Money: Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the...

By Julia - 26/02/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 448

You deserved it 1 975

Money

This Charming Man

Hope there's no dancing involved

Masterchef

By ydahs - 08/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 708

You deserved it 19 567

By Sodge - 15/05/2009 10:20 - Australia

Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 372

You deserved it 45 072

By Lyingboyfriend - 24/07/2009 05:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he couldn't come to my grandfather's funeral because he was at his cottage and couldn't make it. Later that day, when driving home from the graveyard I saw him walking down the street, with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 633

You deserved it 3 330

By Noname - 15/03/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 103

You deserved it 79 029

By annoying - 10/01/2012 01:30 - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 151

You deserved it 22 518

A good shower

By headache - 26/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I was taking a shower when the water suddenly went cold. It spooked me so much I slipped and hit my head on the metal edge of the tub. My husband then said that I had the best Christmas gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 225

By WTTFFFF - 09/05/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 744

You deserved it 4 729

By Anonymous - 11/03/2018 15:00

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 276

You deserved it 836

By Nezje - 08/08/2018 18:30

Today, I didn't get my driver's license even though I didn't make any mistakes because my examiner said it was only my first time taking the exam, so it wouldn't matter if I failed. Now I have to pay another €240 for a second exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 694

You deserved it 156

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 16/06/2020 02:02

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 225

By christous - 22/11/2008 04:42 - France

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 445

You deserved it 4 948

By Playaaa - 14/11/2015 22:08 - United States - Hollister

Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 383

You deserved it 28 515

By language barriers - 12/02/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 157

You deserved it 5 191

By ManchotDesAndes - 26/02/2015 07:35 - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 247

You deserved it 11 121

By BLAH - 14/02/2012 14:42 - Philippines

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 558

You deserved it 2 333

By Anonymous - 05/06/2019 14:06

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 415

You deserved it 262

No rest for the wicked

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 02:00

Today, our youngest daughter bought her first house and moved out, meaning all three of our kids are now gone, so we can relax and gracefully grow old together, right? Nope. Barely an hour later, my wife showed me a positive pregnancy test. In nine months we have to start all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 847

By Me - 12/09/2011 07:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 265

You deserved it 2 478

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 181

You deserved it 67 031

By davav74 - 15/06/2012 23:31 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 591

You deserved it 1 927

By Noname - 10/03/2009 15:46 - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 210

You deserved it 69 441

By boobs are for baby - 05/06/2018 11:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 917

You deserved it 1 050

By failureatlife - 27/04/2014 19:16 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 302

You deserved it 6 163

By tatortot7707 - 13/01/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 919

You deserved it 3 798

By lovelikewoe - 11/07/2010 01:00 - United States

Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 597

You deserved it 5 377

Marriage story

By collegekid - 17/05/2020 14:00

Today, after 25 years of marriage, my parents decided to get a very nasty and extremely expensive divorce. Using my college tuition to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 147

By badessaymyass - 17/04/2014 19:59 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 020

You deserved it 4 573

By MarkQ95 - 21/07/2013 23:58 - Ireland

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 801

You deserved it 59 596

By Bob - 21/01/2010 13:33 - Canada

Today, I'm a cashier in a grocery store. The visiting regional manager tore me a new one for being lazy. His reason? After working a double shift with no break, I decided to sit down for a minute when things got slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 803

You deserved it 2 731

By ... - 12/02/2019 18:00

Today, I finally had an interview for my dream job. It was all going great until I started chuckling uncontrollably, snorted like a pig and hit the guy with the world's largest snot rocket. All I could do was slip out the door as he sat paralysed with shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 271

You deserved it 512

By Sad elf - 15/12/2016 13:42 - Australia - Brookfield

Today, after weeks of tirelessly organising a Secret Santa with work colleagues, we finally exchanged gifts. I got a stapler, which had been stolen from my desk the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 840

You deserved it 647

Alas, poor Mickey

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 14:00

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into it, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 336

You deserved it 210

Not a cheating!

