Miscellaneous: Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting... - FML

By Emcee - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

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Mother of the year

The patriarchy rules

Right place, wrong person

By lilmamma - United States

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

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By Equi - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By LMN - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

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By redhanded - United States

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

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By 'creep' - United States - Littleton

Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, a customer ordered a caramel latte with no caramel. I made a regular latte after explaining that’s what it was. He got angry and threw it at me. I got fired for insulting his intelligence. FML

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By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

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By Not true - United States

Strange terminology

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

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By jll14 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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By sorry, kiddo - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

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By badhairday

Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, "just trim the dead ends" and "give me an afro" mean the same thing to a barber. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By PickedOnByDamien - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Unmatched

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

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By dizzlewizzle - United States

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

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By awkward drunk - Canada

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

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By Dog Person Now

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

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By lingadoo - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

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By crystalpistol - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By camp - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

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By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

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By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

#1 Dad!

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

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By jfields2474 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML

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By Clueless - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

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By Andrew Cab - 6/4/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Relief

Today, our 9-year-old daughter was removed from our home and placed into a home for children too violent to function in a family setting. I can't stop crying but my wife hasn't been this happy in years. She was actually smiling as our daughter was restrained and forced out the front door. FML

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By StormSeason - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML

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By Username

Life is a roller coaster

Today, it's my birthday and my mom took me and some friends to an amusement park. Looking for a tampon, I found a phone in my mom's purse that I didn't recognize. Turns out my mom is cheating on my dad. Happy birthday to me, I guess. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to clock in at work, only to have the clock tell me I "wasn't scheduled", so I asked my boss what was going on. Turns out I was fired, and this was her way of avoiding conflict. FML

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By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By Cheating - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By realitybites - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By sadgirl - United States

Today, I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. FML

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Top comments

By nuked | 0

#270369 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

You should run for president.

By bruh_fml | 0

#270373 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

I get u, that must suck but that is pretty hard as a first time event for hosting

COMMENTS

By nuked | 0

#270369 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

You should run for president.

Reply

johnjkl | 22

#6371718 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 7:08

You comment made my actually laugh not just breathe out fast through my nose

By bruh_fml | 0

#270373 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

I get u, that must suck but that is pretty hard as a first time event for hosting

Reply

scvcwcheer | 0

#1107058 - Sunday 18 July 2010 21:31

yeah really. but it could have been worse I'm sure how big was the school?

By eliarivera | 0

#270374 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

First!! Haha. Uh, and fyl

By Fmylifffeee | 0

#270376 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

ahahahahaha i would've done the same i think :]]

and #3 fail

By popsoda | 0

#270380 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:31

could have been worse, you could have farted

By SUSAltd | 0

#270386 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:31

Ouch...

And I'd have to agree with #1. That would be amazing.

By Username_1000 | 0

#270404 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:34

yikes sorry. my sister fainted during a project presentation once

By joshm18 | 0

#270407 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:34

Ugh... Sorry about your experience but it made me chuckle on a day that I needed a good laugh!

By glitchz | 0

#270408 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:34

Think of how many people have this recorded :]

By Tika876 | 18

#270419 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:36

Sorry, at least everyone will remember you.