Miscellaneous: Chill out, mom - FML

Chill out, mom

By chasingcars0624 - 28/08/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3 a.m. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough, she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 889

You deserved it 13 164

Best teeth in the game

Hiding from the drama

Still pining

Recycling helps

By Julieworld - 24/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 750

By sweeeeet - 09/02/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, I got called out of class to talk to some cops. Turns out my car was involved in a hit and run accident, while I was in school and there was no possible way it could have been me. But since they have no one else, it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 915

You deserved it 2 207

By Awkward - 01/02/2013 22:53 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I tripped while walking down a large flight of stairs. As I fell forward, I instinctively reached out and grabbed onto one of the guys walking up. I ended up taking him and two other people down with me, earning myself a great many disgusted glares as I dusted myself off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 218

You deserved it 7 997

Big bang on the horizon

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 12:01

Today, I found out that in September I will be expected to teach a student whose mother described as a more pedantic, nitpicky, annoying version of Sheldon Cooper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 75

I mean…

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 01:57

Today, I finally noticed that my new coworker, with whom I have to share an office, starts every sentence with, "I mean…", then a pause, then says whatever he has to say. I can't un-notice it now, and it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 88

Baller

By Anonymous - 26/06/2020 17:00

Today, my popular friend stole another girl's boyfriend. She didn't keep him very long, though. In fact, she only kept him until I finally got together with my crush. Then she decided she had to have HIM. She succeeded, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 876

You deserved it 156

By wtfkasey - 25/06/2015 05:30 - Canada - Dundas

Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 111

You deserved it 1 972

By klm878 - 13/11/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, at work, my manager fell in front of an entire lobby full of people on a wet floor. I'm the only one who burst out laughing. Turns out she has a broken arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 957

You deserved it 37 687

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 13:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 488

You deserved it 3 050

By Anonymous - 31/07/2015 18:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was changing my clothes with my dog in the room. As I took off my shirt, he looked at me, ran into the corner, and threw up. Well that's a confidence booster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 620

You deserved it 2 777

By mnote - 23/10/2014 15:56 - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 266

You deserved it 2 902

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 966

You deserved it 30 033

Things that go bump in the… parking lot

By Lousydriver - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I hadn't noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 384

You deserved it 31 866

By crazytown - 10/04/2014 15:50 - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 297

You deserved it 4 666

Doggy dog world

By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 199

By what-the-what - 29/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 721

You deserved it 281

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 843

You deserved it 43 477

By monkeyzz - 12/10/2012 11:11 - United States - Sonora

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 440

You deserved it 6 937

By Fatty - 28/12/2011 07:57 - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 460

You deserved it 4 864

By thatisnotcool45 - 09/12/2011 05:22 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 047

You deserved it 2 696

By NotYourLady - 04/09/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting a boy who was 11 years old. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I told him that I think he is a really great kid but I'm 17 so it would never work out. He said okay. When his parents came home he told them that I hit him and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 848

You deserved it 3 655

By Anonymous - 15/06/2013 04:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my husband of 3 years learned that he's going to be a father. No, I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 481

You deserved it 4 239

By poorgirl - 17/05/2016 13:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 169

You deserved it 1 675

By lacucarcha - 15/10/2015 21:47 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my boyfriend flamboyantly proposed to me in a packed restaurant. I promptly had a panic attack and fainted in front of at least fifty people and a full mariachi band. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 002

You deserved it 2 250

By epicsquishii - 01/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 843

You deserved it 3 440

By rachlette - 17/04/2015 21:47 - United States - Seattle

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 436

You deserved it 2 789

By Anonymous - 31/08/2012 23:16 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 061

You deserved it 4 892

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 170

You deserved it 5 335

Real housewives

By restraining orders are just paper - 20/03/2021 23:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. The constant harassment, threats and stalking by my ex-wife have finally driven her away. This is the third time this has happened. My ex physically beat the other two up, and now she’s scared away the one I wanted to marry. The courts have done nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 95

By sad child - 27/08/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 679

You deserved it 2 690

By Anonymous - 12/09/2015 20:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 919

You deserved it 3 638

By 464424 - 05/05/2012 06:24 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 406

You deserved it 8 195

Insurance fraud

By Anonymous - 07/09/2020 20:02 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 1 826

By Anonymous - 01/05/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 827

You deserved it 13 642

By jumanji - 23/03/2015 23:19

Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 340

You deserved it 2 628

By Anonymous - 01/09/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 363

You deserved it 2 097

By no salt, no burning, just STFU - 08/03/2015 14:41 - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 575

You deserved it 3 531

By unappreciated - 25/06/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 696

You deserved it 2 793

By Mak1 - 05/12/2008 08:12 - Belgium

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 558

You deserved it 4 646

Make it work

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got my hair cut short, as it hasn’t been cut in well over a year and I was getting sick of dealing with it. I told the hairdresser I would probably look like a boy but she said it would look cute, and that she’d make sure it looks feminine. I loved how it came out, until the kid at CVS asked, “Can I help you sir?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 272

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Top comments

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:13

When did she call the cops? Why would they show up at 3am? I mean, if you were really dead, you'd still be dead, at lets say... Nine. In the afternoon. (;

Ashleyxphobia 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:07

At least she cares.