By Notcheating - 03/12/2019 18:00

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 082

You deserved it 454

By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 09/05/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 649

You deserved it 648

By Eet- - 13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 123

You deserved it 4 229

By livinproof - 10/12/2018 13:30

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 537

You deserved it 304

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 104

You deserved it 3 130

Time for a BBQ

By Anonymous - 17/05/2019 13:59

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 190

Going medieval

By hurley - 27/02/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 987

You deserved it 9 910

Sampled

By zachhewett - 02/02/2016 22:53 - United States - Birmingham

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 994

You deserved it 2 794

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Top comments

Anonnamus 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:01

Ouch. How did she even get access?

lettertjes 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:10

Wow that sucks. I don't think anyone can truly think that you deserved this.

Anonnamus 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:01

Ouch. How did she even get access?

BobTheSnail 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:03

you should call the police or at the very least track her down and throw your shoe at her.

AnaujiraM420 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:08

@ 1....ftw...way to misspell annoymous [email protected] would most def call the police and have that bitch thrown in jail!!!

AnaujiraM420 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:09

LMAO...I guess I just took the win on that last post for also misspelling it...damn huge cracks in my f-ing screen

ey3seecold 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:19

find her be nice to her borrow her car visit a chop shop !! solution to the prob solved go gettem!!!

bebz_fml 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:04

kick her

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:15

If she was never removed from the account, there's not much the police can do. If she is not on the account, the bank may be responsible and could be held liable.

Ouroboros_fml 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 15:01

sell her organs on the black market she should be fine with one kidney and half a liver. tell her if she touches your money again you'll come back for the other half in a note scrawled in her own blood on the bathroom wall next to the bathtub full of ice you leave her in. trust me, it works wonders!

harryman04 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 15:23

@23 WTF? @op that blows man I'm really sorry. have the bitch thrown in jail.

Koolnoob729 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 21:09

I was about to call you an idiot for trying to correct the guy who spelled anonymous wrong, but then I realized that you knew of your mistake

baby_val 0

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Saturday 27 February 2010 7:04

haha the shoe part is wht I would do

shaubygal 11

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Friday 14 October 2011 5:53

sue that bitch for all she's worth!!

lexa1love 16

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Tuesday 4 December 2012 0:22

She probably isn't worth much if she's stealing from her kids account.

ilovebradiew 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:03

bitttttttch ): mother;s can be mean

brownlace 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:07

sorry bitch

lettertjes 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:10

Wow that sucks. I don't think anyone can truly think that you deserved this.

Luckster 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:07

Don't worry, a lotta people will say OP deserves it for being a spoiled rotten little shit and not working for their own money and expecting everything to be handed over to them. It's all the same in these types of FMLs.

Anonnamus 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:21

I hope those same idiots take into consideration the fact that the father probably worked his ass off to provide a good life for his daughter. Even if their twisted minds could possibly think that the OP deserved it, the father sure as hell doesn't.

trizzieb 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 15:24

You deseve it for having been born.

Vitamin_C 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 22:34

#13, I don;t understand why it's a bad thing for parents to want to help their kids.. It doesn't make them irresponsible entitled shits, it just means they get to start life with less debt.. I've been working since I was 16 - but my parents paid half my university tuition and I took loans out for the rest. My dad is insisting on paying for my second grad degree, not because I'm spoilt but because he wants to help.. People really need to re-evaluate the concept of belonging to a supportive family.

MrMaD_fml 2

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:13

Fuck your mother.

fits138 0

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Friday 26 February 2010 12:39

sounds like it's time for a cunt punt...

fits138 0

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Saturday 27 February 2010 9:25

I don't neccesarily deserve one...? but she does. most def.

MrMaD_fml 2

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:11

"f" your mom (censorship: lame) >:o

Chocolate_Chunk 2

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Thursday 27 May 2010 16:18

fuck?

orph_the_d 5

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:47

You are a far better person than me OP cuz my mom would be one effed up bitch when I hunted her down. FYL

redBuddhist 5

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Friday 26 February 2010 13:59

I'm so sorry to hear your suck thing,you're so unfortunately...but in china,all of the people are conviced that man should get money by their own hands,it means people shouldn't rely on their parents but believe theirself can access to success...so maybe your suck thing would become a gift,which the god gives.

Domonator 16

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Friday 26 February 2010 15:43

Happy to hear from someone in China. I know that in the East, it's the child's duty to care for their parents when they get older. For some people in the West, the parents do whatever they can to help their children, even later in life. I am happy when people help each other, either way. I like your idea to think about the loss of the money as a chance for improvement.