Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said...

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

By Alice - 18/11/2011 09:17

Toonhole Month: part three

Hello everybody! It's already our third artist of the Toonhole crew and I see some of you crying by thinking this awesome month will...

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By TANT / Sunday 22 March 2009 04:53 / United States

Health

Empathy hurts

Sister of the year

Mind your own beeswax

By hoser - 21/2/2010 10:01 - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8686

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37003

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1717

You deserved it

2093

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By ljennette25 - 23/9/2016 04:51 - United States - Princeton

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12169

You deserved it

865

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By disgusted - 16/3/2012 09:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my old roommate used to clean her goldfish bowl with my toothbrush. We lived together for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25076

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2122

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30900

You deserved it

13899

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By catlady - 25/8/2015 03:16 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23615

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2416

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

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36795

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4196

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By FunGhoost - 20/2/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37299

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5227

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By Username - 3/6/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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11916

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59794

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By aranya - 14/6/2012 22:51 - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56449

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3846

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - 4/8/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44279

You deserved it

4142

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53578

You deserved it

4715

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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2472

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175

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 16:54 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

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25543

You deserved it

1787

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

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42844

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4759

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By sistermonster - 26/2/2014 09:45 - France - Salon-de-provence

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25401

You deserved it

37753

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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32759

You deserved it

2972

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By newlyneurotic - 3/9/2017 07:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3977

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321

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By hell! - 2/12/2008 08:27 - France

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

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47983

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6918

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By jostertoaster12 - 13/2/2015 20:31 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30124

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2386

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By Steve - 30/9/2011 10:18 - New Zealand

Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML

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27384

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11706

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By caroline - 6/2/2009 15:29 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

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716763

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 05:47 - United States - Sanford

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid witnessing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

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79081

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6389

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By creepyguy - 26/12/2009 12:06 - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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28212

You deserved it

9907

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By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6885

You deserved it

533

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By offuckingcourse - 6/8/2013 05:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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59521

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20199

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By I_Has_A_Fishy - 10/7/2012 19:33 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31578

You deserved it

3440

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By Lionman - 5/4/2012 05:11 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28168

You deserved it

2708

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By David - 15/8/2020 17:07

No wings

Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

512

You deserved it

2486

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By lefthandspanker - 27/8/2015 16:34 - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24762

You deserved it

1605

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By jlol - 5/3/2015 14:32 - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15916

You deserved it

47520

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Can't get no…

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks

708

You deserved it

139

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By gunman - 20/10/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6903

You deserved it

45047

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By silvercity09 - 26/5/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18946

You deserved it

63826

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13571

You deserved it

44381

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By ouch - 9/2/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19658

You deserved it

35390

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By Gavin - 20/2/2012 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31655

You deserved it

4658

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

No feeling - Just conversation

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3060

You deserved it

807

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By latter - 24/9/2013 00:05 - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43178

You deserved it

3288

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

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34924

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6987

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Top comments

By Chris968 | 0

#50053 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

That's..... sad.

By necromancerlord | 0

#50139 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Today, I tried to inject steroids. I wasn't strong enough to squeeze the syringe. FML

COMMENTS

By Chris968 | 0

#50053 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

That's..... sad.

tinkerbell1357 | 0

#930485 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:51

That's wat the shitsfor lil man!!!

hippo23 | 0

#966057 - Monday 22 March 2010 2:00

poor u! that's ok tho those things are always hard to open!

tellithowitis | 13

#2404660 - Monday 25 April 2011 22:39

how embarrassing....,

NickyK | 25

#3303617 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:56

Okay, time to break out the saw.

AshleighNason | 24

#3612010 - Sunday 20 November 2011 23:59

its ironic

By Inkspell | 2

#50060 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

haha wow, that sucks ;D, but keep it up, bodybuilding is healthy, great, and fun ;D.

By fillmyheart028 | 0

#50071 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:35

Wow. You really DO need to start working out.

....good luck with that....

By nando92 | 0

#50077 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:36

its ok man i cant either...
:)

By kapowi | 0

#50090 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:39

...wow.

By sapm90 | 0

#50092 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:39

lol, wow well at least they were right.

By lol_seriously | 0

#50106 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:46

LMFAO

oh god that is awesome loooooool

By G_Bug | 0

#50136 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Hmm, that's happened to me. Just slam the lid on a counter/table a few times lol

By immolate5 | 0

#50138 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Protein needs to be after workout, not before.

Soloman212 | 28

#5773835 - Sunday 1 December 2013 1:48

Definitely not before during.

By necromancerlord | 0

#50139 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Today, I tried to inject steroids. I wasn't strong enough to squeeze the syringe. FML

El_patron | 0

#1686049 - Friday 12 November 2010 7:49

lol win

Humanspider | 18

#3607919 - Sunday 20 November 2011 2:48

greatest response ever lmao!