The best jokes about life

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

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Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

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Today, I received my first dick pic from my boyfriend. Problem is, we broke up 3 weeks ago and his next message said, "Oops, sorry, wrong person." FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Thanks, I hate it

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Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 00:30

Not a biology major

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Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me via a meme. What the fuck? With a friend of mine as well. FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 22:57

Meme wars

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Today, my ex-boyfriend is still stalking me after several years. I asked him why he doesn't just move on and let me be. He replied that I drove him crazy one time when we were intimate. FML

By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 16:59

No one is that good in bed, surely

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Today, the girl who lived downstairs and who was also sleeping with my guy moved out. She left a stack of my mail she had been taking at my door. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 20:01

Parting gift

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Today, my boyfriend said he regrets loving or even meeting me because of the distance between us, and because I won't send nudes. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 17:01 - Panama - Cuba

Send nudes

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Today, I found out why my boyfriend always has sex with me like he hates me. Turns out, he actually hates me. FML

By xenutja - 29/1/2021 13:02 - United States - Amery

Hate sex

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Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 11:01

Judgmental

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Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 05:01

Rookie mistake

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Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 23:01

Right in the pecker

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Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 00:58 - United States - Edmond

Say nothing

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Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 02:01

Alcoholics of the world, get help

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Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

By Really jealous - 26/1/2021 09:31 - India

Creeped out

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Today, my ex-girlfriend called me say she needed her car repaired. I fixed it as fast as I could so she could get back on her way, only to find out she’s on her way to my friend's place to have her guts rearranged. FML

By Brenden - 25/1/2021 13:59

Sucker

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Today, I'm horny as hell, but I'm such a germaphobe that I don't want to be touched by anyone else, and now, after looking in the mirror and seeing how disgusting I look, I can't even touch myself, not with a vibrator, my hand or a 10-foot pole. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 22:59

Woman DESTROYS her sex life with FACTS and some sort of LOGIC

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Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

By ThatIsNotIt - 24/1/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Underperforming

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Today, my fiance told me that his father would need to check my hymen is intact to ensure I'm pure before we get married. This is a new one. FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 17:01 - Australia

Traditions suck

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Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/1/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Mystery

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Today, I drunkenly hooked up with a meth dealer I just met online. Of course this occurred at his place, since he's on home detention for drug trafficking - ankle bracelet and all. Worst part? I really liked it. FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 14:31 - Australia - Adelaide

Confused

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Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 23:01

Cool moves

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Today, since I've been falling for the girl I've been sleeping with for the past couple of months, I decided it was time for us to talk about making things official and exclusive. I was confident she'd feel the same way. Then I found out she's an escort. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 20:02 - Canada - Kitchener

In the dark

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Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:02

Too Much Information

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Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 23:01

Supportive

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Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

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Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

By kikuhime - 17/1/2021 02:01

Oh, hello

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Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

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