Today, whilst we were doing the deed, my boyfriend thought it would be super funny to say, "How does it feel to have a teenager inside of you?" He's 18 and I'm 20, with a year and a half between us. Mood RUINED. FML
Today, my wife snapped at me for never having sex with her. Any time I try, she tells me to stop, but apparently sometimes she wants me to ignore her pleas and keep going. Sometimes she actually wants me to stop, though, and she won't tell me how to differentiate the two. Help. FML
Today, I think I've reached that point in my marriage where sex is reserved for Valentine's Day, my birthday (maybe), and our anniversary. Which is fine, I expected it to come at some point, just not when I was in my 30s. FML
Today, I found out my ex was sleeping around with others without a condom. FML
Today, for the third time this week, I came home to my wife asleep in bed, her pants down, and her vibrator in her hand. She keeps refusing sex because she "isn't in the mood" and insists there's nothing wrong. To rub salt in the wound, I bought her the vibrator as a gift, hoping to spice things up. FML
Today, I had a seizure and went to the hospital. Turns out, when you put in a tampon, forget, then get horny, your dildo can push the tampon all the way up to your cervix, where it will fester until you become septic. I'm now on antibiotics and horribly ill, but at least I know why I've been so tired recently. FML
Today, it's been four months since I bought my girlfriend the vibrator she'd been wanting. She hasn't wanted sex since. FML
Today, I told my husband I was horny and wanted to get it on. He agreed but first he had to finish the chapter he was reading, watch his show on Netflix, argue with strangers on Facebook, then do his workout. He had the nerve to cop an attitude when I was no longer in the mood. FML
Today, my husband was cold and distant towards me for the third day in a row, and I finally demanded an answer. He showed me a video of me drunkenly confessing to him that I don't find him sexually exciting, and that my abusive ex was way better in the bedroom. Fuck, I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML
Today, I finally decided I was sick of watching porn all the damn time and deleted the messaging apps I use for it. Now I've realized how attached I'd gotten to the freaks on there. I'm painfully sad and lonely now and I can't recover the accounts. FML
Today, I learned that my brother is having sex with my aunt. Disgusted, I told my mom how wrong that is. She said, "Well, they're both adults, so we just kind of pretend it's not happening" and shrugged. We don't even live in the South, we live in a civilized city. This is so fucked up. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my parents found out I was having sex because I was digging for something in my purse and I inadvertently pulled out some condoms. I was kicked out of their house, because if I’m “old enough to lay down with another man” I’m old enough to get my own place. I work at Chipotle part time. FML
Today, my husband won’t have sex with me anymore because he can’t be bothered. That’s been his excuse for almost three weeks, but he insists there’s nothing wrong, he just doesn’t want to. For reference, we had sex almost every day before this, so this is very abnormal behavior. FML
Today, I was rushing around like a lunatic trying to get my shit together and knocked on my son's door a few times. The fourth time I did it, he shouted at me to just fuck off already because he’s trying to have a wank. Oops, and TMI son, TMI. FML
Today, and every day for the past five months since I got married, whenever my husband and I try to have sex, I think of it as "wifely duties" and it turns me off so much. I can't stop, and we haven't had sex once. My husband is frustrated and angry, and keeps commenting that he should have known this would happen. FML
Today, I asked my husband what he'd think of a threesome. He said, "The fun wouldn't be worth the stress, it's a drama bomb waiting to happen." What a bore. FML
Today, I snapped a tendon in my knee during cowgirl position. My boyfriend was “so close to finishing” that he asked if he could just slip it back inside for a few seconds while we waited for the ambulance, “since you’re already lying down, Babe.” If I could stand, I’d have hit him. FML
Today, my husband asked if he could join Tinder for some “hookups and that’s it” because he’s tired of jerking off. I told him, “Absolutely not.” He thinks I’m being selfish and inconsiderate. I’m 7 months pregnant; in fact, I offered to have pregnant sex with him. He said that my belly turns him off, “no offense.” FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went out with one of her guy friends. After two bars, we ended up back at her place and somehow the three of us ended up in bed. I was a Gold Star Lesbian and now I'm just a slutty bi girl. FML
Today, I had to have a conversation with my husband about how my toes have gone numb from the diabetes that it's no longer sexy when he sucks my toes, because it just feels odd and uncomfortable to be honest. FML
Today, I have an amazing girlfriend. She’s smart, funny, educated, gets along with my friends and family, but she’s such a snooze in the sack, it makes me miss my psycho ex. That woman was a toxic mess of a person but she could do things that would make a porn star blush. What’s wrong with me? FML
Today, I reached a limit I wasn’t aware I had when I had to tell my husband we’re not having shower sex anymore because he’s gotten so big since he retired, we don’t both comfortably fit in there anymore. FML
Today, I overheard my parents talking. It went something like “Walk it off, you’ll be fine”, “I will not be fine, it’s leaking”, “Well sit on a towel then”, “A man should not squish when he sits”, “Remember that next time you think about doing it to me.” I dread to think what was leaking out of my dad, or where. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having spontaneous sex on the sofa when he suddenly pulled out and sat back down, boner waving like a flagpole, because half time was over on the football and he hadn’t thought the sex would take so long. Let's see if he ever gets sex again, tosser. FML
Today, my husband is a normal man in his thirties with a receding hairline and a dad bod. So why am I insanely attracted to him and just want to always have sex with him or do things to him? I can't stop myself. I just turn on when I see him and start sucking his cock. He can't keep up and hates it. FML
Today, I woke up earlier than most days, I spooned my wife, gently massaging her back and letting her feel I was ready for play. She finally woke up, got dressed, and didn’t give a damn. I had to work it out myself once again. FML
Today, I opened the bathroom door without knocking and walked in on my wife’s sister (who lives with us) showering naked. Seeing her perfect, drenched body turned me on. I'm now unable to get an erection with my wife, because I can’t remember the last time her body looked like that. I feel awful. FML
Today, after her shower, my wife bent over naked in front of me so I went to dive in face-first, and she farted in my face for laughs. The thing is I physically saw some pieces of shit fly out and land on my shoe, and this was after her shower when she should have been clean as a whistle. FML
Today, my husband announced he was leaving me for a girl he met at work because she “has a hotter body” and “looks better in bed during sex.” I gave birth to his kid earlier this year. I said I was gonna bleed him dry on child support and alimony, and he said, “So? I can afford it. I make 6 figures a year.” FML
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