Today, my wife’s step-sister asked if she could join us in a three way. My wife actually said yes, but we’re both gym addicts so I like toned girls like my wife, so even though her sister is a lovely lady, I'm not going to be able to get a boner for someone 10 stone overweight. FML
Today, after my husband told me he doesn't enjoy having sex unless he initiates it, my mother-in-law barged into my bedroom only to find me pleasing myself. FML
Today, I've been talking to a chick since early this year and she seems to like me a lot. We were both drinking heavily and were talking on the phone, having a really good time. Suddenly it hangs up. I get her back on the phone just a few minutes later only to hear her getting the bottom knocked out. So much for that. FML
Today, my girlfriend was cool with me having a side piece, until she found out it was a gay guy. She kicked me out and dumped me. I texted him, asking if I could crash on his couch for a while. He thought I wanted a relationship, and cut me off when I said I wasn't interested. FML
Today, I’m walking around the streets with my stuff in a rolling suitcase. My mom saw fit to kick me out of the house because she found sextoys in my room. FML
Today, my boyfriend snuck up behind me while I was naked and whispered in my ear to bend over. I thought this was a lead up to doggy style but nope, he slapped a waxing strip on my exposed bum hole and ran off yelling, “No more hairy hole! No more hairy hole!” FML
Today, my girlfriend teased me by asking if I wanted to fuck her best friend in the ass. Obviously it was a joke, but now I can't stop thinking about it and I know it will never happen. FML
Today, for the first time in years, I heard a certain song on the radio. The song that was playing while I was sexually assaulted. It caused me to have such a bad PTSD episode that I threw up all over my boyfriend and his car. FML
Today, my husband gave our son the sex talk. Maybe it’s because we never talk openly about it, but my husband is into some racy shit. FML
Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied, "Trying to lose your virginity." FML
Today, my wife refuses to sleep with me anymore because it turns out I’m the spitting image of her dad when he abandoned the family when she was a 10. Even I think the resemblance is spooky but now she can’t even think of sex with me without feeling physically sick. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband why a Facebook comment that says, “Such a tight body, I bet you can ride some dick real good!” towards a female friend of his is inappropriate. He insists it’s a compliment and accused me of being a “misogynist” and not supporting “female body positivity.” FML
Today, while my spouse and I were 'doing the do' we went to change positions… but instead we changed the location of their shoulder joint. Fully dislocated. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted a blowjob, shortly after we've started dating. He said to be careful because he blows a massive load. Thinking he's full of crap, I rolled my eyes and got to work. Had him going and then a massive load shot down my throat and a bunch of fire hoses sprayed out my nose. It burned so bad. FML
Today, I got home from my vacation. The last few days of my trip, I stayed at my father's house. I was having trouble sleeping last night so I decided to use a little "discreet" vibrator that I travel with. When I unpacked back home, I realized I'd forgotten the vibrator in my bed at my father's house. I'm mortified. FML
Today, I learned that my girlfriend prefered being fully under the blanket during our first time to avoid being cold and to save electricity. This would've been completely fine by me if she didn't have IBS. Done the math yet? FML
Today, after my wife put hair remover on my chest hair in the shape of a cock and balls I while back, the hair has fully grown back but it’s darker and thicker so you can still see the shape, unless I start keeping it clean shaven all the time. FML
Today, I discovered that when they remove your cancerous prostate, your penis will shrink by the exact length of the removed prostate back up into your body. So not only do I now need pills to get a boner, my boner has shrunk from a respectable 5 inches to just under 3. FML
Today, the girl of my dreams told me she only wants me for sex and not a relationship. Apparently, she thinks that because I left my ex to be with her, that I’ll do the same thing to her. It’s not like I cheated to be with her. I left my ex when I realized I caught feelings for her. FML
Today, my new boss gave everyone a lecture about sexual harassment in the workplace. Which would be fine if he'd been able to tear his gaze off my chest for more than a minute at a time. FML
Today, at 3 a.m., I was woken by my teenage daughter and friends skateboarding in front of the house in their bikinis. After last year's early morning adventures ended with the police calling me, I'd convinced her the rules are different for girls and boys. This morning the best I could do was get them to wear helmets. FML
Middle Age Divorced Dad tells us more.
OP here replying to Nikki - The world is different for sons and daughters. Last summer, when she was 13, she snuck out in the middle of the night and walked 5km to make out with her boyfriend on lawn of a toys'r us. The police called me at 3 in the morning to come pick her up. (my previous FML) As much as I try and treat my sons and daughters the same, it really isn't safe for a young girl to be walking alone in the middle of the night. That's also why I couldn't really demand her and her friends come in, since her older brothers would go skate boarding in the middle of the night. At least she was out right outside our house so I knew she was safe.
Today, I found one of those realistic, expensive sex dolls in my boyfriend's cupboard. I asked why on earth he had that and apparently it’s for all those filthy, violent sexual things he likes to do, but knows most women would never even agree to try. Um, WHAT? FML
Today, my boyfriend came back from basic training, gave me a kiss, turned me around, pulled down my pants to eat my ass, and said, "I missed this." Thanks, I'm glad you missed my asshole over me. FML
Today, my neighbor pointed at me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML
Today, I found out my husband is a sugar daddy to a 19 year-old college girl. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with it because, “It’s not like we have sex or anything, just friendship” and gave me a lecture about how just because he’s married doesn’t mean he can’t have friends. He’s 53. FML
Today, my husband went out for a walk. My kids were tucked in bed and all the chores were done, so I finally had time to myself in a long time. I just wanted to watch porn and masturbate, but then my husband returned early to kiss me good night, and my son snuggled into my bed as he had a nightmare. Me time? Lol. FML
Today, I realized that it's not just the dog who's cockblocking me and not letting me get close. My girlfriend, whom I live with, rejects practically every advance. Of course, during her shark week, at least I get an excuse. I average once a month if I'm lucky. FML
Today, even though I diet and go to the gym, due to my hypothyroidism I'm now so overweight that when I went to hospital for an unrelated check up, the gorgeous nurse actually had to press and move around my fat-filled groin to make my penis pop out of its hiding place under the skin. I hate myself. FML
Today, I found out that when you and your boyfriend are having sex and you say, “I wanna have your baby” and he says, “Yes baby” and ejaculates inside you, it doesn’t mean he’s gonna stay. He said in his defense, “You said you wanted to have my baby, I never said I agreed to be a father.” FML
Today, wanting to surprise my boyfriend, I shaved everything "down there." When he saw the result, he burst out laughing and said I looked like a plucked chicken. FML
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