning alone produces waste. I thought that was below high school biology level. At least in France it is.
AwsumShyGuy 12
What are they teaching you in High School then? Feces is whatever food the body doesn't take nutrition from.
Justicefrombelow 2
No. Feces is partly food, partly dead bacteria, and partly intestinal epithelial desquamation (to name the most important, you don't seem ready for anything too complete right now). The two latter having not much to do with whether you're eating or not. So it IS true then, you're just a bunch of creationists with NO IDEA how nature works.
Dnigz13 4
Don't complain if she doesn't take a dump and she's healthy lol look at the bright side you never have to unclog the toilet after she uses it or after she uses the bathroom you don't ever have to worry about the air being almost as deadly if not deadlier than mustard gas lol
Rhondaplp 11
Just go along with it, obviously she doesn't want you picturing her doing it.
Angelastic_fml 18
If she really used those words, it could just be that she misunderstood the slang expression 'to take a dump', to refer to some male-only bodily function, or some activity that she doesn't happen to do. Then it would just be another charming case of someone not finding out the real meaning of an expression until surprisingly late in life.
Levvy 22
That actually seems plausible, but I can't fathom what she might have misunderstood it to mean.
outoftown 27
#49, thank you. Ladies evacuate their bowels. They don't "take dumps."
dead_insects 18
so what does she call it when she sits on the toilet and emits solid waste?? Poor delusional thing...
geocayce 7
Wow, biologically impossible. Unless she's a mechanical breakthrough in cyborg technology. Otherwise, your girlfriend is an absolute schnook. Sorry, OP, but YDI. After all, you are the one dating her.
Ncbaby2012_fml 3
I feel like you two are running out of things to logically talk about. Just sayin