Today, I was alone at my dad's house. I was furiously masturbating when I knocked something over. It was my grandmother's ashes. FML
Today, my parents found my box of condoms. I'm 20, so it's no big deal, and they commended my responsibility. What they don't know is I don't talk to any girls, and I bought those condoms to jerk off into. FML
Today, I took a girl on a date. This girl is tiny, about 4 ft 10 and petite. She ordered a 16 inch pizza, garlic bread, wings, fries, and multiple drinks, and damn if she didn’t eat every bite of it, it was impressive. Until we were screwing later and she vomited the whole meal down my chest. FML
Today, my boyfriend brought home some expensive ice cream and we licked it off of each other. It was fun until we learned that dried ice cream on skin smells almost exactly like puke. FML
Today, my wife told me she doesn’t understand why I’m uncomfortable with her being the moderator of “Sex Talk” forum, the top pinned message board of which is “Adultery Cuckolding.” FML
Today, I found out I’m gonna be a father. One day, I accidentally walked in on my sister-in-law changing. For some reason I’ll never understand, we ended up having a quickie doggystyle and swore to not talk about it ever again. She’s now 6 weeks pregnant. I’m a dead man if my wife finds out. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband, who lost 250 pounds and has never been healthier, that no, he does not get a pass to sleep around to "make up" for all the sex he missed when he was young and fat. FML
Today, I’m 9 months pregnant, and my due date is less than a week away. The dad? Some random guy whose name I don’t know who fucked me in a tent at Coachella while I was drunk of my ass. FML
Today, my thoughts are filled with fantasies of pleasuring my boss under his desk, to the point where it distracts me from job duties. I take a break and wank at work, and then I return to my normal way of thinking and how much I love my wife and how happy I am. Lust really can blind someone to what is important. FML
Today, I had awesome sex with my ex. Again. I broke up with her a few weeks ago as she admittedly hadn't been attracted to me anymore in a long time. Now she says that after we broke up she doesn't feel any pressure anymore, and can enjoy sex with me again like she did before she moved in with me. FML
Today, when I came home, my girlfriend was in sexy lingerie, and said it was a surprise for me. Sounds awesome, right? Too bad she was drenched in sweat and the room smelled like sex. I looked in the closet, only to get punched in the face by a naked guy. FML
Today, my wife asked me to smack her ass as a sign of affection, so I did, she liked it, and we had sex. This afternoon I walked past and smacked her ass again. I now have a bruised eye, ringing in my left ear, and a severe warning to never do that again. Why? FML
Today, I realized my success rates for sex in my committed relationship were really, really low, so I've decided to stop trying for a while. I also recently have learned Excel. I made a pretty complex tracker if I ever decide to try again to monitor failures. FML
Today, I had unprotected sex with my 63 year-old friend. I’ve been told I would have trouble ever conceiving naturally. Now he’s worried I'm pregnant. It wouldn’t be so bad if his we weren’t both married. Here’s to hoping I’m not, and if so this baby comes out with brown eyes like mine and my husband's. FML
Today, I literally caught my husband with his prick in another woman’s mouth and he had the nerve, the actual nerve, to tell me, "It’s not what it looks like, babe", all while trying to stuff his lipstick-coated knob back in his pants. CRETIN. IDIOT. CHEATING SCUM. FML
Today, I had to make a house rule for my extended family who live with me: No more incestuous sex. FML
Today, I knew micropenises existed, I just never expected I’d see one in person after spending weeks building my anticipation of losing my virginity, getting naked in front of him, then being presented with half a cocktail sausage. Even if we had sex I think I’d still be a virgin. FML
Today, my girlfriend refuses to follow her doctor-mandated diet, which results in, among other things, utterly rancid gas. It's so foul that I've taken to sleeping on the couch, and I'm seriously considering hiring a prostitute so I can have sex without gagging on the stench. FML
Today, I found out my husband of four years has been cheating on me with his boss, who had been kind and treated me well. I never suspected it until I caught them in OUR bed. All he would ever do was come home and complain about how hard his job was. I guess that wasn't the only thing that was hard. FML
Today, I'm ending a 35 year marriage. In the last few months, my husband has told me that he has been preferring porn to me since before we were married, he has had multiple affairs, he always knew his family was toxic and messing with me. Oh, and he wants us to, "Move on and have a happy retirement together." FML
Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML
Today, I found out why this reputable personal trainer resigned from our local gym. My wife started an affair with him and he thought it was better to quit so their relationship could be ethical. The worst part of all of this? Our 1.5 year old son is actually his and not mine. FML
Today, I found a necklace on Marketplace identical to one my wife lost years ago, so I agreed on a price and drove over to get it for Christmas. There was no necklace and I now know that prostitutes will pretend to sell an item they’re photographed wearing, when in fact they are selling themselves. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 8 years is still cheating on me with the girl that he was caught sexting on my birthday back in July. His response was that if I didn't hang out with my friends on the weekends, he wouldn't have to find someone to entertain him all week. We live together. FML
Today, my mother-in-law berated me for not being pregnant yet, so I yelled at her that since she guilted us into letting her move into our house, she never goes out, our bedrooms share a wall, and she has the hearing of a bat, none of which helps me or my husband have any sexy time. It’s been 4 months FML
Today, I, a 29 year-old, healthy female who has never done anal, felt the urge to fart while working on my computer. However, it then felt like I was going to be poop, so did a mini sprint to my bathroom. Unfortunately, my anus let go and I shat myself. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I was talking to my girlfriend when she said, "Babe, I'm not trying to be rude but your cum tastes horrible." I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Okay." Apparently, me saying that means i won't try to make my cum taste better, which I can "definitely do", and now she's mad at me. FML
Today, I fucked up by talking with a girl on Instagram, only for "her" to be a "him" and make me pay him $1000 so he wouldn't leak my private pics. FML
Today, the guy I was seeing told me he only wants to be friends. Every guy I've dated in the last 10 years has lost interest after we've had sex for the first time, and nobody will tell me why or what I did wrong. I'm going to die alone and I don't even know why. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around when her dad burst in, proclaimed an, “Aha! I caught you you pervert!” moment and threw me out of the house. We’re in our 30s with kids, and jointly own that house. Having a father in law with Alzheimer's is great isn’t it? Just fecking great. FML
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