Holidays: Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 10

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 744

10/02/2013 01:39

Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 372

You deserved it 2 384

Vulture

BO Central

You tried

Why would you do that?

By dammitt - 10/10/2009 06:10

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 980

You deserved it 60 433

19/11/2010 16:54

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 730

You deserved it 34 973

14/07/2009 11:41

Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 725

You deserved it 8 827

04/10/2016 12:45

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 598

You deserved it 1 155

Repair this

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 06:01

Today, at my appliance job, we received a used dryer that needed to be fixed. I took it in the back room to test it. I plugged it in and turned it on. It started to smell so bad that I went to shut it down, but before I did I see two used condoms fly out of the back vent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 45

09/02/2012 01:20

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 211

You deserved it 8 734

It's not called a pandemic for nothing

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 13:59

Today, I found out that no matter how careful you are during this pandemic, wearing a mask, washing hands, and social distancing, you can still get COVID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 217

30/09/2015 03:31

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 752

You deserved it 3 675

Prepare to be dumped

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 13:03

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend blackmailed me for nudes. When I told his mother, he convinced her it was a joke, and both were laughing at me for being "paranoid". He now wants me to apologise for "ruining his day". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 162

02/05/2017 00:11

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 313

You deserved it 386

09/06/2012 23:43

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 820

You deserved it 2 246

17/07/2009 18:25

Spicy

Today, to get back at me for breaking up with him, my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to post semi nude pictures of me on Craigslist. To top it off, he decided to give all 200+ people who responded to my ad my home phone number. I'm getting non-stop calls from horny freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 604

You deserved it 20 490

23/11/2009 04:30

Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 931

You deserved it 3 833

22/08/2009 19:48

Today, my husband decided to drain his motorcycle oil into an empty bottle of laundry detergent. Also today, I decided to lift a stain out of my white comforter with some detergent I found in the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 839

You deserved it 12 355

25/01/2013 20:13

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 505

You deserved it 4 240

25/08/2016 00:37

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 791

You deserved it 897

25/12/2016 23:08

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 278

You deserved it 1 924

Tyranny

By Anonymous - 28/07/2021 22:01

Today, I got called "useless" by my mother for not doing what she wants me to do. She also said that I've accomplished nothing, and that I can’t and never will. It’s barely 10 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 119

22/07/2014 05:55

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 870

You deserved it 26 951

03/02/2014 13:29

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 875

You deserved it 4 264

Drunk level: 2000

By morningbirdie - 20/09/2020 14:01

Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 70

30/09/2009 08:28

Spicy

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 203

You deserved it 5 094

16/03/2010 15:30

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 840

You deserved it 5 600

26/08/2013 00:10

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 113

You deserved it 3 617

12/07/2016 01:04

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 100

You deserved it 835

16/01/2016 02:09

Today, I work 732 miles away from my wife and three children, and I rarely get to go home. After giving up many hours of family time to work on my last home visit, I returned to work only to have my boss accuse me of stealing time, dock me 50 hours, and "review" my employment for termination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 106

You deserved it 1 540

20/01/2011 09:39

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was fingering me. After he left, my mum says to me "I wish my sex life was as interesting as yours." She had walked in and we hadn't even noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 573

You deserved it 12 823

09/03/2010 01:39

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 524

You deserved it 5 074

13/11/2008 03:57

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 158

You deserved it 2 309

13/04/2013 23:49

Today, I fell down the stairs. My mom came running from the other room because she thought it was the dog. She rolled her eyes and walked away when she saw it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 165

You deserved it 4 146

23/08/2015 10:22

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 405

You deserved it 2 446

21/12/2010 09:38

Spicy

Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 005

You deserved it 43 099

17/07/2011 08:43

Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 302

You deserved it 22 508

12/03/2009 19:49

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 536

You deserved it 23 913

17/09/2012 17:16

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 336

You deserved it 2 577

20/05/2016 16:59

Spicy

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 240

You deserved it 6 627

04/09/2013 20:39

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 289

You deserved it 3 091

05/12/2016 22:35

Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 898

You deserved it 955

23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 436

You deserved it 1 007

Surprise!

By spiteful bitch - 25/07/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 115

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:08

Run, the ninja cats have arisen! Hide the women and children!

alice_in_mordor 21

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:09

A cat-burglar perhaps?

Comments

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:08

Run, the ninja cats have arisen! Hide the women and children!

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Sunday 10 February 2013 12:00

Hide yo kids, Hide yo wives, And hide yo husbands cuz dey rapin ERRYBODY out hea

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Sunday 10 February 2013 14:58

There is an only way how you can get the smell away - install (or rent for a few days) an ozone generator. Set it too maximum production and leave the house for a few days (it's not healthy to breathe ozone). When you return the house will be alpine fresh.

Docbee 11

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:08

Cats, ninjas of evil.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:08

Maybe it was raccoons! Don't blame the lovely feline race until you know for sure...

mystashisgone 6

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:49

I just had flashbacks of when I was about 5. In the middle of the night I would hear scratches in the wall at night which, for a child of my age, was terrifying, I thought the boogeyman was out to get me. My parents didn't believe me until I finally was able to have then listen for themselves... Turned out to be a family of raccoons living in my wall. As it has been said "hide yo kids hide yo wife....".

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Sunday 10 February 2013 23:21

I've had both as pets. Cat poop and raccoon poop don't look alike.

KindaFunnyRight 8

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Monday 11 February 2013 3:37

I don't think having a raccoon as a pet is allowed in most places…

KindaFunnyRight 8

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Monday 11 February 2013 3:42

*isn't my apologies for the spelling error

alice_in_mordor 21

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:09

A cat-burglar perhaps?

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:14

Wow. Five posts in and there's nothing more to say. Hilarious, #5. LMAO.

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Sunday 10 February 2013 22:45

They have a thumbs up button for that.

JR_Goes_Rawr 11

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:14

What a catastrophe! Maybe you've owned a cat all your life and just didn't know? It's been hiding in the shadows, only coming out to feed.

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Monday 11 February 2013 15:07

....and shit.

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:16

pic+comment are incredibly fitting.

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:16

Windows are easy things for cats to reach and sneak in. CLOSE THEM ALL AND PRAY FOR YOUR SAFETY.

GKnee 4

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:18

So.. how did you know it was cat p

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:20

Cat poop is quite... Easy to recognize. Not very hard to know that it was one.

DerrickJames 33

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:23

They came. They saw. They pooped.

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Sunday 10 February 2013 18:16

Then who was phone?

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Monday 11 February 2013 6:18

They conquered!! Lol

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Sunday 10 February 2013 10:27

Well, looks like you own one (or several) now!