Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped...

By NowBubbleWrapSucks - 27/5/2018 20:30

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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Kids

Health

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Yappy neighborhood

Night terrors

By tillyg15 - 2/5/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

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By ihateoldmagazines - 27/1/2011 21:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

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By Enko - 9/11/2008 07:43 - France

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on she starts telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stops and says « Actually I don’t know why I’m telling you this, after all you don’t have a boyfriend! » and walks away. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 23:08

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By Jonnyboo - 29/8/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2014 09:34 - Australia

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 00:01

Halloween has started early

Today, while walking down the street, I was violently beaten up by a man in a Darth Vader outfit. FML

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By skreweduP - 15/6/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

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By Former Professor - 21/7/2019 22:00

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By Nextman - 14/6/2019 06:24

Today, my coworker, who is constantly singing "Baby Shark," wanted to take selfie for her Instagram account. She moved all the junk from her desk to mine, so her desk would look great in the picture. FML

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By wannadi - 3/3/2013 09:29 - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2013 08:27 - New Zealand - Wainuiomata

Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML

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By dumped - 22/6/2019 01:18 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

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By bad blood, no shit - 3/12/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By el211 - 15/3/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2013 04:41 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - 23/12/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2016 14:28 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

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By Singleforever - 8/8/2016 12:40 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By wvugirl - 19/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By mr_cheese - 22/10/2014 20:24 - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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By Xbieblette51 - 19/8/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

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By RAHrahRAH - 15/1/2010 02:07 - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

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By slayerdeath - 20/5/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By mongoosemike - 7/6/2011 05:55

Today, I walked downstairs, made a bowl of hot cereal, and held a full conversation with my brother's girlfriend, before I finally put two and two together and realized I hadn't put any pants on. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - 24/4/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By pinkplasticjesus - 20/6/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

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By Msrebound - 21/12/2017 19:00

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

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By good-samaritan-fail - 6/10/2009 15:56 - Australia

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

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By Proof-Reader - 15/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was lying on the couch with my boyfriend and was feeling tired, so I got a soda. I sat back down and surprised him with a passionate kiss. I also surprised him when I suddenly burped right into his mouth. FML

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By SMV - 11/11/2008 06:53 - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 07:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By Daughter of the year - 11/3/2015 00:19 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

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Top comments

By interesting33 | 36

#7619679 - Friday 6 April 2018 13:24

this sounds slippery and dangerous. And an extreme reaction. Is your mum ok?

By Sinshine | 27

#7639956 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:31

Hope you already made an appointment with the psychiatrist for her.

COMMENTS

By interesting33 | 36

#7619679 - Friday 6 April 2018 13:24

this sounds slippery and dangerous. And an extreme reaction. Is your mum ok?

jwade11 | 12

#7643852 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 19:15

it's kinda random.. or has she done extreme stuff like this in the past?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7639937 - Sunday 27 May 2018 21:42

does she not realise plastic gathers up dirt at well, or is she just trying to keep dirt away from the furniture?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7639944 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:00

On the plus side, all that squeaking will cover up the noise from the mice and rats.

eyepuppy | 31

#7639993 - Monday 28 May 2018 1:42

Stop. Just stop.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7639955 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:30

Sheila?

By Sinshine | 27

#7639956 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:31

Hope you already made an appointment with the psychiatrist for her.

thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7639979 - Monday 28 May 2018 0:51

My question too. maybe she's going retro

By acmariner99 | 23

#7639961 - Sunday 27 May 2018 22:43

Um ... that ain’t normal

By tranced_ | 43

#7639970 - Sunday 27 May 2018 23:41

Why do you put up with her .. Tell her she's being too paranoid.. Help her out, looks like she needs your support!

By dexter420 | 21

#7640007 - Monday 28 May 2018 3:49

She’s planning on killing someone

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7640025 - Monday 28 May 2018 5:38

I wanna see pictures!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7640065 - Monday 28 May 2018 8:12

What's her plan? To remove and throw away the siran wrap every time it gets dusty?