Today, I bought a pack of peanuts to share with my partner and his 16 ear-old daughter, whom I'd just been introduced to. I asked him if I could eat his peanuts as well, since he wasn't eating them and, because my greedy mouth was stuffed with my own peanuts, it came out as, "Can I eat your penis?" FML
Today, I was at a restaurant and confidently ordered in what I thought was fluent French. The waiter stared at me for a second, then responded in perfect English, "Dude, this is an Italian restaurant." FML
Today, my parents found out that I separately convinced them not to get back together, and now they're not speaking to me. FML
Today, we have everything we can want: money, a house, two lovely kids, and great family relationships. My husband just asked for a divorce. He wants to blow all this up because we haven't had sex in over a decade, even though I gave him permission to masturbate to porn years ago. FML
Today, I wore noise-canceling headphones while cleaning my apartment. Apparently I'd been singing at the top of my lungs for nearly an hour, because my neighbor knocked on my door just to ask if everything was OK. FML
Today, I was emailing my department about a huge meeting we’re going to have. I was also emailing back and forth with another colleague about office gossip. I absentmindedly replied to the wrong email. I hit reply all to the meeting e-mail, saying that the new supervisor of X department was "so fucking retarded." FML
Today, while high, I accidentally sent a pizza to my ex-girlfriend's house instead of my apartment. She has a restraining order out on me. This is bad. FML
Today, I tried to prank my little brother by jumping out from behind a door to scare him. I ended up scaring myself when I caught a glimpse of my weirdly-lit reflection in a mirror mid-jump. FML
Today, I was watching our home security cameras from work when I saw my husband get home and grab a beer. I activated the camera microphone and told him to put it back and fold the laundry. He flipped off the camera, chugged the beer, and started jacking off on the living room sofa. FML
Today, my wife tried to prove that I don’t pay attention to anything related to the house by putting a decorative gnome on the table. When I mentioned it, she pointed out that she’d put over 25 gnomes all over the house for the past couple of weeks. I just noticed them today. FML
Today, I'm not showing any symptoms of Covid, despite visiting with a friend three days ago whose family tested positive yesterday, but my stepmom is still convinced I have it. I checked a Cleveland clinic website to prove I didn't have it, only to find out I could be asymptomatic for up to ten days after exposure. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught me using Tinder behind her back and now she wants to break up with me. I begged her to stay, but now we're kinda in between a friendship and a relationship. FML
Today, I finally got my boyfriend to watch one of my favorite TV shows. I was excitedly talking when he interrupted me and angrily said, "Can you stop with the fucking spoilers?" I then realized I'd spoiled half the show. He left to play video games. FML
Today, I left my headphones on the bus and didn't realize until I got home. I used the tracking app and saw they were moving around the city. I followed the location for half an hour before realizing the signal was coming from my own neighborhood because the headphones had been sitting in my backpack the entire time. FML
Today, after months of health problems and my boyfriend offering unsolicited advice that mostly boiled down to "eat meat, take vitamins", I finally followed his suggestions to prove that he was wrong. It's a week later and I feel better than I have in years. He's never going to let this go. FML
Today, I took my new dog to a hotel lobby to test his manners before travel. He sniffed politely, then sneezed a dramatic snot-spritz all over a wedding guest’s dress. She froze, then laughed nervously while I offered napkins like a panicked but well-meaning emergency worker. FML
Today, at the grocery store, I saw a woman rubbing her belly lovingly and said, “Aw, congratulations!” She replied, “On what?” There was no baby. Just bread. FML
Today, I tried to quietly tell my friend that our professor's pants' fly was down. Unfortunately, I underestimated how quiet the room would go. The entire class heard me whisper, “His dick’s gonna pop out!” The professor looked down, zipped up, and said, “Thank you, but… dream on.” FML
Today, I met my online date at a café. As soon as I walked in, I walked straight up to the wrong person, and launched into a 2-minute ramble about how excited I was to finally meet him. He just blinked and said, “I’m married.” My actual date was sitting right behind me, albeit a similar but not as good looking man. FML
Today, I’m pregnant with my boyfriend’s baby. He’s been saying he’s gonna leave his wife for the past 10 months, but there’s constant hemming and hawing. He wants me to get rid of the baby because, “I’ve already raised my own child for 19 years, I don’t got time for this.” I’m Catholic and don’t believe in abortion. FML
Today, my parents forced me to do chores. I worked extra slow to rebel against their tyranny. My dad then said I'm not allowed to get my learner's permit for another six months and took away my phone. FML
Today, a cop pulled me over and asked if I knew why. I panicked and blurted out, "Because I just killed someone?" He just stared at me in disbelief and said, "No, because your taillight's out. Should I be concerned?" FML
Today, I went to the grocery store and used the self-checkout for speed. Everything was going fine until I tried to weigh a watermelon. The machine beeped every time, but the price didn’t show up, just an error message. I tried to weigh it again and again, until an employee came over, sighed, and said, “That’s a cantaloupe, not a watermelon.” FML
Today, after filling fuel in my car, I drove off. The guy behind me left almost at the time. He was behind me, beeping his horn and flashing his lights. I pulled up alongside him at the lights and rolled down the window to ask him what the fuck his problem was. He promptly proceeded to tell me that my fuel cap was still open. FML
Today, before I could realise what I was doing, I replied-all to an email chain about a huge company issue, saying, "FFS, this is ridiculous and moronic, and so is upper management." I’m still employed, but everyone now avoids me like I’m radioactive. FML
Today, while looking for some self care, my cousin and I found a recipe for homemade face masks. We were vulnerable enough to try it and ended up with bright red faces instead. FML
Today, I tried to impress a girl in a bar with a magic trick. Instead of pulling a coin from behind her ear, I accidentally flicked her glasses straight into her pint of lager. She was far from impressed. FML
Today, my girlfriend freaked out because I tried to introduce her to me being a Little. Instead of hearing me out or trying to learn anything real about the lifestyle, she just called me a sick pervert because of all the bad crap people write about us online. FML
Today, I meant to send a spicy message to my partner, but sent it to my dad due to the Whatsapp conversations being next to each other on my computer screen, and me not paying attention due to being an idiot. My dad replied, “Uh... not sure I needed that mental image.” FML
Today, I went to pick up my laundry from the communal machines in my apartment building. When I got there, all my clothes were neatly folded on top of the dryer. I was impressed, until I realized half of the pile wasn’t mine. I'd been carrying someone else’s underwear up to my apartment. FML
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