The Top

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Territorial Pissings

By El Camino - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 668

You deserved it 5 179

Hell no

By Anonymous - 30/05/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was, "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 109

You deserved it 8 947

Thunderbolt of lightning, very very frightening

By worst boss ever - 06/02/2022 10:01

Today, one of my employees called in because he “got struck by lightning.” I told him that’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard, and he’d better get his ass to work. Turns out he really did get struck by lightning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 1 692

It's still around

By Anonymous - 11/05/2026 12:00 - United States

Today, we had to cancel a Disney vacation we had spent thousands of non-refundable dollars planning for over a year because our oldest son tested positive for COVID and we couldn't find anyone to leave him with on such short notice. My other kids are heartbroken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 135

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 10/10/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I found out that my landlord had been showing my apartment to new tenants without telling me, when I woke up this morning to a family of four staring at me scratching my nuts whilst watching TV on my couch in my pajamas, horrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 67

By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 748

You deserved it 5 441

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, after taking my clothes out of the washer, I noticed at the very bottom of the washer my boyfriend's USB stick I found a couple of days ago. The USB stick contains his English essay, and his novel he has been working on for almost six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 262

You deserved it 32 362

America, fix your bathroom stalls

By Anonymous - 11/10/2024 06:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my boss overheard me in a bathroom stall talking about how much I hate my job and couldn’t stand him. He didn’t say a word, I hadn't even heard him come in, I just noticed him staring silently at me through the crack in the stall, before leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 676

Bigmouth strikes again

By BlackRavenWings - 21/11/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patient's room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 919

You deserved it 35 773

By Anon - 13/12/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 317

You deserved it 3 708

Neverending shift

By ThisIsYourDoc - 15/05/2023 12:00 - Switzerland - Malans

Today, I started a new job as a resident at a rural hospital. So far, nobody has been able to tell me when the shifts were officially supposed to end. They told me they just "leave when we're done with all the patients." I work on a 24/7 emergency station, and I guess I now also live here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 146

By yeah okay then - 03/08/2012 23:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 001

You deserved it 2 124

By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 203

You deserved it 3 301

By Anonymous - 27/05/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 778

You deserved it 3 569

Pulled a sneaky on you

By blank sheep at work - 01/03/2022 18:00 - United States - Richland

Today, I found out that my work threw me a birthday party alongside my coworker’s birthday. Said coworker spread a rumor, telling everyone that I wanted each person to buy me flowers and cake. Everyone thought that I was a weirdo for asking for those things from them. I wasn't at work today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 101

Disk horse

By anon - 15/10/2024 12:00 - Canada

Today, my professor asked me a question in class. Thinking it was a rhetorical question, I shrugged and said, "Google it." It wasn't. He stared at me in silence for the longest 10 seconds of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 784

Music is noise

By Anonymous - 20/05/2026 15:00 - United States

Today, during a first date, we somehow got onto the topic of music, and I admitted I’d never listened to one of his favorite albums all the way through. He stared at me like I’d admitted I couldn’t read. The rest of dinner became a passionate TED Talk about artistic genius while I nodded in silence and ate fries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 64

By Anonymous - 02/08/2012 14:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 518

You deserved it 3 068

By calebeutsler - 11/09/2011 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at a pie auction. During it, I had to hold a pie in a glass case to be sold. In the middle of the auction, I raised my hand to scratch my face, and dropped the pie and broke the glass. It was worth $1000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 271

You deserved it 14 126

Reported and blocked

By Me. - 17/10/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I got fired as a waiter because I refused to serve alcohol to a pregnant woman and she reported me. Turns out she's not pregnant, she's just a fat Karen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 1 062

Congratulations, you played yourself

By Danny - 22/05/2026 15:00 - United States

Today, I realized the only person who’s ever loved me was an old friend. She was an amazing girl, she was there for me at my highs and lows, but I didn’t find her attractive, so I turned her down. She has since then moved on and gotten married, while I’m still getting played left and right by women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 622

Headshot

By HarleyDavison - 05/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Harrisonville

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 433

You deserved it 5 477

Strange encounter

By Anonymous - 24/05/2026 12:00 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I finished a very difficult order and brought it to a client's house. He greeted me at the door in his underwear, and thanked me by kissing me. Now his whole neighbourhood probably thinks we're gay, even though I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 88

New, from Goop

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 701

You deserved it 3 939

Bad timing

By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 92

Teenage zealot

By Anonymous - 29/05/2023 15:00

Today, my daughter was complaining about having no friends. My son told her it’s her own fault for attending church 3 times a week and trying to convert everyone at school like a Jehovah's witness who you can’t shut the door on. He’s 100% right but now she won’t stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 359

Merry Christmas, or not

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 05:02

Today, I got a quick COVID test and got a positive result. Christmas is in 3 days, my son and husband have to stay with my mom and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I've never been away from them this long and it is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 1 466

Spoilsport

By fuck it - 31/05/2023 15:00

Today, my coworkers are giving me the cold shoulder since the idea of having “office dogs” or allowing employees to bring their dogs to work with them was shot down due to my severe allergies. I shouldn’t be forced to take meds unnecessarily just to be able to come do my job. They don’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 353

YouTubers take note

By anon - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Germantown

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 206

You deserved it 6 934

By mommydearest - 04/09/2011 16:08 - Denmark

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 374

You deserved it 4 126

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The Top

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 306

You deserved it 3 655

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 752

You deserved it 4 702

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered, "Slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 600

You deserved it 22 122

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 757

You deserved it 5 821

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 219

You deserved it 3 163

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to take him 30 minutes away to meet his friends so he could go fishing, adding that they wouldn't be gone all night. I dropped him off 13 hours ago, and he doesn't have a phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 015

You deserved it 254