Boundaries

By Sfg_926 - 26/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML
I agree, your life sucks 14 852
You deserved it 3 527

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Answer her politly, "I'm really sorry making you feel that way by telling you something nice, I'll do it never again" and don't forget to cc it to all others. That's a way to let know the others, how stupid she is, without saying it.

Well, at least now you and everyone else know not to compliment her on her appearance!

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Well, at least now you and everyone else know not to compliment her on her appearance!

The word 'cute' might not have been the best choice for a workplace.

Especially when saying a person looks cute. "Cute jacket" might not have been a problem. Understand that she's probably heard this kind of stuff way too many times.

She could've mentioned that to him even just over an email. She didn't need to involve the whole office

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You shouldn't involve the whole office over something that might not even be a problem. Why not talk to HR instead.

this is what's wrong with people. you say one simple harmless complement trying to be nice and if you're not considered "good enough" for that person they make it sound like you sexual harass women. it's disgusting that people defend this. calling someone cute is in no way offensive and shouldn't be taken as an insult or that the person saying it had any sexual intentions.

Answer her politly, "I'm really sorry making you feel that way by telling you something nice, I'll do it never again" and don't forget to cc it to all others. That's a way to let know the others, how stupid she is, without saying it.

I think the way workplaces are now, saying anything after this may be considered strike 2. I would count my lucky stars, put my tail between my legs and slither out. You cannot win this one..

The coworker has the right to ask OP not to comment on her appearance. I'm sure OP had nothing but good intentions, but if it makes her uncomfortable then that's all there is to it. What makes this an FML is her involving the whole office. That's unprofessional and not okay. She should have emailed OP privately or involved their boss at most.

That is a great idea Zobara

It's completely understandable why it made her uncomfortable, but she didn't need to include the rest of the office in the email.

When did small compliments become a thing we had to be careful making?

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It's not really understandable. It was a compliment

@20 Saying someone looks cute is NOT objectifying. If he said sexy or hot, then yes I could understand it.

20 being the perfect example of the triggered feminazi.

Most jobs have a Human Resources Department, the Military has SHARP. If it made her uncomfortable she could've gone to you, but she didn't have to. CC everyone back with an apology for complimenting her outfit, and probably never talk to her again, especially without someone else around you.

Nazis killed millions of people. Your comment negates the impact of the Holocaust and is quite ignorant.

In a professional work environment, discomfort does make it inappropriate. If a coworker does something that makes other coworkers uncomfortable that's a problem. I don't call people I don't know well, or am not hitting on cute. The best action is to say that makes me uncomfortable, second best go to a manager or HR, but maybe the OP is creeper, unintentionally or not and needed to be called out on it. Hopefully the OP isn't, but plenty of work environments have that person, who is overly complimenting and flirting with people, she took action that stopped it right away. OP learned some lessons, hopefully it doesn't continue to negatively affect the OP in the workplace.

I don't see how this won't effect OP's work. She made sure to humiliate him as publicly as she could. Other people weren't there, they don't know OP didn't say something awful and given this, they'll probably assume it. This was horribly uncalled for and juvenile. If OP replies he should be very careful. These things can horribly spiral and he could be fired. If he replies, I suggest something very neutral and apologetic like "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, it wasn't my intention and I promise it won't happen again. I'm also sorry I made you so uncomfortable you couldn't discuss this matter with me in person. I value you very much as a coworker." He should NEVER say to anyone that she was being ridiculous (even though it looks like she was). Apologize and validate her feelings. Anything less will be tying OP's own noose. He should then do his best to avoid her and not speak to her unless other's are present. This woman has already made an attempt to ruin his reputation at work, he should watch for her to continue the attack.

As a follow up, these fmls are hard cus we don't know all the details. To be fair to the coworker, she could have previously been in a very toxic work environment and be afraid of that happening again. People who have dealt with shit, tend to expect it. People who have been harassed (like really harassed) will be primed to see it. OP doesn't know her past. Validate her feelings (she could actually have a good reason for feeling this way without OP having actually done anything wrong) but also watch yourself, OP. Be nice, polite, and professional, but be careful.

