Health and School: Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my...

By ___Ruby_____

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

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Messed up

Jonah begs to differ

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

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By boo! - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

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By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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By sleepyt127 - United States

Today, after leaving a bar I fell asleep on the Q train heading home. I awoke at 5am in Coney Island, end of the line, to a cop poking me with his baton. He gave me a ticket for "Subway Vagrancy" even though I have a job and an apartment. He didn't ticket the homeless man next to me covered in piss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

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By yonanon - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML

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By -__- - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By Dino - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

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By MadMax - United States

Today, my friend awoke me because I was talking in my sleep. When I asked her what I was talking about she replied with, "Let's just say you were having tea with the Queen of England. And a duck. You're really good at quacking." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:59 - Canada - Regina

Stuck

Today, I found out that I'm not getting a new position I applied for at my company. Now, I have to continue working for my boss, who recently severely criticized my spelling in my reports, only they weren't my reports, and when I pointed this out, she simply never responded. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By owmyhead - South Africa

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

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By queen_lol - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

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By Sonofa - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I, a man in his 40s, had to be taken to the hospital because I was laughing so hard at an old Disney movie that my diaphragm went into spasms. I stopped breathing and passed out for a few minutes and my son had to call an ambulance. FML

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By fox_at_heart - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

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By Oops54321 - France

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

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By KrazyKill - Canada

Today, I faked being sick so I could weasel out of a chemistry test at school. Happy that I pulled it off, I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. I forgot that I'm friends with my parents. FML

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By tattooed - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

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By - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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By sleepylillion - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

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By scottishoatmeal - United Kingdom - Auchterarder

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

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By Melie-Melo - United Kingdom

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

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By branwen5 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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By Jjh99q - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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By Broke as hell

Hangry

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

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By zevil - Peru

Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression, I spend a lot of time getting ready and by the time I get to the place we were supposed to meet she isn't there anymore. I call her to see where she is. She's in bed with another guy and says "I was REALLY waiting for you". FML

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By Murphy

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

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By Jack Slate - 12/12/2020 11:02

Leave me alone!

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

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By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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Top comments

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7705524 - Monday 8 October 2018 13:03

Hope you’re oaky.

By TheBigSneeze | 22

#7705533 - Monday 8 October 2018 13:27

oh he will be fine, he'll just need to log that in.

COMMENTS

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7705524 - Monday 8 October 2018 13:03

Hope you’re oaky.

TheBigSneeze | 22

#7705533 - Monday 8 October 2018 13:27

oh he will be fine, he'll just need to log that in.

Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7705538 - Monday 8 October 2018 13:37

Fuck that was beautiful

By Yudith | 20

#7705594 - Monday 8 October 2018 15:47

Take a selfie. You will need it when you come back from your doctor's appointment to get the stitches you obviously need and the dimwit forgets to give you your doctor's note.