Health: Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my...

By cc13799 - 28/05/2014 00:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 457

You deserved it 4 369

Health

Another great day to be alive

Empathy lives

Batman

By Crys - 29/12/2018 12:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 259

You deserved it 224

By usafprog - 27/07/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 525

You deserved it 22 052

By Dv0829 - 21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 177

You deserved it 4 809

By Just Lonely - 04/09/2016 05:04 - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 513

You deserved it 964

By Milked Richard - 06/02/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 122

You deserved it 5 609

By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 115

You deserved it 4 863

Rush hour

By lateforwork - 02/09/2019 14:00

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 225

By Tooloud - 24/03/2013 23:21 - Canada

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 953

You deserved it 5 732

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 263

You deserved it 3 708

By Idontdance - 23/08/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with." Then everyone scrambled to find someone. There was just enough guy-girl pairs. This hot girl and I were the only two left. She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 046

You deserved it 4 441

By perfect - 04/02/2013 20:47 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 744

You deserved it 6 042

By helpme - 25/09/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 284

You deserved it 7 726

By Flubber - 07/02/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 447

You deserved it 5 811

By snore - 19/04/2014 20:12 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 597

You deserved it 5 599

By vicgal - 14/08/2009 18:33 - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 904

You deserved it 10 647

By Bebefer - 15/03/2012 07:49 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 672

You deserved it 2 430

By Anonymous - 03/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 079

You deserved it 14 777

By 2285morgan - 15/12/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I heard my alarm go off, dragged myself out of bed, had breakfast and got ready for work. As I was heading out the door I checked the time again. It was 1:41 AM. Apparently my alarm never actually went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 381

You deserved it 6 075

By Keith walk - 12/02/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 180

You deserved it 22 829

By Anonymous - 28/09/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 108

You deserved it 3 641

By Anonymous - 06/07/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I found out I'm being evicted from my apartment on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 847

You deserved it 18 283

By Anonymous - 29/03/2018 15:00

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 651

You deserved it 178

By Female - 22/01/2013 23:16 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 767

You deserved it 2 803

By KrissyBearr - 31/12/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I love him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 159

You deserved it 9 958

By wasted_life - 18/01/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I got demoted at my job. Instead of working with patients, they want me to file. The thing is, I'm a volunteer; I work for them for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 971

You deserved it 3 728

Anthony Fantano over here

By WAPmeBaby - 25/08/2020 20:02 - United States

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 204

By Talvesh - 15/12/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 937

You deserved it 2 139

By TheComedyAudio - 25/02/2018 01:30

Today, I let my roommate borrow my car to go to the store. Later, I saw a picture on Facebook of my roommate and his buddies with my car saying, "Gone for the weekend!" I work at 8am tomorrow and he won't answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 430

You deserved it 852

By Momma - 19/06/2010 07:47 - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 030

You deserved it 30 719

By Anonymous - 11/05/2014 19:22 - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 112

You deserved it 3 576

By turriblebday - 17/12/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 745

You deserved it 2 575

By Megan Snair - 01/09/2019 04:01

Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap. I woke up, still groggy from the nap, and walked over to the bathroom. Not only did I slip on the vomit, spreading it all over the floor and myself, I think I somehow broke a toe in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 174

By that one anon - 07/05/2015 06:27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 880

You deserved it 2 526

By galen - 03/06/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 888

You deserved it 27 657

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving that I was denied. About 15 minutes later, I overheard the person that denied my request talking with another agent, who put their request in today, that they were granted the holiday off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 818

You deserved it 2 125

By soconfused - 03/03/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 274

You deserved it 11 480

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By Anonymous - 28/06/2014 01:02 - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 842

You deserved it 10 699

By yikesss - 23/10/2018 03:00

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 815

You deserved it 419

By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 030

You deserved it 2 913

By Anonymous - 22/05/2017 12:00

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 4 469

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Kobe1Kenobi 3

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:00

Your moms a quack

energizerbunny23 18

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:55

That sucks, try getting prescribed something from your doctor.

energizerbunny23 18

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:55

That sucks, try getting prescribed something from your doctor.

BootheGhost 6

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 13:25

Don't worry, Aflac will give him the money he needs.

cakefete2 30

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:42

If not the whole amount, they should be able to give OP a de-duck-tion of the total cost.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 20:15

Idk what's worse, sounding like Gilbert Godfried, the parrot from Alladin, or Ben Stein, Ferris Beuller's day off...

Brilliant66star 17

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:56

Feel better soon..!

Kobe1Kenobi 3

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:00

Your moms a quack

ktmla 14

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:09

Allergies ducking suck. Sorry OP!

cakefete2 30

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:48

These puns are starting to leave a fowl taste in my mouth.

megstiel 16

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 22:50

Webbed feet

megstiel 16

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 22:55

I'm sorry I just wanted to feel apart of something.

maxhhh 18

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:01

Aren't allergies a quack?

PattonGilette2 18

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:04

9echo 17

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:56

OP should see visit a physician if it's that serious...just hope his doctor isn't a quack!

JMichael 25

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:17

At least it's better than sounding like Pee Wee Herman right?

silvercamaro 22

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:18

Maybe you could replace the voice of the guy who got fired from Aflac until you get better?

brandoneyez1 25

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:18

Hot shower and steam can help clear it up.

Adam5858 17

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:36

Good for prank calling.....there is always a positive

DylanHasClass 17

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 13:04

Oh SNAP! For some reason that fml made me laugh hard

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 365

You deserved it 73

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 86

Rush hour

Anthony Fantano over here

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