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The all-time greatest FMLs

Enlightened centrism

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 20:01

Today, I asked my right-of-center best friend what exactly he hates about Critical Race Theory. His only coherent answer was, “It’s too critical!” This is my son’s godfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 475

Funday is canceled

By Anonymous - 04/12/2022 16:00

Today, I’m currently battling a cold that caused me to call into work yesterday and, as of this morning, I’ve also started my period and have the most painful cramps ever. Good thing I have the day off from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 135

Practice makes perfect

By Anonymous - 03/08/2024 13:00

Today, my girlfriend decided to try swallowing instead of spitting. Now this was entirely her own idea, I never asked her to try, and yet when she gagged, vomited, and sneezed so it all came dribbling out of her nose, somehow it was all my fault because I’m "disgusting." I love you too, Sweetie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 173

Please, apologize

By Tytonic - 03/02/2020 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 2 137

Slipping up

By Drai Gray - 24/06/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally called her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister, and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 3 758

Don't stare

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 01:00 - Ethiopia

Today, after I spaced out for 3 minutes, the guy in front of me asked if I was interested in him. I replied that I'm not gay. It turns out "he" was a woman, not a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 328

Overdoing it?

By Toe man - 14/02/2022 03:00 - South Africa - Kimberley

Today, on the third day after I developed what I thought was gout for the first time in my 62 years, it turns out it was just a spider bite on my toe. My wife still thinks I had been drinking on the sly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 112

It's called a calendar

By Anonymous - 19/05/2021 17:31 - India - Mumbai

Today, it was my first day at my first job, I got up early, got ready, waited an hour for HR to call. I called them instead and they didn't answer, so I wrote an email to the partners. It turns out I got the first day date wrong. Some first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 464

My king (is a dick)

By Anonyme - 11/08/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, my husband is so strict that even on the rare occasion I get to leave the house alone, I’m not allowed to speak to men in any capacity. I can’t even go through a line with a male cashier or male bank teller and I have pay at the pump in case a guy is working at the gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 305

Long eulogy

By Anonymous - 30/04/2022 12:00

Today, the minister at my grandpa's funeral had a speech impediment that made him stutter his R’s. My grandpa’s name was Robert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 89

Always Google things before accepting

By Anonymous - 29/11/2021 17:02

Today, after a coworker had invited me over for a "Mukbang" and I'd agreed, thinking it was just some sort of exotic delicacy, I found out that he expected me to eat like a million calories of food on camera for his YouTube channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 557

Ring of fire

By Anonymous - 20/08/2022 12:00

Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 293

In pain

By Khail Lozano - 02/04/2022 00:00

Today, I was making my bed and had an armload of pillows. One slipped and I tried to catch it between my arm and leg. I missed, sending my fist into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 266

Boozehounds

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 17:01

Today, my fiancé refused to talk to me because I'm "an alcoholic". I only started drinking like this after we moved in together and he brought me alcohol every day, because he's an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 374

The more you know

By Jeff - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 3 537

Check this out

By Anonymous - 03/06/2020 17:00

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 1 885

Alexa, play "Grounds for Divorce" by Elbow

By Anonymous - 16/07/2022 04:00

Today, I discovered a bunch of porn on my husband's laptop, cartoon stuff with rabbit girls and monsters with octopus tentacles, I felt physically sick and I don’t think I can stomach being married to him anymore. It was disgusting FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 2 925

I don't want to do this anymore…

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 08:01 - Italy

Today, I was in charge of my team at work but I asked for a demotion, because I was so stressed that I started having nightmares. I feel like everyone freaked out after quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 140

Classic mistake

By Katy - 14/02/2023 18:00

Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 383

Alexa, play "Do You Realize" by The Flaming Lips

By Anonymous - 22/10/2023 05:00

Today, a super cute girl at college approached me and I thought all my Christmases had come at once, until she said, “Do you realise someone has written 'Tiny Penis' on your forehead in black marker?” It must have been my brother while I was asleep last night. I’d been at college 4 hours FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 247

Definitely done that

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 04:00

Today, at work, I put my earphones in to listen to some music. An hour later, I realised I never pressed play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 1 203

Information pending

By Weary traveler - 20/05/2023 11:00 - Latvia

Today, I was sitting at an airport bar when my flight, which was only supposed to leave in an hour, showed up as "Final call for boarding." I ran through the airport, only to find out they hadn't started boarding yet. Fucking Ryanair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 131

Or so you thought…

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 21:00 - United States - Kenton

Today, my mom called me by the wrong name. This isn't the first time. It wouldn't be so bad, except I'm her only kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 99

Lonely, so lonely

By Anonymous - 01/12/2020 05:02

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents, and the usual question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absentmindedly launched the usual dating app. I swiped completely dry with no matches, reminding myself that my entire city doesn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 1 115

My booze

By I-Love-My-Wife - 14/01/2021 10:56

Today, it's my wife's birthday. She also sleepwalks, sleep eats and sleep drinks. This morning, her subconscious remembered it was her birthday and wanted to celebrate in style. I found my $200 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue was missing 3". She doesn't remember drinking it. I'm so glad she enjoyed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 281

Not the brightest bulb

By Anonymous - 26/07/2023 03:00

Today, I found out that a female colleague thinks that because I got a vasectomy, I "got my balls chopped off." Then again, this woman also believes the cracks in her front brick fence are because her house is built on the equator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 113

Ow ow ow

By too much pain - 28/06/2023 10:00

Today, a few days after getting my nipples repierced, my man initiated sex. Normally, I love it when he's a little rough on my tits, and I guess he forgot about my not-entirely-healed nips. Let's just say sex ended REAL fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 485

Sneezy

By Karen - 19/10/2022 18:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I rang up a very rude customer. He was covered in cat hair and so were his reusable shopping bags. I’m very allergic to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 122

Boring

By Talentles.Bitch - 17/03/2023 06:00

Today, yet again I was made to feel how talentless and boring of a person I am. I have great academic achievements, making me one among the top 0.02% youth of my country, but am so uninteresting and introverted that people don't want to be friends with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 254

Intrusive thoughts

By Anonymous - 16/06/2022 14:00

Today, at a BBQ, my boyfriend's friend told us, “Oh, this reminds my of the time I got third degree burns on my dick.” He’s been trying to talk to me, and I keep thinking about it how it must look like Freddie Kruger's. I don’t know what I just agreed to help him with, but I’m sure it will be a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 298

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The Top

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 011

You deserved it 48 822

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 870

You deserved it 11 348

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 731

You deserved it 58 726

Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 450

You deserved it 8 920

Today, while at an amusement park my husband left me to walk with all of our friends because he said that I moved too slow. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 043

You deserved it 6 161

Today, I ran into a guy that I had gone on a few dates with 3 months ago and slept with him a few times, but then never heard from him again. When he looked at me, I went over and gave him a hug and said "Hey, how are you, Chris?". He hugged me back and said "Hey there cutie, what's your name?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 984

You deserved it 18 053