By hii - United States

You had to ask

Today, I was babysitting a one year-old. She'd just learned how to say yes, so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said, "Yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty. She looked at me and said, "NO." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66419

You deserved it

14633

Favorite

Kids

You tried

Spy vs. Spy

Ideal first date

By masterdisaster - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46693

You deserved it

19470

Favorite

By dammit33 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25712

You deserved it

8878

Favorite

By rattlingfloorboards - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Keep it down

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28078

You deserved it

3331

Favorite

By nazooer - United States

Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23318

You deserved it

3815

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31100

You deserved it

4342

Favorite

By malos - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25321

You deserved it

47472

Favorite

By AwwChute - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11993

You deserved it

32648

Favorite

By "wolfssb135"

Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3212

You deserved it

1011

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57788

You deserved it

29848

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63620

You deserved it

9062

Favorite

By raebay - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33820

You deserved it

8326

Favorite

By TallGal - United States - Tucson

Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24747

You deserved it

14234

Favorite

By Topher - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30940

You deserved it

6168

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15656

You deserved it

864

Favorite

By thatsfine - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64570

You deserved it

3255

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 14:01

Thanks, Shep

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1020

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By babygirllxo - Canada

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36466

You deserved it

7140

Favorite

By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2606

You deserved it

143

Favorite

By Help - United States

Keep it down

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31627

You deserved it

2492

Favorite

By Mel Cluze

Fire!

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1503

You deserved it

125

Favorite

By Anonymous

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

445

You deserved it

2411

Favorite

By RedLion23 - United Kingdom

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38171

You deserved it

2903

Favorite

By CaoiiBieber - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20197

You deserved it

38767

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "nope", and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32413

You deserved it

2773

Favorite

By ....... - United States

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

I agree, your life sucks

258347

You deserved it

42693

Favorite

By ShockedToDeath - 8/7/2021 02:01

Is this Woody Allen?

Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2103

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25048

You deserved it

4106

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35281

You deserved it

9703

Favorite

By ChestExploding - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49999

You deserved it

3250

Favorite

By lovethateuropeanblood - Japan - Osaka

Today, I enjoyed the soft caressing touch of the person I'm attracted to. It would have been even better if he weren't simply stroking my arm hair in amazement at its superior length and density. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33982

You deserved it

5049

Favorite

By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29501

You deserved it

4797

Favorite

By gspotter - Canada - Verdun

Today, I get to add spaghetti sauce to my rather extensive list of things that don't belong in a person's eye but that end up in mine anyway. Other items include molten cheese, rock salt, orange juice, chips of nail polish, cotton fibers, and firework ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31051

You deserved it

5005

Favorite

By quiet_screaming_ - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29001

You deserved it

8790

Favorite

By Hipnog - Czech Republic

Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22434

You deserved it

2673

Favorite

By suze44 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44742

You deserved it

5264

Favorite

By Imaman - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39766

You deserved it

4470

Favorite

By Anonymous

Reading comprehension

Today, one of my clients called me, saying that he received my email. When I asked what I could do for him, he replied, “Well, what does the email say?” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1226

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By I stink

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2274

You deserved it

209

Favorite

By broken - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59525

You deserved it

3815

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 20:03 - Australia

FML every way you look at it

Today, I had an enjoyable Tinder date, but I wasn't feeling any physical attraction because of her short hair. I let her know, to which she replied, "I don't like it either but growing it after chemo is a slow process." FML

I agree, your life sucks

404

You deserved it

3206

Favorite

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Top comments

By Amkii | 0

#10457 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:01

You were owned. By a baby. Fyl indeed.

By musicalmandi16 | 0

#10463 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:04

I see great potential in that baby.

COMMENTS

By Amkii | 0

#10457 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:01

You were owned. By a baby. Fyl indeed.

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1301498 - Thursday 26 August 2010 2:45

haha ydi for being selfish

Ilikethenamesam | 3

#2430480 - Friday 29 April 2011 22:16

I know, right!?

By musicalmandi16 | 0

#10463 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:04

I see great potential in that baby.

AskMyName_fml | 5

#5863928 - Thursday 20 February 2014 19:12

The babies of today will be the trolls of tomorrow. They can't help it; they were born that way.

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#10473 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:10

Ouch! Don't worry, she's just a baby.

By efemivida | 0

#10475 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:11

Maybe she thinks "yes" actually means "no." And visa versa!

By lovesdicks | 0

#10496 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:25

Well are you ugly? You know children that young don't know how to lie :(

By allie2590 | 30

#10511 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:34

Hahaha

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#10543 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:57

Out of the mouths of babes... come ZINGS!!!

By svm_invictvs | 0

#10552 - Monday 2 March 2009 3:03

Take solace in the fact that perhaps you taught her a new word ;)

By Edmund_Dantes | 0

#10563 - Monday 2 March 2009 3:21

Why are you seeking validation from a 1year old?

n8equalsd | 0

#792683 - Saturday 23 January 2010 6:43

I know. seriously, these FMLs get stupider than the stories on MLIA now.

Anthrophobia | 2

#1037551 - Sunday 20 June 2010 22:01

Exactly! The OP walked right into that one.

By Comodesi | 0

#10650 - Monday 2 March 2009 5:30

Either that kid will grow up to be a politician or one hell of a comedian...