Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped...

By NowBubbleWrapSucks

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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Kids

Health

The opposite of a good idea

Thanks for the miracle

Freak out

By Sir Anon - United States - Champlin

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

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By Ham - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the 2nd time. FML

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By Invisible - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By carolinagirl - United States

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

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By minnie - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running the register at my work and this big lady pulls her wad of cash out of her bra and hands it to me. The bills she handed me were moist. FML

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By whinywiper - Canada

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Slidell

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

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By biggs sprhro - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML

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By unlolable4321 - United States

Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Statham

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

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By pritch44 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

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By how the fuck did this happen?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

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By cbarr98 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By hippie88 - United States - New York

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, I figured out why I've used triple the amount of cellphone minutes than I usually do over the past month since moving out. Is it because I suddenly have a social life now that I'm living on my own? No. All those calls were made to my mom because I'm lonely. FML

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By miewann - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By Irony - United States

Today, my dad took a call while driving. He always yells and curses at people who talk on their cell while driving. I asked him to get off the phone because it's dangerous, and told him he's being a hypocrite. He shook his head at me and continued talking. Seconds later, we got into an accident. FML

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By ToddesPizza - United States - Coos Bay

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

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By whatthefuck - United States - Providence

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

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By Anonymous

Misunderstanding

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

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By gnofin - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

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By AndI'veHadChildren - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

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By greatdriver...4 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife informed me that she wants a boyfriend but doesn't want a divorce. Also, apparently I'm horrible for not "respecting her feelings" when I told her she can't have both. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

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By ksmith - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

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By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

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By elovan - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chatting with a cute guy on Omegle. He seemed really friendly and interested after I had showed him a picture of me. When I mentioned that I play music, he seemed even more interested, so I gave him the link to my music Myspace. I waited patiently. He disconnected. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

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By vargasm - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By GhettoBeast - New Zealand

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

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Top comments

By interesting33 | 36

#7619679 - Friday 6 April 2018 13:24

this sounds slippery and dangerous. And an extreme reaction. Is your mum ok?

By Sinshine | 27

#7639956 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:31

Hope you already made an appointment with the psychiatrist for her.

COMMENTS

By interesting33 | 36

#7619679 - Friday 6 April 2018 13:24

this sounds slippery and dangerous. And an extreme reaction. Is your mum ok?

jwade11 | 12

#7643852 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 19:15

it's kinda random.. or has she done extreme stuff like this in the past?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7639937 - Sunday 27 May 2018 21:42

does she not realise plastic gathers up dirt at well, or is she just trying to keep dirt away from the furniture?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7639944 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:00

On the plus side, all that squeaking will cover up the noise from the mice and rats.

eyepuppy | 31

#7639993 - Monday 28 May 2018 1:42

Stop. Just stop.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7639955 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:30

Sheila?

By Sinshine | 27

#7639956 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:31

Hope you already made an appointment with the psychiatrist for her.

thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7639979 - Monday 28 May 2018 0:51

My question too. maybe she's going retro

By acmariner99 | 23

#7639961 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:43

Um ... that ain’t normal

By tranced_ | 44

#7639970 - Sunday 27 May 2018 23:41

Why do you put up with her .. Tell her she's being too paranoid.. Help her out, looks like she needs your support!

By dexter420 | 21

#7640007 - Monday 28 May 2018 3:49

She’s planning on killing someone

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7640025 - Monday 28 May 2018 5:38

I wanna see pictures!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7640065 - Monday 28 May 2018 8:12

What's her plan? To remove and throw away the siran wrap every time it gets dusty?