Animals: Curious... - FML

Curious...

By 16Charlie5 - 19/05/2018 15:00

Today, I woke to the smell of poop in my apartment. I went to investigate and found out a cat had pooped in my living room. I don’t have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 639

You deserved it 261

The smell detective is on the case

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Sorry…

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 13:04 - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 969

You deserved it 4 177

By Tempted to hide a fish under the floor - 22/09/2018 05:30 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I marked 3 weeks since meeting my crazy new landlady. Apparently I can't use the dishwasher because "there's no soap", can't bring the trash cans into the garage to keep the bears from getting it, and have to sweep before the cleaning service comes because "it's not their job". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 694

You deserved it 209

By Diet_Water - 14/02/2016 05:01 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I wore my boyfriend's favorite shirt to surprise him and show him how sexy I look. He made me take it off and pay the bill for dry cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 828

You deserved it 4 670

By BrefODM - 13/06/2014 03:15 - United Kingdom

Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 879

You deserved it 7 509

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned companies can legally lie to fire an employee, and unless anything they say is on record, they are legally correct, no matter how unethical the company is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 995

You deserved it 1 804

By snoozerlooser - 25/12/2010 00:00 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 346

You deserved it 7 750

By unfortunateMother - 18/09/2012 19:51 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I found a Justin Bieber shrine in my daughter's closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 121

You deserved it 4 005

By legallyblondemad - 29/08/2009 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 846

You deserved it 5 267

By Anonymous - 23/01/2014 21:49 - United States - Washington

Today, school was out because of snow. My dad walked in my room and shouted "Why are you home?!" I told him why, and he replied, "Then get out the damn house and play in the snow." He tossed me out in nothing but my shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 734

You deserved it 5 161

By Brinty - 16/09/2009 02:43 - Australia

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 597

You deserved it 4 535

Oversharing is caring

By Lauren - 12/10/2011 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 373

You deserved it 2 846

By mk - 20/06/2009 05:47 - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 351

You deserved it 13 405

By Ex-girlfried - 06/09/2009 23:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 635

You deserved it 68 486

By Alisha - 07/08/2012 18:04 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 118

You deserved it 2 327

By Anonymous - 27/08/2014 03:19 - United States - Topeka

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 090

You deserved it 46 927

By Darth Vomitus - 10/08/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 444

You deserved it 5 823

By jdancerchick - 16/11/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 202

You deserved it 4 697

By dadoftheyear - 07/05/2015 03:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 991

You deserved it 5 687

By Lizofsmeg - 26/10/2009 16:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 304

You deserved it 2 640

By megan - 01/04/2015 17:56 - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 137

You deserved it 2 455

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 18:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 484

You deserved it 4 342

TMI

By Anonymous - 28/07/2020 02:02

Today, my granny had the phone on loudspeaker, talking to a friend. When the conversation turned from the price of potatoes to ticks in hard-to-reach places, I fleed into the garden. First thing granny tells me once I’m back: The details of how that tick was all the way up in her friend’s husband’s crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 130

By wormsmeat - 17/09/2015 21:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 957

You deserved it 1 750

By TronCat8230 - 20/05/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 002

You deserved it 2 116

By melmel - 05/05/2014 05:07 - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 679

You deserved it 4 536

By Anonymous - 20/09/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I ate what was supposed to be a delicious mini powdered donut. The first one tasted funny, so I pulled out another one and realized that the powdered sugar was now in fact powdered hairy mold. Then I looked at the package and realized it was over a year and a half old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 691

You deserved it 40 695

By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 225

You deserved it 47 403

By lolowills - 14/11/2016 03:20

Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 278

You deserved it 1 188

By the-yao - 24/01/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when I'm drunk. I asked, "What about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 842

You deserved it 3 781

Child labor

By great parenting pal - 11/08/2020 02:01

Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 156

You deserved it 204

Make plans, Mom laughs

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 16:00

Today, as I can’t afford a “real” vacation, I’m trying to get my car converted for camping in time for what promises to be perfect weather next week. Meanwhile, my mom booked a trip to Switzerland. For next week. Guess who gets to stay home and feed the animals? FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 15/01/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 436

You deserved it 32 185

By anonymous - 20/02/2014 05:27 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 142

You deserved it 3 391

By Hairless freak - 23/09/2012 08:14 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, after weeks of dealing with a bad hair cut, my hair finally grew back to my preferred length. Today is also the day my roommate replaced my shampoo with hair remover as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 421

You deserved it 1 849

By snore - 19/04/2014 20:12 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 598

You deserved it 5 599

By Andy - 13/05/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 381

You deserved it 4 341

Backhanded

By wtf - 14/09/2011 18:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 876

You deserved it 4 462

Nature is healing

By screwthewilderness - 04/10/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 994

You deserved it 3 633

By Lovestupid - 03/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 989

You deserved it 29 020

What's your damage?

By Anonymous - 22/07/2020 02:02

Today, I put my car in the garage last night so it wouldn't get damaged by a huge thunderstorm. Golf clubs fell on it while it was stowed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 313

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Top comments

Camden Smith 11

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Saturday 19 May 2018 18:05

you do now

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Saturday 19 May 2018 17:53

Ceiling cat does not like your feng shui.

Comments

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 19 May 2018 16:04

Ninjacat strikes again!

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 19 May 2018 16:23

The cat has you.

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Saturday 19 May 2018 17:53

Ceiling cat does not like your feng shui.

Camden Smith 11

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Saturday 19 May 2018 18:05

you do now

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Saturday 19 May 2018 19:04

And a closed window...you don't have that either.

boopingsnoot 24

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Saturday 19 May 2018 22:18

That sounds more like a raccoon, not a cat. They have similarly-sized shit and are more likely to be assholes to strangers. Cats typically prefer to be assholes to humans they know.

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Sunday 20 May 2018 2:05

Im guessing you are a sleep pooper

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Sunday 20 May 2018 6:05

Not gonna lie. I'm more than a little impressed you could correctly identify which animal took a shit in your living room just by the type of poop was left behind.

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Wednesday 23 May 2018 10:20

It was sitting on my window perch

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Sunday 20 May 2018 6:52

How’d you know it was a cat?

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Sunday 20 May 2018 8:59

Cats only bring gifts if they like you. Or hate, I can't really tell.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 577

You deserved it 114

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 790