Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my...

By cc13799 - 28/5/2014 00:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

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Health

The best cat

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By Sarah-grace - 17/5/2016 22:20 - United States - Benton

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

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By left-out - 17/2/2013 07:38 - United States

Today, my sister posted on her Facebook that she hates moving because of all of the packing that she and my family have to do. I didn't even know we're moving. FML

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

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By tb351 - 28/5/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By TheOtherWoman - 18/1/2013 17:21 - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

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By dumbfounded - 8/5/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

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By boudinette - 15/4/2015 10:14 - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

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By gerligrl97 - 12/6/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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By yelyah - 29/3/2012 16:19 - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By funny? - 6/9/2016 04:43 - United States - Cupertino

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home I realized I'd put it in my other binder. FML

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By danonno - 2/8/2012 21:08 - Canada - Nelson

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2019 22:04

Today, I just got back from a party, where I spent most of the night comforting the girl I like. Why? Because the guy she likes was being grinded on by another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 20:51 - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

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By seriouslywtf - 28/4/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

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By notfunny - 9/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 00:01

Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML

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By Mmm - 25/7/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By ultraattitude - 22/4/2012 07:01 - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

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By purple - 24/3/2012 05:30 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

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By untitledentity - 24/5/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

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By who_cares - 9/7/2015 11:20 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 15:14

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By to_complicated_4_u - 4/5/2015 16:28 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By GD - 21/2/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

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By cl512 - 18/9/2009 13:33 - United States

Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

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By Garry - 4/3/2010 12:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

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By A.Summers - 30/9/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 16/10/2013 00:38 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By TimeForANewJob - 16/1/2017 17:47

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

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By pyrogypsy - 24/10/2014 01:05 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By life_sucks - 16/1/2010 18:46 - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

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By jwolt92 - 25/10/2016 02:27 - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

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Top comments

By Kobe1Kenobi | 3

#5958553 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:00

Your moms a quack

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#5958547 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:55

That sucks, try getting prescribed something from your doctor.

Comments

By energizerbunny23 | 18

#5958547 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:55

That sucks, try getting prescribed something from your doctor.

BootheGhost | 6

#5958607 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 13:25

Don't worry, Aflac will give him the money he needs.

cakefete2 | 30

#5958684 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:42

If not the whole amount, they should be able to give OP a de-duck-tion of the total cost.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5958941 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 20:15

Idk what's worse, sounding like Gilbert Godfried, the parrot from Alladin, or Ben Stein, Ferris Beuller's day off...

By Brilliant66star | 17

#5958548 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 11:56

Feel better soon..!

By Kobe1Kenobi | 3

#5958553 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:00

Your moms a quack

ktmla | 14

#5958667 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:09

Allergies ducking suck. Sorry OP!

cakefete2 | 30

#5958690 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:48

These puns are starting to leave a fowl taste in my mouth.

megstiel | 16

#5959055 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 22:50

Webbed feet

megstiel | 16

#5959059 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 22:55

I'm sorry I just wanted to feel apart of something.

By maxhhh | 18

#5958555 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:01

Aren't allergies a quack?

By PattonGilette2 | 18

#5958563 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:04

9echo | 17

#5958693 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 15:56

OP should see visit a physician if it's that serious...just hope his doctor isn't a quack!

By JMichael | 25

#5958571 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:17

At least it's better than sounding like Pee Wee Herman right?

By silvercamaro | 21

#5958572 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:18

Maybe you could replace the voice of the guy who got fired from Aflac until you get better?

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5958573 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:18

Hot shower and steam can help clear it up.

By Adam5858 | 17

#5958582 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 12:36

Good for prank calling.....there is always a positive

By DylanHasClass | 17

#5958593 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 13:04

Oh SNAP! For some reason that fml made me laugh hard