Health: Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my...

By cc13799 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

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Health

Season finale

Tasty!

It's the thought that counts

By Idon'thave£12000

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By Nicole Jones - 1/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Nooooooo… !

Today, after having a hard week, I decided to order a pizza with an expensive milkshake. It slipped out of my hand in front of the lift. It went everywhere. I had nothing on me to clean it up with. Now I’m milkshakeless, down £5, and accidentally responsible for littering my accommodation. FML

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880

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By Lucas79 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML

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By leelee50 - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

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By Bailyboo - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Astoria

Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML

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By Jacobro - United States

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

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By KittyNeko - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

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By candie - United States

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

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By babylove - South Africa

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

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By Kasey Eames - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

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By RAHrahRAH - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my little brother found the singing Santa Claus from last year, and it still works. I'm now going to be hearing nothing but "We WISH you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!" for the next 20 days. FML

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By sgibson982136

Today, I spent 30 minutes ringing up a Guinea pig and supplies for a customer who talked like a sloth, all while she argued with over the price of everything, only for her to return it all 5 minutes later because her sister "changed her mind." FML

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By the other guy? - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By hannieannie - 12/7/2020 02:02

His type

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

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By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

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By ToTeachorNottoTeach - 2/9/2020 20:01 - United States - Los Angeles

The best of times, the worst of times

Today, I'm a teacher in the middle of a pandemic. Half my students haven't shown up to my class. The other half don't do any assignments. I keep my job based on how well my students do. FML

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By XxMe123xx - France

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML

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By thewrittenrebel - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

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36087

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By xXPikachuXx

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By flicmybicgrl - 23/9/2020 08:01

Look where you're going

Today, I was heading to class with all of my books and papers in my arms. To prevent tripping and falling down the stairs, I decided to take the elevator. On my way there, I slipped and fell because my books were blocking the wet floor sign. FML

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951

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

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By cannotexplain - Australia

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML

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By badluckbrian

Today, I lost my job. This was a surprise, as my performance hasn’t ever been an issue. My boss couldn’t look me in the eye while it happened, and the HR representative cut me off when I tried to ask why, informing me that they would only answer benefit-related questions. FML

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By davav74 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

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By dom - United States

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 02:03

Explain that one

Today, I was eating dinner with my husband and his family. My father-in-law says to my mother-in-law, "You know what’s in your mouth? Sausage!" It was so random that I laughed, as quietly as I could. My husband then loudly asked me what was so funny. Everyone went quiet and looked at me. FML

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1256

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By iamnotuseless

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

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28586

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

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By Foreveralone - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

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By scaredofcutouts - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to place a cardboard cut-out of a person at the foot of my bed. I woke up, saw the cut-out from the corner of my eye, fell out of bed, landed on my hand wrong, and broke two fingers. She got it all on video. FML

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Top comments

By Kobe1Kenobi | 3

#5958553 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:00

Your moms a quack

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#5958547 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:55

That sucks, try getting prescribed something from your doctor.

COMMENTS

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#5958547 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:55

That sucks, try getting prescribed something from your doctor.

BootheGhost | 6

#5958607 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 13:25

Don't worry, Aflac will give him the money he needs.

cakefete2 | 30

#5958684 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:42

If not the whole amount, they should be able to give OP a de-duck-tion of the total cost.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5958941 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 20:15

Idk what's worse, sounding like Gilbert Godfried, the parrot from Alladin, or Ben Stein, Ferris Beuller's day off...

By Brilliant66star | 17

#5958548 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:56

Feel better soon..!

By Kobe1Kenobi | 3

#5958553 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:00

Your moms a quack

ktmla | 14

#5958667 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:09

Allergies ducking suck. Sorry OP!

cakefete2 | 30

#5958690 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:48

These puns are starting to leave a fowl taste in my mouth.

megstiel | 16

#5959055 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 22:50

Webbed feet

megstiel | 16

#5959059 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 22:55

I'm sorry I just wanted to feel apart of something.

By maxhhh | 18

#5958555 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:01

Aren't allergies a quack?

By PattonGilette2 | 18

#5958563 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:04

9echo | 17

#5958693 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:56

OP should see visit a physician if it's that serious...just hope his doctor isn't a quack!

By JMichael | 25

#5958571 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:17

At least it's better than sounding like Pee Wee Herman right?

By silvercamaro | 22

#5958572 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:18

Maybe you could replace the voice of the guy who got fired from Aflac until you get better?

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5958573 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:18

Hot shower and steam can help clear it up.

By Adam5858 | 17

#5958582 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:36

Good for prank calling.....there is always a positive

By DylanHasClass | 17

#5958593 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 13:04

Oh SNAP! For some reason that fml made me laugh hard