Today, my smartwatch notified me that my heart rate spiked at the same time as my partner was getting me to listen to her favourite band's favorite song, and she took it as I sign that we must like the same music, and that we are so compatible. What she doesn't know is that I was checking my ex’s social media on the side. FML
Today, I started ordering food on Uber Eats, hoping to meet a cute delivery girl and start a conversation. I got deliveries from "Stacey", "Pamela", and "Julie." All three of them were men who spoke poor English. FML
Today, I wanted a Stranger Things flashlight, but I saw they were out of stock at Target so I ordered one on Mercari. The Target website later got more in, so I paid double the original price with shipping included. I’m done online shopping for myself. FML
Today, I renamed my home Wi-Fi to “PleaseTalkToMeSarah” to hint to my crush/neighbour. Later, I realized the whole apartment building could see it, and had worked out who it belonged to. Now strangers keep asking if Sarah had talked to me yet. She hasn’t. FML
Today, my girlfriend found the airtag I'd stuck under her car. The police were called and she kicked me out of her apartment. FML
Today, I realized how single I truly am when I blurted out "Yes!" as soon as the priest asked the bride, "Do you take this man…" The bride was my sister and you could hear a pin drop after I blurted it out before she had a chance to respond. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by jumping on his back for a piggyback ride. He wasn’t expecting it. We both ended up on the floor, and I owe him a new pair of glasses. FML
Today, I tried signing into one of my many food apps. After three hours, forty five minutes, and several emails with tech support, I realized that I had mixed up the emails I use for my Amazon and food accounts. FML
Today, I tried to sneak out of work 15 minutes early. Just as I reached the exit, the fire alarm went off. Everyone had to evacuate, and my manager spotted me standing outside with my backpack already on. There went my excuse… FML
Today, I was on a first date with a really nice guy and, of course, when there was an awkward silence, I started talking and realized too late that I was running through my usual complaints about my worthless baby daddies. He asked how many and I said three, and he left without a word. FML
Today, I posted a video about why men should never date a woman who has a bad relationship with her father. The first comment was from my ex saying, “Errm didn’t both your parents dump your ass in foster care?” It got more than a thousand likes before I turned off comments. FML
Today, I tried to open a door with a dramatic kick, like in the movies. The door didn’t budge, but my shoe flew off and hit me in the face. FML
Today, I found out that my son didn’t have to work over Christmas because he "didn’t have enough seniority to get time off." He actually volunteered so that he didn’t have to spend the holiday with us. FML
Today, while standing in line at the store, I thought I could let a small fart slip and blame it on the guy behind me. I did it, then turned to glare at him in disgust, only for him to turn and yell at the crowd, “This bitch farted, not me!” FML
Today, my boyfriend’s soon to be ex-wife was supposed to go on a trip with her sister, so I came over for the weekend while she was gone. She came home saying she’s not going anymore because her sister cancelled. I had to wait inside a hot closet for 4 hours hungry as fuck until I could escape when she was showering. FML
Today, I went to my son's parent teacher conference. Imagine my shock when I found out his second grade teacher is the girl I chastised at Walmart yesterday for being covered in trashy tattoos. FML
Today, my online friend confessed his feelings towards me but I just played it down, and made a joke, then acted like nothing happened. Mind you, I actually like him back but I'm afraid of how far away we are from each other. FML
Today, I took my 6 year-old to work. A normally docile child, she chased me around with her toy - beating me with it while all my colleagues watched - not stopping despite me requesting her to. When she finally lost said toy, she threw a huge tantrum. Guess who's banned from my office. FML
Today, my cat knocked my phone into the bathtub. I grabbed it, dried it, and put it on the charger without thinking. Five minutes later, the bathroom lights went out and my landlord texted me asking why the fuses had tripped. FML
Today, in a crowded store, I waved at someone who looked familiar. The woman frowned, looked behind her, then back at me, and said, “Do I know you?” I panicked and said, “Yes… spiritually?” She walked away faster than I’ve ever seen flee. FML
Today, I bought an expensive notebook because I wanted to become the kind of person who plans everything. On the first page, I carefully wrote my goals, habits, and schedule. I haven't opened it since. It is now the most organized thing I own. FML
Today, I got a notification that my package had been delivered. I searched my porch, checked with my neighbors, and even contacted customer support. It was sitting in my car's trunk because I'd picked it up from a parcel locker yesterday. FML
Today, as we packed for a vacation, I saw my boyfriend pack several pairs of the ugly gray socks he knows I hate. I took and threw them away before we left. One flight, cab ride, and furious argument later, I learned that one pair had an engagement ring wrapped up inside. FML
Today, at the gym, I attempted to deadlift after binge eating ice cream last night. I need new underwear. FML
Today, I once again tried to purchase a membership for a hiking adventure club. I ended up purchasing the same annual membership for the third time. They have already helped me recover my funds once. These people are never going to want to go hiking with me. FML
Today, I made a homemade face mask with turmeric, honey, lemon, and a few other organic ingredients. I let the mixture sit, then washed it off. It stained my face so bright yellow I look like I’m either suffering from a terrible case of jaundice or auditing for a live action Simpson’s movie. FML
Today, I turned down my boyfriend's proposal because I'm pregnant and I told him I didn't want people thinking that's why we were getting married. He… did not react well. Yes, he knows that I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I took my toddler to a petting zoo and warned her not to stick her fingers in the goat pen. Two minutes later, I stuck my finger in to pet one, and it bit me. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “See? I told you.” FML
Today, I received a package labeled “Confidential.” Excited, I opened it in front of my coworkers, thinking it was a PR gift. It was the new toilet seat I'd mistakenly sent to my work address instead of my house. FML
Today, I was trying to take a nice picture of my dad but he was just doing stupid-looking poses, so I got mad and told him to "stop acting like a prostitute" without knowing what that even means. Keep in mind, this was also in front of my mum and oldest sister. FML
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