Comments

Ashleyxphobia 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:07

At least she cares.

ciaobella_fml 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:55

yeah at least she does.. Be thanful you have someone who does.. You'll miss it one day.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 12:28

True..."at least she cares" is of course a good thing but it CAN be annoying. :D When I was in the States last year visiting my in-laws, my Mom would keep on calling me at 3 or 4 at night. Even though I explained to her a million tims how she has to do the time difference thing...and then she bitched at me for never picking up (I always put my phone on vibrate only at night.)

the_stereotype 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 16:44

I'm going to say YDI for ignoring your mother, only because he said "if you ignore her long enough" so obviously he had been doing it for a while

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Saturday 29 August 2009 23:26

#59: dude it was some1 knocking at 3am. for all he knew it could have been a total stranger. *wakes up cuz of annoying knocking.* *looks at clock.* 3am!?!?!?!? oh it must be mother..............

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Sunday 30 August 2009 6:18

78, I think he was saying it was the cops. My mother kept calling me at inconvenient times and I couldn't answer. She then sent a text asking if everything was okay because she hadn't heard from me since sunday. this was wednesday and we regularly go without talking for a month.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:09

dude, it's your mom. of course she's gonna worry about you.. the real FML would be if she DIDN'T worry about you

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Saturday 29 August 2009 11:06

I agree, if she didn't do anything you would probably have wrote about how your life is fucked cause your mom doesn't care about you. She is your mom, you shouldn't ignore her!

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Saturday 29 August 2009 14:38

not really. it'd be nice if i could go more than a week without my mom pestering me about some insipid bullshit. although i'm guessing at some point OP's mom asked if he was okay, in which case he should have given her a quick "i'm fine" before continuing to ignore her.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 17:32

My life got a lot less stressful when my mom stopped worrying about me. Freedom tastes like sweet delicious nectar.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 19:21

Original Poster.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 19:37

Original Poster.

RisingSunset2 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:12

Hahaha. Over protective muchh ??

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Sunday 30 August 2009 0:33

No. He's just a tool. He better pay attention to his mom.

DamienTheRabbit 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:12

Well, don't ignore your mom. That's pretty easy, right?

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:13

When did she call the cops? Why would they show up at 3am? I mean, if you were really dead, you'd still be dead, at lets say... Nine. In the afternoon. (;

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:25

Nine in the afternoon? They have one of those? That must be like these fabled "Sunday mornings" I have heard of but never experienced.

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:31

It's sorta like, eight days a week. Sunday mornings remind me too much of Veggie Tales. x-x

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Saturday 29 August 2009 16:08

love that song!

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Saturday 29 August 2009 21:09

Oh, I didn't think anyone was going to get it! Thank you #57. And #5. (Unless #57 was referring to Veggie Tales. I was referring to Nine In The Afternoon. It made my day, redbluegreen.) OP: Your mother sounds like an overprotective one. Very. She went to great lengths to make sure you were safe. Show some love for your caring mother.

redbluegreen 40

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Sunday 30 August 2009 5:37

Yes, I was referring to Nine in the Afternoon. I'm glad someone got it and that I made your day HeyLady42. :D

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:13

Maybe you're dead and don't know it? haha, pretty overprotective.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:15

Yeah, moms are like that. Which is why, if my mom calls, I at least pick up and say "I'm alive, gotta go."

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:16

Hahaha don't ignore her then!

shootingstar8D 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:18

Also I agree with the first comment, Some parents don't even give a shit about their kids. And some kids don't even have a mom. So be grateful for your overprotected mum

moonlight_daze 8

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:19

YDI for having a door.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:20

couldn't agree more

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Saturday 29 August 2009 9:36

Normally I hate these random YDI trolls but that one was hilarious.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 10:23

At least he has a door. My bedroom dosnt have door. I have a flag. Yay.

orchids_torturer 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 15:28

you r right. that was infact the original problem...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 85

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 87