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Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

by Lord Buttfuck IV / 08/29/2015 at 10:06am / France / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

by Michigan / 02/04/2009 at 8:18pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to buy another pair of 'fat jeans', because my old 'fat jeans' became my new 'skinny jeans'. FML

by FML / 08/30/2009 at 10:15am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

by LesToiliettes / 03/25/2012 at 3:12am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2011 at 2:06am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

by crazyk2468 / 04/26/2012 at 1:29pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2012 at 12:24pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

by poisonhand / 01/14/2009 at 10:32am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

by polish_chik / 09/01/2009 at 12:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

by badbed / 12/11/2009 at 12:07pm / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Intimacy

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

by Fish / 03/19/2009 at 11:47am / United Arab Emirates (Dubai) / Love

Today, I received a compliment for the first time from a girl. She told me she admires my courage to go out in public since most ugly people don't like to. FML

by IHateMyLife / 09/22/2012 at 2:59am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2015 at 7:08pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation