Work: Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:44 - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 999

You deserved it 1 500

And today, on Dr Phil…

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Mama's boy

By Anonymous - 26/09/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 966

You deserved it 3 533

By jessefonsexy. - 07/12/2010 11:08 - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 082

You deserved it 2 761

Red Right Hand

By Hollerz90 - 02/04/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 182

By shewantsmedead - 26/01/2017 18:00

Today, I ran into my mother-in-law, who I absolutely can't stand, with my car at 5mph by accident. She jumped out in front of me after a particularly nasty argument, but my husband won't believe me and neither will the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 985

You deserved it 554

By skiergal98 - 18/08/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 108

You deserved it 131

Weird compliment, but OK

By prettyconstipated - 09/03/2021 14:02

Today, while buying laxatives at a store, the cashier loudly declared that I'm "too pretty" to be constipated. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 83

By nopenopenopenope - 23/09/2016 03:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 623

You deserved it 2 437

By Recon - 17/03/2009 12:16 - Switzerland

Today, I had gone to the store and bought a new wallet. 5 minutes later a security guard asks for my receipt. Turns out I had dropped my receipt. Some guy had picked it up and pretended I had stole his wallet. The guard confiscated my wallet because the guy had "his" receipt to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 564

You deserved it 8 390

By Meghan Elise - 06/07/2019 02:41

Today, my boyfriend and I dyed our hair. His hair came out good. My hair, on the other hand, came out splotchy, and instead of dark blue, it came out green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 556

By Soundofaboner - 23/04/2013 16:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 293

You deserved it 10 077

By Jess - 04/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 768

You deserved it 3 529

By aabadaba - 01/04/2013 05:23 - United States - La Mirada

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 380

You deserved it 4 621

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 764

You deserved it 5 176

By Anonymous - 11/08/2018 01:30

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 755

You deserved it 328

The bed is lava

By for better or for farts - 06/08/2020 23:01

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 179

By Alex - 26/06/2014 21:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 785

You deserved it 3 400

By whatthewhat - 18/11/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 117

You deserved it 3 291

By Anonymous - 26/06/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 246

You deserved it 2 978

By Anonymous - 05/02/2011 03:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 177

You deserved it 54 488

By CptZoe - 29/02/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 711

You deserved it 16 423

Don't dick around with those guys

By Cuntface McGee - 21/02/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 837

You deserved it 18 566

By theshad - 10/09/2010 06:28 - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 934

You deserved it 28 647

Sharing is caring

By Infested Girlfriend - 30/04/2020 05:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boyfriend and I are so close that we share everything. This now includes his head lice. Thanks, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 366

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 22/08/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I managed to break my ankle by running it over with the wheelchair I've used on a daily basis for the last 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 537

You deserved it 161

Alexa, play "Hot Hot Hot" by The Cure

By Talented73 - 07/07/2021 16:01 - United States - Yonkers

Today, we're in the middle of a heatwave. When I woke up this morning, I noticed that my scrotum was stuck to the side of my leg from all the perspiration. I had to actually peel it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 00:01 - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 075

You deserved it 190

By theydidsmellitthough - 08/02/2013 21:59 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 140

You deserved it 9 352

By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 01/09/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 211

You deserved it 3 211

Unloveable

By Grant Williams - 13/06/2021 01:01 - United States - Frisco

Spicy

Today, I had a conversation with a girl on Tinder, for the third time this month. Just like the other two girls, she turned out to be a prostitute. Only prostitutes will give me the time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 154

By Just Lonely - 04/09/2016 05:04 - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 513

You deserved it 964

By Anonymous - 09/07/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 220

You deserved it 993

By Yoooooo0 - 29/11/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 960

You deserved it 3 705

By Anonymous - 23/07/2012 19:12 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 173

You deserved it 5 345

By pissedandcomputerless - 07/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 971

You deserved it 8 659

By sdk2010 - 06/03/2012 17:05 - Canada

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss claimed it was because I smelled like alcohol, never mind the fact that my job was brew master at a beer company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 381

You deserved it 2 251

College life is hell

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 05:01

Today, my crush came up to me at a college party and said "I like you." I tried to be cool and said sarcastically, "Thank you. I like myself too. That was a wonderful prank." He was amazed, and asked me how I knew it was a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 185

By me - 14/06/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 845

You deserved it 4 628

By Ndanick1193 - 17/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 246

You deserved it 5 286

The Dictator

By anonymous - 18/01/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 4 096

Fight!

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 08:01

Today, I got a call from the county’s courthouse where I used to live saying I was being sued for fraud and expected in court to defend myself. Apparently, my ex took a loan out in my name and now I get to pay $2300 worth of legal fees and restitution to this loan company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 68

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:15

That's a pretty cool new name you have though... Side note: dick move by the company to not hire you for that reason. Stupid.

christinamarie17 29

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:20

What's your name then?

Comments

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:15

That's a pretty cool new name you have though... Side note: dick move by the company to not hire you for that reason. Stupid.

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Friday 16 October 2015 18:09

Meryl lynch

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Saturday 17 October 2015 4:55

It's nice to meet you Mr. Johnson & Johnson

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:15

wow, I'm sorry OP that has to suck. would the rival company be similar in the job description so you could work there. if not I'm sorry and good luck finding a new job!

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:19

Join their rival and have fun crushing them! It's just business with a dash of Personal.

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:20

Paranoid much? Sheesh, some people are just too much.

christinamarie17 29

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:20

What's your name then?

columbusthecat 17

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Friday 16 October 2015 21:10

I don't think OP wants us to know, which is why it was posted by anonymous.

herecomestheboom 21

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Saturday 17 October 2015 2:06

Betty Crocker?

christinamarie17 29

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Saturday 17 October 2015 3:17

A lot of FMLs are posted anonymously. More than likely OP doesn't have an account and didn't post under a nickname.

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Saturday 17 October 2015 17:16

Ronald McDonald

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:22

I would have told them to call me 007 before leaving dramatically. Nothing can go wrong being James Bond, even being turned down from an awesome job. Just go apply there and say it was meant to be!

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:23

It's weird that your parents named you PetSmart. But Petco should not be your dream job.

TheGreatPotato 19

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:23

Watch out for Pyros, OP.

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Friday 16 October 2015 8:05

He'll be too busy sapping sentries.

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:30

Turn down for what *music playing loud* sorry, keep hearing that inside my head when I read "turn(ed) down" you must have either a very common name or a very awesome one. I'll be waiting for the follow up!

DeltaDragonxx 20

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Friday 16 October 2015 15:50

That song hasn't been a thing in months. Please don't bring it back.

Emmalyne606777 18

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Friday 16 October 2015 7:39

That is ridiculous. Especially if you had nothing to do with their rival company.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 33

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 146