andinpublictoo
Well shit…
Today, and for the first time in my life, I was unable to trust a fart. FML
Tori
🌶️ Spicy
Smash face
Today, I remembered to show some customers at work photos of my cat that I had taken recently, and they love my "flat face" cat. All good, until I scrolled to a whole body nude I had taken to send to my boyfriend. I showed it to an entire family during my breakfast rush. FML
Anonymous
Panic! At the Door Handle
Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He immediately had a massive panic attack about how a kid is going to ruin his life and split us up, because obviously I’ll choose the baby over him. We’re now in hospital because he hyperventilated, passed out and fractured his skull on the door handle. FML
Anonymous
Jamshedpur, India
Doug E. Not So Fresh
Today, I was trying to learn beatboxing. As soon as I started trying it out, my grandmother started slapping my back, and mom came in running with a glass of water. Both of them thought I was choking to death. I can't beatbox to save my life. FML
Braden
Ghost
Today, I texted the guy I went out with last night. He'd told me he’d text me when he got home, but he never did. Cracking a joke, I asked him if he was homeless or something, since he broke his word. He replied, “No, I’m just not that into you. Have a nice life.” FML
Tia
**** those dudes
Today, my Tinder date said it wasn’t gonna work, all because, I “need to lose some extra pounds.” Last week, I'd had another Tinder date and he told me he’d continue seeing me if I dropped at least 30 pounds. I think I get the hint now. FML
IHaveThePower
Ottawa, Canada
Tunnel vision
Today, after years of being an avid knitter and typing for a living, I got carpal tunnel syndrome… from my wrists flopping around too much while I'm driving. I live half an hour away from the nearest city. FML
FMyCountry
This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff
Which side are you on?
Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML
Anonymous
Nasty
Today, I had an interview to be a waitress. Afterwards, I had food in the restaurant, which is where I overheard my interviewer tell the manager he wasn’t going to bother hiring “that girl I just interviewed” because "her face is nasty and she’ll put the customers off their food." FML
charapos
Take it where you can
Today, I got called beautiful for the first time in forever. The lady who called me beautiful was herself very pretty and VERY drunk. FML
kate
Words is hard
Today, my seven year-old daughter called me a weirdo. When I yelled and grounded her, she cried and said she thought “weirdo” was a compliment. FML
Username
This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff
United States
Classy move
Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house, just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML
Hannah
Anger issues
Today, without context, I overheard my daughter saying that she would “literally rather have mercury poisoning than have her mother yell at her one more time.” She’s 24. FML
Anonymous
United States
My FP
Today, it's been a week since the last time I talked to the person I care about the most. We've been fighting for 2 months and he hasn't even opened the last message I sent him. I went completely radio silent as part of a bet, because others are convinced that he'll miss me. I don't think he's noticed. FML
Sara Harms
When you gotta go, you gotta go
Today, as the kind person that I am, I let my friend use the washroom before me while I watched our shopping cart. I then found out that the stores closes the washroom at 5 pm, and since I didn’t know, I ended up walking 25 minutes to a gas station in the rain to use one. FML
ObiOneStillLonely
Too late
Today, I met my dream man. Intelligent, excellent conversationalist, similar spiritual beliefs, attractive and compassionate. He proposed to my best friend last week. She asked me to be maid of honour. FML
Anonymous
Bedford, United Kingdom
I can fix him
Today, my daughter must be punishing me for something. She's dating a boy who dropped out of high school to “escape the system” and yet loves collecting unemployment benefits, and refuses to read books because he hates not knowing what the characters really look like. FML
30goingon13
Proof
Today, my acne was so bad I got carded for a pack of lighters. I'm 30. FML
CSU Ramming
Chicago, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Creepypasta
Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML
sexualpopcorn
This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff
San Diego, United States
Old-timey expressions
Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said, "See ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I was calling her ugly. FML
tara, sadly
Motherly love
Today, I overheard my mother saying that if murder were legal, there would be absolutely no chance that I wouldn’t have been killed as a baby. FML
Anonymous
Unstable
Today, after three months of hooking up and talking about dating, the man I was supporting emotionally went back to his ex, who'd reduced the restraining order on him to a no abuse order so they could be together. He left me in his bed to go be with her. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff
Victoria, Canada 🌶️ Spicy
No kinkshaming, but come on…
Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML
ProjectDude
United States
Lazybones
Today, a group project for work was due. I honestly forgot about it and edited some words to make it seem like I worked on it. Did you know that Google Docs spreadsheet can track not only the changes made, but who made the changes? My colleagues were pissed. FML
Anonymous
Levittown, United States
Alexa, play "I Get Around" by The Beach Boys
Today, I went to the local street fair and ran into my boyfriend of five years. He was with his girlfriend of ten years. We both had no idea about each other. His family knew we both existed, and never said a word. FML
dotcomboy
This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff
United States
Awks…
Today, my boss asked me to call his new phone to make sure it's working. When his phone didn't ring, he looked at my phone to confirm I called him. My boss then saw that I'd entered him into my phonebook as "Douchebag." FML
Anonymous
Eau Claire, United States
Branded
Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, asking him pick me up for a cookout while his kids were yelling in the background, asking where my friend, their dad, was going. He jokingly answered them, "To pick up my ugly friend." They quickly replied with my name, out of the dozens of friends he hangs out more with. FML
Dan
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Just say no
Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML
Fuck you, Yolanda!
Renegade neighbor
Today, I have an egregious delinquent neighbor. She is always using internet and electrical services illegally, but is always getting packages from Amazon. Her packages are always left at my place, as she is so afraid of tax collectors, she won't open the door. She gave my billing address without my consent. FML
Anonymous
But mah grandbabiiiiiiiiez
Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML