Kids: Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all... - FML

By Anonymous - 09/05/2014 23:57 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 368

You deserved it 4 126

Vulture

Sorry…

The step before rat-licker

By dancer_2014 - 28/05/2011 12:44 - United States

Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 158

You deserved it 16 282

By stuff - 16/08/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 594

You deserved it 6 283

By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 801

You deserved it 5 549

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 01:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 405

You deserved it 62 884

By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 351

You deserved it 1 983

By scoobses - 02/10/2015 00:45 - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 788

You deserved it 1 880

By nevergoingtopeeagain - 07/11/2013 00:16 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 612

You deserved it 35 961

Make it rain

By howler - 15/02/2011 06:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 276

You deserved it 64 530

Sips unsee juice

By Facepalm2020 - 21/06/2020 23:01

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 312

By i.ask.you.how. - 12/07/2009 06:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, a friend of mine told me that he knew I was into kinky sex, "like getting tied up." I just stared at him, spluttering simple question words and wondering how on earth he could possibly know that about me. I then realized that he had been joking. Too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 572

You deserved it 20 546

By Ash_U - 19/08/2017 16:00

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 333

You deserved it 336

By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - 27/04/2013 20:23 - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 569

You deserved it 3 662

By Madi Jenna - 04/05/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 178

You deserved it 5 835

Communication Breakdown

By Anonymous - 18/04/2021 17:00

Today, I just called my now ex-girlfriend to break up with her, due to our insurmountable lack of communication, even though I was in therapy for four months to try and keep the relationship afloat. Before breaking up, she'd blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and Instagram for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 137

By Iknowhowtoraisethem - 26/12/2016 01:06 - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 328

You deserved it 907

By anonymous - 23/12/2014 11:28 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 212

You deserved it 4 694

By Username - 02/08/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 945

You deserved it 2 733

Wake up call

By das_shizzle - 05/05/2020 23:00

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 276

You deserved it 238

Phoneless in Seattle

By Anonymous - 19/11/2021 23:00

Today, in a rush to get to the gym after work for a class, I left my phone in the office. It's Friday and the building will be locked until Monday morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 338

Date night

By JulleandCici - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 005

You deserved it 5 025

By crap - 07/03/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 293

You deserved it 7 291

Life is unfair…

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 78

By Anonymous - 14/08/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 304

You deserved it 3 035

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 864

You deserved it 97 106

By cheated - 08/07/2009 06:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 793

You deserved it 4 522

By Riicogonz - 13/08/2018 20:32

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 556

You deserved it 173

By Brayden - 10/01/2016 03:27 - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 238

You deserved it 1 744

Everyone's a critic

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, I finally left a one-star review for my doctor’s office. I mentioned my doctor was epic, but called them out on their poor billing practices. I got a call saying my awesome doctor actually owns the clinic. My next appointment is going to be so awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 291

By Anonymous - 12/06/2014 00:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 600

You deserved it 4 875

Fragile

By jballer - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 774

You deserved it 6 498

By Anonymous - 04/01/2009 05:24 - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 678

You deserved it 2 037

By Anonymous - 15/01/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 882

You deserved it 3 961

By Anonymous - 11/02/2015 21:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 972

You deserved it 9 836

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I had a playing test in orchestra, which I've pracriced over 30 hours for. After I played my part, which I thought I did very well, my teacher asked how much I had practice. Trying to show off, I said "Oh, just 30 minutes." My teacher said "It shows, that was terrible." She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 892

You deserved it 58 940

A tad unfair

By Anonymous - 02/04/2021 14:01

Today, my parents have made it very clear to me that if I fail one more assignment, they’re disowning me. I got a zero on a paper that I poured my heart and soul into, and in the notes, the teacher wrote, “I don’t even need to read this paper to know that it is bad.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 117

By Shelly - 30/10/2010 18:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 060

You deserved it 12 554

By CassidyQueen - 06/06/2015 02:14 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 137

You deserved it 5 535

By Anonymous - 03/11/2014 15:54 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 995

You deserved it 3 622

By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 015

You deserved it 3 714

By LesToiliettes - 25/03/2012 07:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 784

You deserved it 2 136

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Top comments

BIGBOY4rmAHM 19

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:12

Just tell her Happy mothers day and walk away.