Look, you don't have to be a feminist to know that you shouldn't sexualize people. why is it that when anything involving women comes up you idiots cry feminism. Do i believe calling someone cute is sexualizing them? not really but its not anyones right to tell someone they should or shouldnt be uncomfortable with something

ah a wild feminazi on the loose. There's a difference between a compliment and being objectified. Objectified is "i want you on my face." compliment is "hey, you look cute today."

You sound like such a piece of meat

Plus so much is in tone and body language. How you say things is just as important as what you say. You can tell someone they look cute, but if you grin and wink while doing it, it's creepy. Context, tone and body language are very important.

There is nothing inappropriate about the word cute, this is just one person being overly sensitive. And even IF what you said is true for her, she could have simply told op that. If anything, her open attempt to humiliate op in front of everyone is way, way worse than that.

Nothing you said validates her public humiliation of op. Even IF that were true, cc'ing everyone is just plain spiteful.

I think what the problem is that the OP could have done this more than once and she's putting a stop to it - "it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me". I'm sure the OP's intentions are good and he was just being friendly, and maybe a bit flirty, but she obviously doesn't think that sort of thing is appropriate in the workplace, or maybe she experienced sexual harassment at work before and thought she could nip it at the bud by 'CCing everyone to let them know in case OP tried something, which I'm sure isn't the case at all (personally, I wouldn't 'CC my coworkers, I'd rather tell the boss/HR, but anyway)...Until there's a follow-up, we can't say for certain what the deal is...

that is not understandable at all. cute is in no way objectifying. it's the same as saying you look good or pretty. saying sexy or hot or fine could be offensive but it was an innocent complement. a guy making a nice innocent remark to a girl trying to make her feel good about herself should not get looked down upon much less called out on it in front of his other Coworkers

You wouldn't tell a male coworker they look cute. Don't tell your coworkers they cute. A lot of women don't want to hear stuff like anymore.

Go suck a penis 6. That's stupid. If a girl told me I was cute I'd appreciate that. Happens often. As they say on Madagascar, smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

I'm with you #6, it's at best irrelevant and at worst intimidating. And just because someone has an opinion about something and expresses it, that doesn't mean anyone is obliged to like it.

You might not use the adjective 'cute', but really, you wouldn't ever tell a guy who looked like they had specifically made an effort to look good that they looked good? That an outfit looked sharp, or the gym was paying off?

I call guys cute all the time 6, you're just an oversensitive idiot.

Oh no, getting an innocent compliment, the horror! Just because someone thinks your outfit looks good/cute, doesn't automatically mean that person wants to fuck you. Get over yourself, please.

You are an idiot

Send her an email saying "it really makes me uncomfortable that you told the whole office you didn't like what I said and I shouldn't have to feel that way at work. Next time you have a problem with me just let me know before you try to publicly embarrass me."

Pretty much anything can be construed as sexual harassment these days. Better to leave things like that unsaid in the workplace, no matter how innocent the intention may be.

Reminds me of an SNL sketch where the real answer was "Don't be unattractive, be attractive." Having been through several related corporate training courses, attention is bad if its undesired. Since we can only rarely know in advance if the other person at work desires attention from us, it's smart to absolutely avoid any remarks that could be taken in the slightest sexual or "dating" like way. For example, "nice shoes" or "that dress is my favorite color" is fairly safe. Saying "you are pretty" or cute is risky because it could be taken to indicate a dating type interest.

People from Oregon are crazy. I'd know. I live here.

It really goes for most places. Stupid is pretty contagious.

I second the Oregon people are crazy comment. I know I live in Washington, and we're all sane up here. >:)

Not sure why people are thumbing this down. I also live in Oregon, and yes, people are freaking crazy here.