By Mr. Unlucky - 27/5/2018 19:30 - United States - Woodbridge

Anti-Dad

Today, after suffering a severe brain injury and receiving a large amount of money from the lawsuit for physical and mental rehab, I found out that my dad stole it all and spent it on himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4988

You deserved it

222

Favorite

Money

Health

Dad jokes, part 43884

Nice neighborhood

Vultures

By Rajin - 23/3/2009 20:38 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

125550

You deserved it

16818

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36313

You deserved it

5366

Favorite

By GidleyWife - 30/7/2015 17:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25268

You deserved it

2367

Favorite

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2016 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24159

You deserved it

2842

Favorite

By BathroomMuch - 25/12/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36741

You deserved it

7690

Favorite

By Kali - 4/3/2015 00:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. They spent five minutes explaining job duties and I listened with anticipation. Then they spent five minutes explaining why I wasn't the right person for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31012

You deserved it

2272

Favorite

By RAHrahRAH - 15/1/2010 02:07 - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34294

You deserved it

2364

Favorite

By diapersplease - 7/6/2015 01:17 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28297

You deserved it

2692

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/2/2013 22:13 - Romania - Cluj-napoca

Today, I asked my bosses for three weeks off in July to go on a much-needed vacation. Their response was to fire me on the spot. My bosses are my aunt and uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35976

You deserved it

4019

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40762

You deserved it

27599

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29267

You deserved it

3948

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24004

You deserved it

3873

Favorite

By - 17/11/2019 18:00

I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2958

You deserved it

182

Favorite

By brittaneejanex - 2/6/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36612

You deserved it

4573

Favorite

By thecaptainmorgan - 12/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35068

You deserved it

3100

Favorite

By killjoyx - 23/7/2015 18:28 - United States - Suffolk

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23701

You deserved it

3136

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43799

You deserved it

5342

Favorite

By avocadopurse - 9/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4754

You deserved it

232

Favorite

By Chakkamofo - 1/2/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card saying "You made it to 36!". It's my 35th birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31891

You deserved it

2433

Favorite

By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37784

You deserved it

3222

Favorite

By embarassed_chick - 24/8/2009 19:59 - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57556

You deserved it

4754

Favorite

By Tori - 16/2/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32206

You deserved it

4989

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/4/2013 04:07 - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51090

You deserved it

3262

Favorite

By ShameMonkey - 27/9/2016 10:15 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11109

You deserved it

1934

Favorite

By DeepFriedLettuce - 29/4/2016 01:33 - United States - Vashon

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13329

You deserved it

1501

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77795

You deserved it

5339

Favorite

By Shut up loser! - 2/12/2019 03:00

Not her fault neither mine

Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4259

You deserved it

432

Favorite

By oxbonxo - 7/2/2011 08:38 - Australia

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26484

You deserved it

6138

Favorite

By karmaquestionmark - 20/11/2012 02:04 - United States - Silverton

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18047

You deserved it

36700

Favorite

By Annie - 1/11/2018 22:15

Today, the CEO of my company told me the only reason I'm being sent to this huge tech conference is because the company will look better with a girl there. I'm expected to stay out until 4am with creepy rich business partners to stroke their egos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3162

You deserved it

227

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 17:00

White line fever

Today, I've been using a lot of Flonase recently for my stuffy nose, and my 4 year-old happens to call it "mommy's special nose medicine" out loud all the time. My neighbors now think I do cocaine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1505

You deserved it

197

Favorite

By jobless1 - 5/7/2015 04:04

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27406

You deserved it

2092

Favorite

By Zoo - 7/5/2019 14:00

Today, I went to therapy. Previously, I had been given the task to write a list of things I hate about myself so my doctor could see what we needed to work on. I gave her the list, and she simply said, "Wow, I've never had someone give me such a long list." I had 55 items on the list. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1703

You deserved it

221

Favorite

By nobleach - 2/7/2009 14:05 - United States

Today, I decided I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40469

You deserved it

13903

Favorite

By Instacreep - 20/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2095

You deserved it

4309

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/6/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70670

You deserved it

7333

Favorite

By Nottheprettylady - 5/4/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68738

You deserved it

3789

Favorite

By dedeanne08 - 12/12/2016 01:18 - United States - Newark

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8487

You deserved it

571

Favorite

By Wheel chair bound - 16/12/2016 21:14 - United States - Marion

Today, I received the good news that my spine looks normal. Either the degenerative disc that was diagnosed 5 years prior magically healed, or my current doctor is an idiot. Considering that it's felt like someone is chiseling into my spine for some days, I'm leaning toward the latter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8324

You deserved it

569

Favorite

By has an old monitor - 5/12/2014 14:00 - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33794

You deserved it

3218

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7630185 - Thursday 3 May 2018 15:52

Time for a second lawsuit, and possibly a felony charge.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7639995 - Monday 28 May 2018 2:06

Your father is a horrid monster!

Comments

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7630185 - Thursday 3 May 2018 15:52

Time for a second lawsuit, and possibly a felony charge.

chyiochan | 30

#7639997 - Monday 28 May 2018 2:08

100% this! The only thing is, if he's a child living with the parent, and the child is not technically an adult, it may be a bit of a tough battle. I hope you get it all set OP. That's absolutely terrible.

By White Trash | 10

#7630305 - Thursday 3 May 2018 20:34

"Heyyy what are kids for..."

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7639995 - Monday 28 May 2018 2:06

Your father is a horrid monster!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7640000 - Monday 28 May 2018 2:23

Kill him and you’ll inherit it all back. And they can’t charge you with murder because you’ve got brain damage. It’s a perfect plan!

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7640016 - Monday 28 May 2018 4:30

Depends on what he spent it on. A house? Good. Vacations, hookers, and drugs? Bad.

By Agent JPN | 9

#7640011 - Monday 28 May 2018 4:14

OK, now you need to have an "accident" befall your father which causes him brain damage, and then he can sue and collect a ton of money which you can then steal and then... oh wait.... hmmmm

By weeping_willow | 24

#7640018 - Monday 28 May 2018 4:42

Isn’t there legal action you can take in this situation?

By Alex_7759 | 13

#7640026 - Monday 28 May 2018 5:39

Seems like something my dad would do tbh

By Lobby_Bee | 16

#7640064 - Monday 28 May 2018 8:10

"children are not responsible enough to manage their own money" - Definition of irony

By Takegami | 22

#7640142 - Monday 28 May 2018 11:59

But that’s theft! You need a way to get your money back OP

By Lollerskates | 13

#7640144 - Monday 28 May 2018 12:00

Time to start a new law suit. Why shouldn't you when he obviously didn't care about you?