Today, every girl i've ever been interested in will not text me back or follow up. I barely had any luck back in high school. I thought it would get better. Is this what dating is like in the mid-20's? FML
Today, after my boyfriend ghosted me when he learned I was pregnant, I stormed to his house to tell his wife about us to get back at him. Turns out he gave me a fake address, because the cops were called on me after I screamed at some random woman who lived there. FML
Today, my mother scolded me for having a lighter in my room. My reason I had it? The candle that she bought me for my 25th birthday. I don't even live with her anymore, she showed up uninvited, and started going through my stuff. FML
Today, my supervisor asked me to help him for some modifications on an Excel sheet. I helped him for some stuff, but couldn't help him completely. He said to me, " Try to learn more about Excel, I want someone to satisfy my needs." FML
Today, I came out to my parents and siblings as gay. They were very accepting and asked me why I waited until I was 25 to do so. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was their own homophobic remarks that kept me closeted since I realized it at 14, and that a previous coming-out to a parent was dismissed as 'a phase'. FML
Today, I gave my 10-month-old the house keys to keep her busy. I locked the burglar gate and left the door open. She can walk, and she threw the keys outside the gate. FML
Today, I had my window opened slightly, without a screen behind it. I walked into the living room and smelled a skunk. I looked out the window and saw a skunk, so I quickly closed the window. However, it was too late. Before I could do so, it turned and sprayed me, a few meters of my house, and our front porch too. FML
Today, my wife is pissed I bought a $600 drill set on sale for only $200, because the one I had wasn't strong enough for the job i just started at. Yet the $300 I just spent for her to go to a concert isn't even in a the equation. FML
Today, I'm so nice, I allowed my landlady to use my freezer in the hallway. In exchange, she's so nice, she feels entitled to take my food being stored in said freezer. FML
Today, I was laughingly informed that I'm an overachiever, by my doctor who thinks I have more health conditions than anyone my age should have. Guess who was just diagnosed with another? FML
Today, the girl I’ve been trying to date not only agreed to a date, she invited me back to her place because the date went so well. We were kissing so hard, I struggled to breathe, I coughed, gagged, then vomited my seafood dinner all over her yellow sofa. It all went downhill from there. FML
Today, I cycled to the office in my new uniform pants. When I arrived an hour later, my sweat had already soaked through them. FML
Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML
Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML
Today, after I wore a pad last night, I woke up this morning, took off my underwear to use the bathroom, and a huge period glob flew hit the rug and splattered everywhere. The globs got on every piece if clothing I wore. I then had to clean what looked like a crime scene. FML
Today, despite working out and training in combat sports routinely as a lifestyle, I continue to have nightmares of those who bullied me in middle school in the past. These people can no longer torture me in real life, but still can in my dreams. FML
Today, my roommate is rampaging in the house at 1:00 a.m. because her stuff was moved out of the pantry for the new person, after being asked several times to move it herself. Apparently, she didn't see the text message heads-up, because she refuses to use her phone as a source of connection. FML
Today, it's only been two months since my daughter has owned her home and now she wants to move back to my house because she lost her job and can’t afford the mortgage, plus she got pregnant off a one-night stand and needs my help with the baby. Bang goes my plans for a quiet retirement. FML
Today, I was called a judgemental bitch by my family for not letting my son back home after his release from prison, forgetting that none of them want to house him either, considering he did run me over with my car he was stealing to pay his debts to his drug dealer/prostitute provider. FML
Today, I was dismissed from my job for my poor absence record. I'd not received any formal warnings, and was dismissed on the spot. My absences were because of my disability. He didn't even ask for medical records. FML
Today, I've made it clear to my roommate that I go to the bed at the same time every night, and that I need absolute peace and quiet from that point onward. Apparently, he misheard it as, "Watch American Dad until midnight, and possibly beyond." That theme song is gonna make me go nuts. FML
Today, my boyfriend has been grumpy for days, because his essay on society's fixation with performance, winning awards and getting good grades got a somewhat disappointing grade. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I've heard some weird reasons before, but "My future self told me to" is a new one. FML
Today, in an effort to curb my drinking, I’ve tried eating an apple whenever I got the urge, which worked wonderfully for a couple of days, until the sudden influx of fiber in my diet caused me to violently shit myself miles from home. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I got my boyfriend naked for the first time. He had "Baby Fucker" tattooed over his groin. He had some weird explanation for it, but I couldn't stop thinking about him fucking a baby, and it turned me off massively. I don't think I can keep dating him. FML
Today, my son asked for candy at a supermarket checkout. I said no. He laid on the floor and began screaming as if I'd killed his pet rabbit. Other parents nodded at me in silent sympathy, while strangers judged me with their glares. I bought the candy. He still screamed. FML
Today, I asked my daughter if we could have a memorial table at her wedding for her baby brother who died 21 years ago. To my horror, she lost her shit at me and screamed she wants “one fucking night” to be about her and “not about him.” FML
Today, my wife bumped into my ex-girlfriend from before we met. My wife said that she’s glad she's hotter than her, and we laughed. She has now mentioned this every hour since then, and now insists I list the reasons why she’s hotter. FML
Today, I realised I get called “buddy” and “champ” at work more than I get called my actual name, I’m 27. FML
Today, I was stopped by a customer who told me that I looked like a nice woman. I thanked him for the compliment and pointed out that I was a man. With an obviously male name on my name tag. And visible facial hair. FML
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