Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a "dark secret". Now we're all grounded until one of us confesses our obviously non-existent secret. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML
Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML
Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not, and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bi-curious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML
Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML
Today, as usual, my mother had wine when she has the next day off. Three bottles deep, she started talking about an Indian burial ground that haunts the house, and she knows this because they talk to her in her dreams, so she is right. FML
Today, I received a text from my mom saying, "We need to talk." I panicked and replied, "What did I do now?" She responded, "I was going to ask what you wanted for dinner, but now I’m curious about what you're hiding." FML
Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML
Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML
Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML
Today, my mom confirmed my suspicions that my dad cheated on her. She then told me to hide my knowledge about it from my dad, and to keep my brother completely in the dark for now. Now I can't even look at my dad without reaching the brink of crying, and I'm somehow supposed to keep this under wraps. FML
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Top comments
lenamartinovic 13
How do you know your sister hasn't been traveling with the Doctor while you're sleeping?
meeeaner_th 16
Bit of a harsh username there, OP.
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Comments (61)
lenamartinovic 13
How do you know your sister hasn't been traveling with the Doctor while you're sleeping?
Sandman366 6
Because the planet hasn't been moved to a nebula, a Titanic hasn't fallen out of the sky, the atmosphere hasn't been even partially converted into clone feed, nothing's hit Big Ben....should I continue?
XxDevilxXGt 26
You forgot about the aliens. The biggest relief- no anal probing, that's the scary stuff right there. Edit: Anal probing has nothing to do with supernatural events, sorry for the crap comment, just thought about it.
HouseElf 13
50- What aliens? ;D
HouseElf 13
It's a reference by the way...cos you're not supposed to remember them
dmoran20 27
She keeps going because its bigger on the inside!
sunkissedluster 20
I'm sorry, my mom wastes so much of my dad's money on that stuff, it's all a sham and self-fulfilling prophesies. :/
XxDevilxXGt 26
Prophecies* Sorry, it's in my nature. And come on guys this comment wasn't that thumbs down worthy. "Psychics" are shameful, I don't know how it's actually an allowed practice, it's like legal con-artist practice.
Shrike 24
Yeah, she's being thumbed down because of her reputation rather than her comment, which wasn't complete crap like most others she's posted. Kind of pathetic on the part of the thumbs-downers, to be honest, though I know there are a bunch of people on here who believe in the whole psychic con.
saksxalmo 20
I feel sorry for the people who thumbed this down. Psychics should be charged with fraud unless they 1) inform their customers that their predictions are for entertainment purposes only or 2) can back up their claims with proof. You wouldn't want other businesses to take your money without providing a product, right? EDIT: That's stupid if they're thumbing her down based on her reputation. That's like denying that the sky is blue because Hitler thought so, too. Lol
Axipiter 24
I wonder if they'd also believe I have a bridge to sell them...
XxDevilxXGt 26
Woah hold the banana, you can sell me a bridge? Well guess what... Sold! I've already sent the money so don't bother sending it back, I wont take no for an answer.
smartman136 8
Tell me how london bridge looks in your back yard. Only history majors will get this.
FastidiousPear 6
Sorry 30, did you say psychics should be charged with fraud? If we follow that logic, people who go to psychics should be charged with criminal stupidity.
slimjim8094 12
Can we finally charge people with criminal stupidity? Thank god, I've been looking forward to this day for so many years!
saksxalmo 20
#74, a lot of times people who go to psychics are in mourning and looking to contact their dead loved ones. Maybe they should be allowed to throw away their money if they want to, but the people who take it shouldn't legally be allowed to lie to them about it (like, have a disclaimer or something at least). Does that make sense?
shan88 14
2. and OP I'm sorry, my mum spends so much money on psychics and she takes their word above everyone else and believes every single thing that the psychic says/does. It's so upsetting and "psychics" should be charged and shut down for good.
Vashen 5
56 - I would tell you how London Bridge looks in my back yard, but alas, it keeps falling down!
appleash 6
BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA! SOLD!!!!
FastidiousPear 6
Well 85 (aka 30), I see your point. but I think it's not up to psychics to discourage idiots. If I sold, say, fresh air in front of my house for $1 and people were willing to pay for it, why should I tell them I'm not actually giving them anything for their money.
meeeaner_th 16
Bit of a harsh username there, OP.
saksxalmo 20
Well, it IS Australia. (I kid. But I've heard that non-American English speakers tend to have fewer reservations about the word "****". Personally, I have no problem with it!)
minorcrisis 8
Thelsland, I agree with everything you said... I'm not sure why your first comment got down voted.
sens3sfailing 25
I agree with theIsland as well. My mother has always stressed how she believes that that word is the worst word there is. i can't stand using it. It's not like I condemn those who do use it, I just hating using it myself and cringe when I heard it used. If I ever called my mother that, I wouldn't be allowed back at my home until I wrote her an entire essay about how terrible the word is and how sorry I am. And even then I would be in deep shit. And my parents are not strict, just demand respect and calling someone that is the ultimate sign of disrespect in my home.
RiRi823 5
I definitely agree. Why would someone say that about their mother? Even of it's true you know, don't make such an explicit username about it...
slimjim8094 12
It might interest you to know that the word '****' is almost 800 years old and wasn't originally obscene, just the Old English word for, well, what it means now in the nonderogatory sense. There were streets called 'gropecunt lane' in a lot of English towns, which were exactly as they sounded... Point being, it's become a bad word, it didn't start as one. But most of the curse words are from vernacular Old English, while the medical or formal terms are Latin.
meeeaner_th 16
Yeah in our house that word had just always been condemned hahaha. And if my mother knew I said anything like that about her she would kick me from one end of the country to another.
shannonreneee 11
It's a disgusting term that far too many Aussies take pride in.
yelz 16
Overall swearing at your parents is disrespectful.
HortonThelephant 15
Just admit it. You touch yourself at night when no one can see
DrunkButterfly 17
I thought everyone does that and then denies it. :)
PenguinBitch 44
No we don't. At least not deny it. You're drunk aren't you?
nycwrestler 17
You're a penguin, aren't you?
mistercrow 9
Oh but you are always being seen...whether its by a someone or someTHING 0_o
RiRi823 5
That's what I thought! Lol.
da_directioner39 17
Make up a secret. It should be believable, yet not too serious, so Mom will have the satisfaction of knowing your "secret".
Sandman366 6
"My darkest secret is that I think you're wasteful for giving money over to a con artist." (I personally have no views on psychics other than they're beyond unlikely.)
VScpu 3
Mom, dad. You guys are adopted
joshiepo0 18
Every kid has a secret. Whether it is dark or not is another matter.
lilhellian 27
Every kid gets a dark secret at some point or another..
SiriusBlack97 17
That, my friends, is why psychics suck.
cocainewhore 30
That, and the fact that they're conning you for money.
DocBastard 40
"Yes mom, the dark secret is that we all ******* hate your worthless psychic and hope she doesn't foresee herself stepping in front of a bus."
kevsandy303 12
I predict that she'll be getting conned out of more money like that in the future.
Catkam623 27
I'm sorry mom, my secret is, your adopted! I should have told you years ago but I never thought you could face it.
ICastillo 25
Just tell her your "Dark secret" is that you shower naked :o... it's crazy, but it just might work.
nycwrestler 17
Showering naked? That's unheard of!
ICastillo 25
It's illegal in some countries..
babygirl0232 8
I have a deep dark secret. I shower naked. Then after I'm done showering naked I get out and put clothes on.
R4inb0wBrit3 13
You animal!