Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit, in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and love, and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML
Today, I was attending a spa weekend that my husband got me, while he watches the kids. He'd swore he’d only call me in emergencies. So far he’s called me 18 times with questions on basic parenting like, "Where are the nappies?" and, "Can babies eat yoghurt?" Emergencies, sure. FML
Today, I was editing sound on a recording of a live music show. The woman who hired me said she wanted less reverb. I told her that this is how the recording was and I can't magically remove acoustic reverb from something recorded in a church. FML
Today, my dad died recently and as I was going through photos of his bucket list trip to Paris, I realised I’m not in a single damn one of the photos. Why? Because during all the big photo moments, I was the stupid bastard taking the pictures. Now I have no photos of us together on his last trip. FML
Today, I got stuck making small talk with a neighbor I barely know. In a panic, I said “Have a good night!” even though it was 10 a.m. She corrected me with, “Morning,” and my brain responded, “Happy… time?” I swear she slowly backed away. FML
Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML
Today, I came home from work to pet-sit 2 dogs and 3 cats, only to find the dispenser for the cat food empty. I'd filled the dispenser yesterday and thought I'd placed it where the dogs couldn't reach it after I left for work. The Labrador could in fact reach, and a week's worth of cat food is now in her stomach. FML
Today, after six months of trying, my wife was convinced she was finally pregnant with our first baby, which we put off having for years until we got our careers, savings and house where we needed them. One trip to the doctor's and it’s not pregnancy, it’s early onset menopause at 37. FML
Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets for his birthday to see our favorite band, and he told me he doesn't feel he loves me. FML
Today, I was told it is "fatphobic" to "assume someone's weight is related to their food choices" and that I have a "problematic relationship with food." All because I didn't want to eat a bigger slice of the cake someone brought in at work. FML
Today, I turned 15, and I am allowed to wear a bikini now, so I modeled for my family. My brother (who's 18) was really wowed when he saw me. I asked what's wrong; he said, "Nothing, which is the point. I know you're my sis, not my girlfriend, but damn you have a pretty body." Is it OK that my bro thinks I'm hot? FML
Today, I thought it would be fun to post a throwback photo of myself in high school on Facebook. I didn't realize I was still logged into my work account. Now all my colleagues and clients have seen my awkward teenage years, complete with braces, pimples, and an unfortunate haircut. FML
Today, I tried fixing the squeak in my bedroom door. Instead, I made it dramatically louder. That night, when I sneaked to the kitchen for a snack, the door shrieked like a horror movie prop. My family thought someone broke in. It was just me craving chips. FML
Today, I received a package and confidently told the delivery guy I didn’t need to sign because it was “hands-free these days.” He stared at me, pointed at the giant screen that clearly required a signature, and said, “Not for this one.” I scribbled in shame. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs while holding a cup of hot coffee. Now I have burns all over me and a twisted ankle. FML
Today, my husband managed to make Chipotle's beef barbacoa recipe perfectly in our kitchen. I couldn't stop eating, it tasted so good. Then I realized this is the most pleasure he's brought me in the six years we've been together. FML
Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML
Today, I was setting up my keyboard when the stand came loose. The keyboard started to fall, so I tried to save it, held it up in the air, and ended up falling off the stool onto the floor. I’ll feel that tomorrow, but at least the keyboard survived. FML
Today, I went to the salon to get some acrylics done. They increased the prices recently and it was more expensive than expected. I didn’t have enough money in my account to cover the service, so I planned on running out when I had the chance. I ended up running out only to faceplant in the parking lot. FML
Today, my father publicly announced his engagement to his new girlfriend. My mom passed away not even eight months ago. FML
Today, I joined a work call while rushing breakfast. I muted myself, or so I thought, until my boss asked who was “chomping.” I froze, mid-bite, while everyone waited. My coworker said it sounded “nutritious,” which somehow made it worse. I didn’t speak again. FML
Today, I went to the emergency room. A medicine I'm on for my nerve disease is causing me to have stomach pains. If I get off the medicine though, the nerve disease can get worse. If I stay on the medicine, I can continue to have stomach pains and vomit. FML
Today, I realised just how caffeine dependent I am. I didn't have time for my morning coffee, work is out of milk, and I only have $1.30 in my bank account, so I couldn't buy a coffee. Today has been a struggle. FML
Today, I tried on a sweater in a store. It was a bit tight, but I managed to get it on. When I tried to take it off, it got stuck halfway. After several failed attempts, a sales associate had to help me out of it, while other customers watched. FML
Today, I was walking down the street and while stopped at a light, this old man waved at me. Thinking nothing of it, I walked through a parking lot to get to where I was going, where he not only followed me, but mistook me for a prostitute. It was 5pm. FML
Today, my boss sent a Christmas present… to my dog. FML
Today, I was looking for flower seeds on the internet, wanting the same pretty flowers that my mom has. My mom, who lives next door, and whose pretty flowers grow seeds that I could just have picked and planted. It seems a high IQ does not prevent you from simply being stupid. FML
Today, after finally working there long enough for medical and dental insurance to kick in, my employers decided we should part ways. Then, while I was eating dinner, my crown popped off. FML
Today, my husband has erectile dysfunction and is too scared to see a local doctor to get prescription helpers. He wants me to fly to another country and buy them over the counter for him instead! And I'm travelling next week. Not sure which is worse. FML
Today, I realized that I am what the internet refers to as a "neckbeard." I really need to get my shit together. FML
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