Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting...

By Emcee - 5/6/2009 10:48 - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Last dates

By Just Lonely - 4/9/2016 05:04 - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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By sexytime - 2/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By DumbCuntApparently - 27/2/2013 20:52 - Netherlands - Hilversum

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

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By JC - 22/10/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

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By makehimscrubit - 14/9/2016 03:18 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I found out the guys I live with have an ongoing contest to see if they can hit targets on the inside of the toilet lid with urine when they pee. I could forgive this in my seven-year-old son, but not my forty-year-old husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

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By :( - 2/3/2016 14:13 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By I-love-my-tea - 9/6/2015 22:30 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I had to show my ID to prove I was over 18. I was buying teaspoons. FML

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By unifail - 22/1/2009 10:48 - Canada

Today, I drove to my university to pick up forms and books. When I parked at 2:58 there was 30 mins on the meter. I returned at 3:32 only to find a parking ticket issued at 3:31. The worst part is, the books were not available until next week and I could've got the forms online. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2010 22:37 - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

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By jessye1182 - 11/5/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

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By crapgirl - 18/4/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

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By suckishbf - 28/4/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

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By jessiluvxx - 25/9/2016 21:08 - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By mia - 29/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

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By confusedandnowsingle - 28/6/2013 12:23 - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

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By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/9/2020 05:02

Great move

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

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By christine brown - 26/8/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

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By jennlikewhoa - 18/7/2011 10:07 - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

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By mulligan - 7/7/2016 17:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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By - 21/2/2020 14:00

No chance

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2011 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 10/5/2019 12:00

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 05:13 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I learned that if you complain to your mom about your future mother-in-law's bitchiness, your overprotective mom might confront her about it and end up punching her in the face. My fiancée blames me for the incident. FML

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By my honest father - 10/7/2013 16:33 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

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By Shock91 - 11/9/2019 02:02 - China - Beijing

Milky Milky

Today, the host family that I'm staying with in China gave me a small milk box to drink. It tasted a bit tangy and sour, but I thought that was probably just the taste of milk in China. Trying to be polite, I practically chugged the whole box. Later, I found out that it had expired 20 days ago. FML

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By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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By Scabby - 11/4/2012 09:53 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

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By FuckYou - 2/7/2012 06:07 - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

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By Flighted - 22/9/2012 04:54 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By racello13 - 2/11/2015 15:26 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

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By poophead - 30/5/2015 02:39 - Philippines

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

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By SenorPoopypants - 8/1/2017 19:23

Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML

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By Deadman - 2/4/2012 13:37 - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

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By ugh - 4/7/2013 18:28 - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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By piliseep - 7/6/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By jazojigga - 2/3/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

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By not telling you my name - 7/8/2015 15:16 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

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Top comments

By nuked | 0

#270369 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

You should run for president.

By bruh_fml | 0

#270373 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

I get u, that must suck but that is pretty hard as a first time event for hosting

COMMENTS

By nuked | 0

#270369 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

You should run for president.

johnjkl | 22

#6371718 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 7:08

You comment made my actually laugh not just breathe out fast through my nose

By bruh_fml | 0

#270373 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

I get u, that must suck but that is pretty hard as a first time event for hosting

scvcwcheer | 0

#1107058 - Sunday 18 July 2010 21:31

yeah really. but it could have been worse I'm sure how big was the school?

By eliarivera | 0

#270374 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

First!! Haha. Uh, and fyl

By Fmylifffeee | 0

#270376 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

ahahahahaha i would've done the same i think :]]

and #3 fail

By popsoda | 0

#270380 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:31

could have been worse, you could have farted

By SUSAltd | 0

#270386 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:31

Ouch...

And I'd have to agree with #1. That would be amazing.

By Username_1000 | 0

#270404 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:34

yikes sorry. my sister fainted during a project presentation once

By joshm18 | 0

#270407 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:34

Ugh... Sorry about your experience but it made me chuckle on a day that I needed a good laugh!

By glitchz | 0

#270408 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:34

Think of how many people have this recorded :]

By Tika876 | 18

#270419 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:36

Sorry, at least everyone will remember you.