Health: Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said...

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

By Alice

Toonhole Month: part three

Hello everybody! It's already our third artist of the Toonhole crew and I see some of you crying by thinking this awesome month will...

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By TANT / Sunday 22 March 2009 04:53 / United States

Health

Messed up

Simps gonna simp

Carless whisper

By Sandman2015 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21931

You deserved it

1881

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By WonderWall09 - United States

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84656

You deserved it

4768

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By [email protected]

Just in case

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1715

You deserved it

164

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By Jake Whitte - United States

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47592

You deserved it

15709

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By gnofin - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20441

You deserved it

2990

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By Anonymous - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28729

You deserved it

3844

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By disappointed - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59872

You deserved it

6082

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By Dump Tump

Today, my flute broke. I have an exam coming tomorrow and all repair shops are closed. I guess I’ll have to lose £150. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1695

You deserved it

158

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By NotaDTfan

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4855

You deserved it

815

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2005

You deserved it

248

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By fuck you, dad - United States - Bellflower

Gotcha good

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35756

You deserved it

18578

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By Lace - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41036

You deserved it

3740

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By yper - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30752

You deserved it

7350

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By F.U. QFN - 28/3/2021 00:29

Get out

Today, I was given my marching orders because I corrected my supervisor on something he was actually doing wrong. It seems I deserve this for "not learning to obey my immediate superiors." FML

I agree, your life sucks

785

You deserved it

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By linked - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2326

You deserved it

154

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By Puppysit88 - United States

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

92678

You deserved it

9041

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By Smashed - United States

Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33390

You deserved it

2591

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34069

You deserved it

3217

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By sleepy - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26590

You deserved it

3775

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By kikinemo - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10924

You deserved it

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By caligirl921 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31937

You deserved it

21033

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10367

You deserved it

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By James - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18315

You deserved it

1759

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49397

You deserved it

5816

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By Allen - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10884

You deserved it

40372

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By bluten - Canada

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

78703

You deserved it

30932

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By zackeryburch - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66365

You deserved it

6522

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32952

You deserved it

9583

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By Pakundo - France

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27000

You deserved it

2556

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 10:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Some friends you've got there

Today, I wrote a post about how I was thinking of attempting suicide. Not one single person contacted me to see if I was alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks

731

You deserved it

532

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after I went to collect my pay for babysitting, the girl's dad pulled the old "Can I pay you in Trident Layers?" bull on me. Hoping to show that I wasn't going to play ball, I told him that watching his gran inhale a cock would be funnier. If scowls could kill... FML

I agree, your life sucks

9314

You deserved it

65406

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By Alice - United States

Today, my manager came in and said "Hey Alice, great job closing so well last night. NOT." and walked off. When I heard the door shut, I said "And great job being a bitch, you cow." I heard my manager walking back towards me. She wasn't the one who left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20556

You deserved it

48054

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By Mother of a dumb blonde

Top Chef

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that no, just because the word, "salad" is in the name, it doesn't mean that macaroni or potato salad are automatically healthy for you. She still doesn't believe me. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3782

You deserved it

665

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By Z - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10648

You deserved it

792

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By Anonameow - United States - Freeland

Today, after lots of overcast weather, we opened the blinds to the children's section in the library, to let in the beautiful sunshine. Fifteen preschoolers were greeted by the sight of a used condom plastered against the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19639

You deserved it

1610

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By momma - Canada - Toronto

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50906

You deserved it

3697

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By Anonymous

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2136

You deserved it

841

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By pantless - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went to a McDonald's drive-thru in just a shirt and underwear, thinking I wouldn't be seeing anyone. I got into a car crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8207

You deserved it

10540

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By frankie - Canada

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23817

You deserved it

3487

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38107

You deserved it

3883

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Top comments

By Chris968 | 0

#50053 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

That's..... sad.

By necromancerlord | 0

#50139 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Today, I tried to inject steroids. I wasn't strong enough to squeeze the syringe. FML

COMMENTS

By Chris968 | 0

#50053 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

That's..... sad.

tinkerbell1357 | 0

#930485 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:51

That's wat the shitsfor lil man!!!

hippo23 | 0

#966057 - Monday 22 March 2010 2:00

poor u! that's ok tho those things are always hard to open!

tellithowitis | 13

#2404660 - Monday 25 April 2011 22:39

how embarrassing....,

NickyK | 25

#3303617 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:56

Okay, time to break out the saw.

AshleighNason | 24

#3612010 - Sunday 20 November 2011 23:59

its ironic

By Inkspell | 2

#50060 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

haha wow, that sucks ;D, but keep it up, bodybuilding is healthy, great, and fun ;D.

By fillmyheart028 | 0

#50071 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:35

Wow. You really DO need to start working out.

....good luck with that....

By nando92 | 0

#50077 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:36

its ok man i cant either...
:)

By kapowi | 0

#50090 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:39

...wow.

By sapm90 | 0

#50092 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:39

lol, wow well at least they were right.

By lol_seriously | 0

#50106 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:46

LMFAO

oh god that is awesome loooooool

By G_Bug | 0

#50136 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Hmm, that's happened to me. Just slam the lid on a counter/table a few times lol

By immolate5 | 0

#50138 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Protein needs to be after workout, not before.

Soloman212 | 28

#5773835 - Sunday 1 December 2013 1:48

Definitely not before during.

By necromancerlord | 0

#50139 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:00

Today, I tried to inject steroids. I wasn't strong enough to squeeze the syringe. FML

El_patron | 0

#1686049 - Friday 12 November 2010 7:49

lol win

Humanspider | 18

#3607919 - Sunday 20 November 2011 2:48

greatest response ever lmao!