Today, I was halfway through a pair of pants I'd started making when my PTSD kicked in and I had a panic attack, and thought someone was yelling at me, so my response was to throw a pair of sewing scissors at the non-existent person. They hit the wall and now I have to get the wall patched up. FML
Today, I popped something straight out of the oven into my mouth. It burned my tongue instantly, but instead of spitting it out, I swallowed. I felt it burning all the way down. Now I can’t eat solid food or drink hot drinks. FML
Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML
Today, I got caught in the rain without an umbrella. I arrived at work looking like a wet rat, and my boss sent me home to change. I forgot my keys at work and ended up locked out of my apartment in the rain. I can't seem to catch a break. FML
Today, months after a severe poison ivy rash, I have learned that I now have a very intense poison ivy allergy. As in, any exposure to poison ivy at all will cause my face, hands, thighs, and groin to swell up and itch madly for up to a week. FML
Today, in our homecoming high school reunion, the batch's "derpina" broke cardinal rule #1, "No +1", by bringing her baby, brandishing her to everyone. When it was my turn, as I held the baby, she said her first word, "Daddy" and just like back in school, everyone started to tease me with her all over again. FML
Today, I flew some 1,800km cross country for a work conference. The trip involved an Uber, two trains, the flight, a bus, and the conference itself. My shirt was inside out the whole time, and not one soul mentioned it. FML
Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, I already felt like shit for no reason, only to find out my boyfriend been drinking again, even though he knows it worries me. He lives two hours away and I don't have a car. Apparently he's had two bottles of vodka, and he started getting nasty over the phone with me. FML
Today, I'm preparing to go through my second divorce, all because I don't want kids. Both of them agreed to no kids when we were dating, then changed their minds. FML
Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparents' house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony… until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML
Today, I was performing in a community theater production. Right before my big scene, I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold it in, but it came out with such force that I lost my balance, fell off the stage, and landed in the lap of the mayor, who was in the front row. My character’s dramatic entrance was unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. FML
Today, I had a blind date with someone who asked me for an evening out back on Valentine's Day. I was happy to have a date related to a special day. The catch: my date is a woman I know from work who has a crush on me. Should I feel good I agreed to time with another woman, or bad that it's my only date in 3 years? FML
Today, I moved out of my parents' house and started living alone. All of a sudden, my parents started requiring me to text or call them every 5 minutes to tell them where I am and what I'm doing, from 6am to 12am every day. If I don't, they will go looking for me, and force me to move back in with them. FML
Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML
Today, I was told that I was an “entitled snowflake.” I'd mentioned that after 5+ years of cancer treatment and over a dozen surgeries, I still have some physical limitations. I literally almost died but still managed to finish school and change careers, but yeah, I’m entitled. FML
Today, I woke up after I had gotten shitfaced, and tossed out of bars by bouncers several times. I even had pictures of my face circulated to other bars not to be served. I then met a woman I almost smoked crack with, and spent the rest of the night following her while she asked random homeless people for free crack. FML
Today, my wife isn't speaking to me and is considering separation because I got rid of the puppy she surprised me with for my birthday. She knows I hate dogs and I'm severely allergic to them, but thought it would be a happy case of "Dad later falls in love." FML
Today, I thought I’d preheat the car so I wouldn’t have to scrape the ice off the windshield and could start driving in a toasty vehicle. Turns out it’s a bit difficult to flip a switch on the dashboard of a car with the doors frozen shut. FML
Today, I realized why my depression is so bad. No matter how hard I try, I have always been a replaceable presence in everyone's lives, and I have never felt like anyone couldn't live without me. Not even family. FML
Today, I got back home to my completely locked-up apartment after a long and stressful family visit. On digging through my nice clean clothes for something comfy to change into, I was set upon and stung by a great dirty wasp hiding in there. How the fuck did it get in? Are there more of them in here with me?! FML
Today, I learned of my girlfriend’s affair with her coworker. And by coworker, I mean my long-time friend, who we helped get a job at her work in the first place. FML
Today, my parents told me that they're suing my best friend's parents because I broke my leg at their house. I've been begging and pleading and fighting with them not to but they won't listen. They keep saying that it's not personal and it's just a legal thing. Happens all the time. FML
Today, I had a meeting with our shop owner, who I’d never met before. We were in suits but the guy turned up in jeans, a flat cap hat, and the strongest Yorkshire accent I’ve ever encountered. I couldn’t understand a word he said. I couldn’t even tell if he was mad or not, it mostly sounded like swearing. FML
Today, all the roads going in and out of my town are closed due to flooding. I work 3 towns away, and was threatened with termination if I didn't come to work. FML
Today, to be kind, I gave away my tickets for an electronic music event I could no longer attend to a Facebook stranger. Later, they told me they were refused at the door. Turns out the pdf I'd received from the ticketing system contained some placeholder values and invalid QR data. And this happened on April 1st. FML
Today, I found out that my parents are in trouble because they left me home alone for almost two weeks (I'm 16) and my Karen neighbor found out and called social services. FML
Today, I threw up due to food poisoning. Despite my fever and pain, my wife is completely convinced it was from secretly drinking, and I am now "PERMANENTLY FORBIDDEN" from drinking anything alcoholic. FML
Today, I found out that my mom withdrew me from karate at the insistence of my my fucking stepdad, who's a wimpy sissy pacifist who is against violence. I was so close to getting my black belt. FML
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