ChristianH39 30

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:13

She sounds extremely supportive and loving. But seriously OP if she wasn't ready to have you, and did, she has nobody but herself to blame. You didn't ruin her life, if she wasn't vacuous and self centered she would realize that she's the one who did that.

Comments

BIGBOY4rmAHM 19

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:12

Just tell her Happy mothers day and walk away.

AnonymousFunFMLs 18

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Saturday 10 May 2014 8:07

Aww I'm sorry OP sometimes being drunk brings out hidden feelings but I think she's grateful to have you and if it helps I'm happy you were born!

DedicatedNova 13

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:12

This happens to me everyday. I know the feeling.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:18

It seems we may have yet another attention whore on FML

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:20

#13: It's not attention-whoring. The man is making an empathetic statement. They are two completely different things.

WelcomeToAndale 13

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:52

Your mum gets drunk everyday? I think she may have a problem..

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Saturday 10 May 2014 6:07

@27, where did everyday come from?

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Saturday 10 May 2014 7:38

read #2's post you idiot

glabberfasted 16

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Saturday 10 May 2014 7:47

30 - "This happens to me everyday." "happens to me everyday." "everyday."

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Saturday 10 May 2014 8:03

Learn to read.

DedicatedNova 13

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Saturday 10 May 2014 16:44

Yes she has a problem

Angelastic_fml 18

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Saturday 10 May 2014 18:59

FWIW, it should be 'every day', though; 'everyday' is an adjective, so it could be used in a sentence such as 'This is an everyday occurrence for me.'

TheCanucklehead 22

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Saturday 10 May 2014 23:24

81 - Great fucking story.

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Monday 12 May 2014 20:56

Emo

ChristianH39 30

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:13

She sounds extremely supportive and loving. But seriously OP if she wasn't ready to have you, and did, she has nobody but herself to blame. You didn't ruin her life, if she wasn't vacuous and self centered she would realize that she's the one who did that.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 6:50

It didn't say she blamed him, she just ranted about having him, and he was just there at the moment.

ksuth 25

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Saturday 10 May 2014 12:36

^ basically, blaming his existence and birth for getting in the way of everything she never got to do = blaming him.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 18:22

OP can count herself lucky. My mom does that while sober.

briggsopposed 8

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

Don't you just love it when mother go crazy right before mothers day?

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

Best to remove yourself from the scene. Better to wait out the ravings.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

That sucks, raising a child is very rewarding and can make long lasting memories. I'm sorry OP

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Saturday 10 May 2014 6:12

CAN be very rewarding, for people who WANT to be parents.

ChristianH39 30

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Saturday 10 May 2014 6:30

People who don't want to be parents and end up with kids still shouldn't blame them for their own mistakes.

Fmlsea 28

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Saturday 10 May 2014 7:47

theres always options for people who dont want kids! Like adoption that way people who actually want kids, but cant have them would be able to have a chance of having a family.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 12:46

#41. I was given up for adopting as an infant. This is a good choice for people who are ready for parenthood. I am EXTREMELY grateful for my birth moms decision. I love my adopted family. The only family I have ever know. Anyone who down voted this suggestion needs to think again. I had a better life this way and am thankful to God that I wasn't aborted or kept in a place that I was unwanted.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 12:47

*are not ready for parenthood* sorry for the typo

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Saturday 10 May 2014 17:09

You're right about not blaming your kids for your problems, 35, but I'm still not sure why 31's getting thumbed down. It's true that kids are not rewarding or "blessings", in common FML parlance, for everyone, and while this may not be where 6 was going with his comment, the attitude that children are ALWAYS rewarding and people will see that as soon as they have their own, even if they have serious doubts, probably contributed to OP's mom's poor decision to have a kid she didn't want in the first place.

ryanthecheeseguy 18

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:15

Don't make her breakfast in bed on Sunday.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:15

a rockstar

jsp16 24

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:15

Guess she won't get the "Thank you for being a great Mom" card and roses this year, for Mother's Day.

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Saturday 10 May 2014 5:15

I feel that too. Just don't talk to get all weekend, drop a Mother's Day card off, and when she asks why your ignoring her, hit her with how you felt to what she said.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 12

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 2 373

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 195