By fuck you mom - 17/4/2020 20:00

Boozehound

Today, my mom laid into me, calling me a selfish bitch, blaming me for my dad not being around and finally that she should’ve aborted me. All because I couldn't get her booze from the neighborhood market she’s been banned from. I’m not even 21. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Fear factor

Caught red-handed

By Elizabeth Ann - 4/10/2019 22:00

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By frustrated - 17/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

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By x - 21/2/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

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By whatismydadthinking - 6/8/2009 08:45 - Australia

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

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By meowmeow - 21/9/2010 04:38 - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By Unimpressed - 3/6/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

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By Ama_544347571 - 24/5/2017 16:00 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 14:00

Eye-bleach please

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

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By Twitchy - 14/9/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By skinnybitch - 8/9/2019 14:00

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By poormom - 27/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

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By everybodypoops - 2/8/2017 20:00

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

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By ouchouchouch - 28/3/2012 04:16 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2018 20:30

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

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By Todd - 14/8/2012 16:14 - United States

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

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By Kmcc - 22/4/2019 12:00

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By kerdersty - 30/5/2011 03:27 - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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By RiverRunsRed - 22/9/2019 22:00

Gamers rise up

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

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By cat_loser - 9/12/2016 01:29

Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML

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By RDS - 8/7/2019 18:00

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

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By bl3ur0z3 - 3/9/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

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By HadToApologize - 3/11/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

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By Lio - 12/11/2008 05:25 - France

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

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By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 5/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 17:38 - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By anonymouss - 24/5/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

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By ilana - 10/2/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

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By NathanPlays - 23/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By please leave... - 13/2/2013 19:33 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

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By chinesef000d - 29/8/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML

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By El Jeffe - 5/7/2016 17:54 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

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By anon - 18/3/2011 12:36

Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML

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By Birthday girl - 6/1/2013 05:59 - United States - Wahpeton

Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By LanaStidolph - 2/12/2017 06:00

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

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By merchgirl - 14/11/2016 10:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

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Top comments

By 123Puppy | 26

#7898556 - Friday 17 April 2020 22:00

I’m sorry that your mom is so toxic to you. :( I really hope that you will be able to move out in the near future!

By Boyufd | 20

#7898545 - Friday 17 April 2020 21:04

when you leave the house make sure you never contact her again

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7898539 - Friday 17 April 2020 20:43

Try to get the booze from the market and they'll ban you for trying to buy liquor while underage. Then, you'll have a valid excuse for not doing that.

By Boyufd | 20

#7898545 - Friday 17 April 2020 21:04

when you leave the house make sure you never contact her again

By 123Puppy | 26

#7898556 - Friday 17 April 2020 22:00

I’m sorry that your mom is so toxic to you. :( I really hope that you will be able to move out in the near future!

By bloopaloop | 27

#7898580 - Saturday 18 April 2020 1:34

Seriously? You can’t get booze? That’s like the easiest thing in the world

By tabby cat tidbit | 5

#7898683 - Saturday 18 April 2020 12:20

you poor thing

By LackyLacy | 5

#7898869 - Sunday 19 April 2020 5:48

Alcoholism is a nasty beast. Best of luck.

By Ariane Bolt | 6

#7901669 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 20:49

Don't you know? Children are only allowed to exist/live if you bow to the parents' every whim. /s

By aryania | 6

#7904729 - Saturday 9 May 2020 10:13

she indirectly told you why your dads not around.