By yaa - 17/4/2020 17:00

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

Vultures

By JLoRd - 1/2/2009 14:40 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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By Josie - 5/6/2012 04:27 - United States - Florence

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

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By Tenniemo - 20/6/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

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By Stupid - 20/4/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

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By thewhompingwillow - 1/9/2012 17:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

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By flowerman - 26/12/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML

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By sotired - 5/3/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying, "I can come over today. She thinks I've got work." I think he had the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 20:02

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. All because I’m thinking of moving to the UK next year to study, and apparently, a girl he’s been thinking about for a week is a better option. FML

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By rozsrredd - 8/7/2014 05:41 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

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By leenibeani4 - 8/3/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, at the eye doctor, they asked for my birth date for the files. My dad answered quickly, "May 28, 1994." It was embarrassing to have to correct him with "April 19, 1993." Who's May 28? Way to go dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, I found my son's dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn't flush it. Instead he placed it in one of my socks, placed that sock in a jar, and set the jar in the back of my closet. The fish has been dead for over a month. FML

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By Richie - 20/5/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint. She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12-inch ham sub. FML

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By ordinaryday - 22/5/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By unemployable - 5/12/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By sunlightchild_14 - 13/9/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

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By AnonCat - 21/1/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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By gmac0417 - 1/9/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By yay! - 8/11/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

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By loser weeper - 26/11/2018 21:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

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By foreveralone - 1/12/2014 14:37 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

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By squeak - 12/9/2011 13:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

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By lululee53 - 31/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML

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By stillpoor - 14/3/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By Judy69 - 7/4/2012 07:04 - United States - Dekalb

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

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By SNBBFF - 25/10/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring? - 23/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:46 - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By awilson - 11/9/2009 18:26 - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

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By AM - 31/8/2015 21:46

Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML

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By Ihavealisp - 16/2/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By grossuncle - 25/2/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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By laterchoice - 2/10/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, my girlfriend informed me that she is still in love with the guy she cheated on me with. She admitted that she would be willing to do anything with him if he wanted to. And, "He's a better kisser too." FML

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By Thomas - 13/12/2009 06:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing happy birthday with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

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By Alisha Marie - 4/8/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7898498 - Friday 17 April 2020 17:18

He may not have gone to medical school, but he seems to be an authority on poor lifestyle choices and bad eating habits.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7898594 - Saturday 18 April 2020 4:57

Because brother-in-law can mean husband's brother or sister's husband. It's ambiguous.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7898498 - Friday 17 April 2020 17:18

He may not have gone to medical school, but he seems to be an authority on poor lifestyle choices and bad eating habits.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7898508 - Friday 17 April 2020 17:31

then next time point that out

By ahabsfan | 14

#7898550 - Friday 17 April 2020 21:27

Why not say brother-in-law?

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7898594 - Saturday 18 April 2020 4:57

Because brother-in-law can mean husband's brother or sister's husband. It's ambiguous.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7898581 - Saturday 18 April 2020 1:35

He might know from experience.

By slowhandjp | 14

#7898582 - Saturday 18 April 2020 1:36

Could anyone tell me what the DUIs is?

Reply

Jaymail | 13

#7898587 - Saturday 18 April 2020 2:14

DUI stands for Driving Under Intoxication. A person is only allowed to have so much alcohol in their blood before the law feels they’re impaired enough to not be able to safely drive.

Reply

lifeis4me | 16

#7898598 - Saturday 18 April 2020 5:35

Driving under the influence, AKA drunk driving

By tabby cat tidbit | 5

#7898684 - Saturday 18 April 2020 12:22

I think I might know a good divorce lawyer

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7898773 - Saturday 18 April 2020 19:38

Well, he clearly shows motivation to be a doctor and researcher!. You should encourage him to research on how people die young from obesity and stuff him full of McDonald’s

By Kayyyy | 1

#7899127 - Monday 20 April 2020 1:24

CEO of being a hypocrite

By Taylor Caldwell | 9

#7899296 - Monday 20 April 2020 17:43

It is a very small percent of disease that is hereditary most people confuse genetics with lifestyle and eating habits that run in families.

By Ariane Bolt | 6

#7901670 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 20:50

Is that really so bad? You don't have to interact with him if you don't want to.