Today, my wife inherited her grandparents' farm in Hawaii and she is now dead-set on uprooting our kids and everything, and moving the family there. I keep telling her that just isn't feasible or financially possible, but she won't take no for an answer. FML
Today, for some reason my girlfriend wanted to have sex in the bathroom at a family funeral. I’m sure that’s a sin, I mean… we definitely did it, so sorry Nana, but now I feel all wrong about it and I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell one day. FML
Today, my possibly soon-to-be ex-husband assaulted his sister because she said that our adoptive kids weren't really ours. Because of the pending criminal charges, we may have the adoption revoked. FML
Today, because I'm still the emergency contact for my ex, I'm waiting to take him home after a routine surgery. I'm also trapped with his potential next girlfriend, who showed up and is trying to become best friends with me. She has giggled after every sentence for the past three hours like she's twelve. FML
Today, I think my daughter is the only person in the world who was born racist. The other day she said to me, “Girls with dark skin can’t be pretty.” FML
Today, I went grocery shopping with my toddler. At the checkout, I realized that I forgot my wallet at home. As I frantically searched my purse, my toddler shouted, "Mommy, do we need this?" and held up a box of condoms she'd grabbed from a nearby shelf. Everyone stared. FML
Today, I realized that I could strip down butt naked, slather myself in honey, and roll around in $100 bills, and still wouldn’t be able to get my husband’s attention. FML
Today, I walked into a café for the first time, and as I opened the door, I slammed it into the face of a poor barista. Embarrassed, I tried to apologize while holding the door open for a woman behind me, only to have my hand slip and the door crash into her as well. I then stood there, frozen, as both of them just stared at me as I apologized with, "I swear I'm not a moron." FML
A fun solution from your friends at FML!
Today, I ran to catch the subway, slipped, and my pants ripped across the back. I got on the train trying to cover the hole, only to realize the train was packed with people staring straight at my underwear though my fingers. To make it worse, my phone started playing loud music and I froze as I considered which situation to fix first. FML
Today, I was running late for work and sprinted to catch the bus. As I got on, panting heavily, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. The driver gave me a pity look and let me ride for free. I thanked him and sat down, only to discover I was on the wrong bus, heading in the opposite direction. FML
Today, after I tried to create the perfect playlist for a road trip, my music app decided to shuffle exclusively between sea shanties and children's nursery rhymes, turning my drive into a surreal musical adventure that left me questioning the algorithm's sense of humor. FML
Today, to anyone else who thinks court can be weird, I say this: I just had to testify in court about my penis because it was relevant to the case. FML
Today, my manager told me point blank if my uncle weren’t a senior manager he’d fire me. My uncle isn’t a senior manager because I don’t have any uncles, just two aunts, but I’m terrified that if I tell my manager then he’ll fire me. FML
Today, my parents started nagging me yet again to have kids. When I pointed out that I already do, they scoffed and said that my five step-kids don't count. FML
Today, it's been two years since my dad died on my birthday. Last year I was able to be out of the US on the day thanks to rewards points, because I don't want to be around my normal boring routine the day of. This year I could have made it if my car's repair cost less than $600. Turns out it's going to cost $1000. FML
Today, my wife is very insistent that we try to get our boys more involved in her religion, starting with church tomorrow morning. She foolishly trusts our boys to behave. They really don’t want to go and I’m convinced they’re plotting something bad, like real bad, the devious little hooligans. FML
Today, and recently, I've had a crush on a woman, we've and texting for a while. She always replies instantly and very positively, but she never asks about me or initiates anything. I have no idea whether I have a chance, but probably not. There are very limited signs. FML
Today, I was emailed an update on the jobs I applied for. Every single one of the positions have closed except for one that I'm having second thoughts about, because looking around Google showed them to be VERY sketchy. FML
Today, I found out that my daughter has been making up horrible lies about her home life to impress some new friends. Since when is having two highly involved, loving parents with good careers and a nice home an embarrassment? FML
Today, while trying to pick up dog poo, I tripped and landed in the pile. FML
Today, I didn't realize my cat was sleeping in the room with me until she decided to jump on me in the middle of the night, resulting in a critical hit to my groin. FML
Today, our baby refuses to sleep through the night. My dad told us to play Heavy Metal because it put me to sleep as a baby. We are currently playing "Jekyll and Hyde" by Five Finger Death Punch on repeat and she’s been asleep for 7 hours. Unfortunately, the neighbours are furious. FML
Today, every boyfriend I’ve ever had dumped me because they realised I was serious about saving myself until marriage. I’m now in my late 30s, single, and childless. My sister, whose knickers were up and down like a yo-yo in high school, is happily married with 3 great kids. Religion is for idiots. FML
Today, I came home from work to pet-sit 2 dogs and 3 cats, only to find the dispenser for the cat food empty. I'd filled the dispenser yesterday and thought I'd placed it where the dogs couldn't reach it after I left for work. The Labrador could in fact reach, and a week's worth of cat food is now in her stomach. FML
Today, I walked into my boss’s office for a serious meeting. While I was talking, I felt something on my arm, looked down, and realized it was a giant spider crawling up my sleeve. I tried to casually shake it off without screaming, but I just ended up doing a bizarre, silent dance in front of my boss. FML
Today, my husband accidentally smashed a Pickleball straight into my nose at high speed and the pain dropped me like a sack of potatoes. I’m still waiting for a hug and an “I’m sorry babe” from him. That alone is more painful than my nose right now. FML
Today, my mum and dad decided that now I’m 18 they’re not gonna sneak around in their own house anymore. So now, when they’re in the mood, they just run past me giggling, hands all over each other, upstairs, and I can hear them up there. FML
Today, my husband and I were finally about to put our house on market because we have killed our savings on moving and two mortgages for the past couple of months. Then the pipes burst. Awesome. FML
Today, I received a letter from the doctor's office saying that I'd missed an appointment and could be dropped as a patient if I missed another. My mom scheduled the appointment for me without my knowledge, and never told me that I had one. I also can't make it to any appointments right now, because my car broke down. FML
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