How to deal with annoying neighbors...

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

Peaky Bladders

Sister of the year

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 22:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

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Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 09:02 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

By lil123 - 25/3/2012 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

By heightdifference - 28/11/2013 16:34 - United States - Memphis

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Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

By ThanksDog - 5/6/2016 21:26

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Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 21:03 - United Kingdom - Castleford

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Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 01:52 - United States

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Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

By John Doe - 29/1/2015 17:01 - United States - Columbia

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Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

By Jammy238 - 1/2/2010 05:27 - France

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Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 17:30 - Germany - K?ln

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Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

By CosmicJoke - 12/8/2009 14:20 - United States

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Today, I still have the bronchitis and the stomach flu that I suffered through all weekend. Today was to be the day I had my bachelorette party and wedding shower. I had to call both of them off. FML

By Anonymous - 12/3/2012 16:45 - United States

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Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

By justwow - 13/7/2010 14:27 - United Kingdom

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Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

By Ihaveaheadache - 9/2/2012 05:37 - United States

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Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

By murphy22 - 24/8/2012 09:33 - United States - Norman

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Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

By tuggernuts - 17/7/2012 15:32 - United States

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Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 06:00

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Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML

By DrtySnchez - 18/8/2013 09:37 - United States - Statham

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Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

By Crappyfayman - 23/2/2010 02:46 - United States

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Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

By Vandrefalk - 1/3/2012 00:09 - Norway

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Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

By Bella - 15/1/2013 18:57 - United States - Sanford

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Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

By TexasGirl24 - 10/9/2016 12:51 - United States - Houston

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Today, my dentist told me I have a cavity and blamed it on the "subpar" toothpaste I've been using - the same toothpaste he recommended six months ago at my last appointment. FML

By BiteMe - 30/8/2016 23:29 - United States - Upper Marlboro

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Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2016 15:34 - United States - Pomona

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Today, someone took my phone away. Why? Because I was texting my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with one of my friends. FML

By who knows - 5/2/2020 14:00 - United States - Mankato

Tell me the reason

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Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 17:22 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I was quite happily glossing my new bathroom door, when my useless, alcoholic, housemate came rolling in, knocked the paint over, stood in it and without realising, walked it all the way down the stairs. I had just had a brand new carpet fitted. FML

By Heather - 4/3/2010 12:49 - United Kingdom

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Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

By redlips - 9/11/2010 18:06 - Japan

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Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". FML

By ehbe - 27/11/2008 08:52 - France

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Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

By shaggyberaddy - 5/1/2018 05:00

Christmas Chaos

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Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

By notgay - 12/2/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

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Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

By Peter - 10/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

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Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

By Bellagirl - 19/7/2010 07:10 - United States

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Today, after hours of trying to put a screaming baby to sleep, she finally fell asleep in my arms. I was so happy. Then, I got the hiccups. FML

By hiccups - 13/1/2013 06:15 - United States - Canton

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Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

By Nick - 13/8/2009 19:47 - United States

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Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

By midwify - 5/1/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

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Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

By NoTattoo - 12/8/2015 17:50

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Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

By Goki - 6/6/2009 16:23 - Canada

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Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

By kraziikayce - 26/12/2009 01:20 - United States

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