Today, I realized my success rates for sex in my committed relationship were really, really low, so I've decided to stop trying for a while. I also recently have learned Excel. I made a pretty complex tracker if I ever decide to try again to monitor failures. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML
Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML
Today, a nurse asked me how many sexual partners I’ve had in the last six months and as I started counting in my head, I realised I need to make better life choices before an STD makes my crotch shrivel up and die. FML
Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML
Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML
Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML
Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML
Today, my husband asked if we could have more sex, because we spend every day together, but if he wanted celibacy, he’d have stayed single and spent time with his friends. He then pulled out a diary proving we’ve only had sex twice this year. I was completely unaware it was so infrequent. Whoops. FML
Today, I realised I may have some kind of problem, given that I masturbate daily, and sex with my wife no longer interests me because it takes too long, involves her instead of me alone, is too much hard work, and generally annoys me. FML
Today, it's been exactly one year since I’ve had sex, and even that was because my wife caught me masturbating and helped me out with a zero effort handjob that was over in 15 seconds, since I’d already done 90% of the work. FML
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Top comments
core01 30
tracking sexual intimacy is so romantic. i can't imagine why women aren't flocking to be logged in your excel spreadsheet
BB_Skylar 22
end this stale stagnant "romance" and work on yourself. are you physically and emotionally in shape? what is your attachment style? are you a good listener? do you try to make her feel good in a bedroom setting ie eating her out, foreplay, being in the moment, asking what would you like, do you like this etc. work on yourself, and the next one will want to screw you more
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Comments (2)
core01 30
tracking sexual intimacy is so romantic. i can't imagine why women aren't flocking to be logged in your excel spreadsheet
BB_Skylar 22
end this stale stagnant "romance" and work on yourself. are you physically and emotionally in shape? what is your attachment style? are you a good listener? do you try to make her feel good in a bedroom setting ie eating her out, foreplay, being in the moment, asking what would you like, do you like this etc. work on yourself, and the next one will want to screw you more