Work: Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was... - FML

By smidge - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

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Sorry…

Everyone's an expert

Zoom this, bitches!

By kingkobrastrikes - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dog took a dump beside the air intake for our furnace. The house now smells like dog crap. FML

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By uglyorstupid - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

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By alek - United States

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. This wasn't so bad until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

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By "LovelySB"

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

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By Koda

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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By Terrible Boss - United States

Stability

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

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By juliette - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

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By Teeny

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

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By noway - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

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By blinded - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By JadedBaker - United States

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By Anonymous

Snug as a bug…

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Ariel

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

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By ouchmytits - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

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By owew

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

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By whoahshloann - United States

Today, I was watching Harry Potter. When all the students at Hogwarts started to clap at one point, I started clapping myself. FML

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By thismakesmesad - United States

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

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By Lexi - Canada

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter swimming. While sitting in the hot tub, my daughter pointed to the elderly man sitting across from us and mumbled something. I couldn't understand her, so I asked her to repeat it. After two more attempts, she shouted, "MOM! He has big boobs!" FML

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By mrmr - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and the glass sliding door was jammed. I tugged it, and it shattered all over me. I was naked. FML

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By HouseMdFangirl - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my best friend. While waiting for it to start, I went on to describe this guy I really liked and how badly I wanted to do him. Just then the girl sitting behind us leans down and says "That's my little brother. So you're the creeper he talks about." FML

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By KingSnow03 - 31/3/2020 20:00

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By bodhimae - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By NoHamForMeThanks - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating 'morning sickness' all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

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By J. Homen - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

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By hook me up with some smack, Jack - Australia - Perth

Today, I, along with two cops and another paramedic, had to fight to pin down some total scumsucker. He was high out of his mind on god knows what, in his underwear, screaming like a maniac outside someone else's house at 2 in the morning. I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit. FML

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By someone - United States - Point Pleasant

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By Gassy and sassy - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I farted while I was in the car with my driving instructor and my partner. They couldn't hear it, but it smelled so bad that my instructor thought there was a gas leak, and he made us switch cars. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Awkward

Today, I found out what it's like to have your boyfriend's mom find your hidden stash of condoms in your car, then spend the next two hours shopping with her. Alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By BarCrush

"friend"

Today, and for the past two months, I've been going to the bar with my friends quite regularly because I have a massive crush on the cute bartender. Being quite shy, I asked my friend if he could be my wingman so I could finally talk to her properly. He took her home. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#253965 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:06

Whoa. That's like eating a chocolate cake in front of a starving man. So not cool.

Good luck finding a job elsewhere!

By sarumanthewhite | 0

#254011 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:22

i suggest you get yourself down to their offices late at night and throw a brick through their window

the dickheads

COMMENTS

By T1MT1M | 0

#253956 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:04

ha!

By redbluegreen | 40

#253965 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:06

Whoa. That's like eating a chocolate cake in front of a starving man. So not cool.

Good luck finding a job elsewhere!

By shagmii | 0

#253992 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:17

Chin up. It'll happen :)

By stiles_fml | 0

#254007 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:21

happens so many times

By sarumanthewhite | 0

#254011 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:22

i suggest you get yourself down to their offices late at night and throw a brick through their window

the dickheads

By jittle8 | 0

#254042 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:31

ahaha

By yaktazuki | 0

#254043 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:32

Somebody sounds pathetic.

By frankie034 | 0

#254067 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:40

aw dude that sucks!!

By Morelcap | 0

#254069 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:41

I don't understand how anyone could vote YDI on this.

By eggwhites | 0

#254089 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:54

I would cus them out like there's no tomorrow.