Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML
Today, I found out that my husband, who I've just separated from, and my mother, who I don't speak to because she's crazy, have been bitching about me behind my back. FML
Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML
Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with coworkers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and my mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML
Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend at her request, because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received four calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML
Today, my boyfriend just told me that his mom told him to break up with me, and that she would pay him to do it. His mom is a bitch. FML
Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML
Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML
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Top comments
LouisianaBob 9
You could kick your mom to the curb and not invite her over for holidays.
ters19 10
That seems like something my family would do
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Comments (193)
ters19 10
That seems like something my family would do
LiveLaughLaugh 9
Word.
bravesfan112233 0
Cat fight?
SCREAM4meeee 0
Happy holidays :)
jkmartinjk 16
Monster-in-laws
skyguy89 0
I know your pain man, moms never like who you pick so just got to except that and love who your with.
narf887 4
Meh u should of left her sorry ass and changed the locks on your house and to be honest just tell your mom it help remember friends are there but family is forever :)
memily63 12
In this case the mother is the one who instigated this issue. And once you marry someone you make them part of your family too. OP should definitely not leave his wife!
Caramelox 3
So who was winning the fist fight?
wegetrz 14
That sounds like the wife is a straight boss..wish I was bold/crazy enough to throw blows with my douchey mil.
nalia18 8
Mother knows best
LiveLaughFML 10
#31: lol i dunno about your family but my grandma loves all of her six sons wives and her daughter's husband :-)
AnonymousTroll 2
So how is your job going?
nalia18 8
On the holidays, when my mom and wife attack I got my dream job, so my mom tells my wife to pack My wife has a broken arm, and my mom cant see I cant wait till my mom goes home and then i will be free Jingle hell jingle hell I think im screwed I will just hide in my room witha 12pack of mountan dew HEY!!
AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12
Haha, only in Oklahoma... :P
powderbluetang 11
90 - seriously epic! Ha
fatgirllovesfml 0
Shit just got real.
starryxeyes 2
Ditto 1, though they never got in an actual fist fight I'm sure there was more than one occasion where my mom wanted to hit my grandma for all of the shit she put her through...Luckily for me I'll never have to go through that, cause not only does my MIL like me, she also lives in a different country.
Llama_Face89 34
31- the word you are looking for is accept.
cuntthor 0
You suck penis ******
iloveshim 14
Good luck and a merry Christmas!
Palirose 22
#90 zing! Truly epic you are. xD
LouisianaBob 9
You could kick your mom to the curb and not invite her over for holidays.
indielove 13
Am I the only one thinking Jerry Springer?
thaCODgod 4
Yeah his moms a bitch
hinchkongfang 0
If she's such a bitch, why invite her in the first place??
NeatNit 33
There is no such thing as "HAVE to spend the holidays together".
futtbuck101 1
She probably flew in from another state. I suggest she stays at a hotel in the meantime.
RA661 8
Did it ever occur to you guys that she might have a justification for her actions? Why just jump on the mother ad the bad one?
amayasoma 19
Even if the mother had a justified reason for starting such a thing, she shouldn't have boldly said it to the wife like that without some consequences. The mother should TRY to be happy with whoever her son picks as a wife. The son could damn well just say "**** you mom" and never invite his mother to any get togethers. If the wife is a stay at home mom (if they have kids) she chooses to be and he obviously has no problem with it. Some people prefer it that way. As to the OP, sorry you got such drama in your life. Try sitting down with your mother and explaining to her that this is the woman you want in your life and your mother just has to accept it. And if that doesn't work, tell your mother that until she can knock off the bitchy attitude, you won't be seeing her for a while. I don't know. Those are just options.
zbajis 7
92 I won't read that long of a comment this late at night so I will assume its educated and makes a good point. Thumbs up.
leogirl95 12
Lecture comments...lol
a_cassie 4
people get so serious!
bamagrl410 31
80 - If the mother were justified, I would assume that the OP wouldn't be posting an FML about the situation. Clearly he DIDN'T think the mother was justified, which is why this is on here.
Daralea 21
Moms...so glad I only have one of them.
alliewillie 22
You don't seem to be sticking up for your wife much in this situation. If it were my mom saying things like that to my husband - she wouldn't be invited back until she learned to be polite. Simple. She apparently knows she can get away with it though, so - grow a pair. Tell her she's inappropriate.
anonymous100000 17
yeah. OP, you don't HAVE to spend holodays together. grow a pair, act like a man and defend your wife and if your mom doesn't agree then don't force them to spend holidays together.
jamesd333 3
Gotta love the inlaw fights
GuitarFail123 9
yup, just bundles of fun right?
thisisafunnyname 12
Puts the "fun" in dysfunctional family
baileylovesyouu 0
that's a good one :P
RachelBerry_fml 5
That's a fun time ...
Shrike 24
OP's from Oklahoma. Am I the only one thinking the wife and mother are the same person? She sounds like she needs to cut the masochism out for her own safety.
G0t4acked 8
Stereotypical bastard.
ArmoredDuckling 0
Go **** yourself. Kthxbai.
lillibug93 0
What a ridiculous comment.
Shrike 24
That's right folks, the ridiculous part should've tipped you off that it was a joke. A shit joke, yeah, but still a joke. Sure are some uptight internet macho men around here..
Corygerm 9
that's a good joke. screw what they say
j_cat187 20
There is a fine line between being funny and being an asshole. You are standing on that line.
Shrike 24
Yeah? You wanna see pure asshole, go over to the photograph FML and take a look at Perdix. You're such a concerned citizen, stop wasting your fake offense on me and go chew that bigshot out, I'll be watching and waiting :))
GabbyCharityM 0
I'm from Oklahoma & that's not funny at all. Its rather insulting. Where you live has to have ****** up familes too. So you need to shut your stereotypical mouth & **** yo' couch.
ikickgingers 15
**** yo couch? Like slide your **** in between the cushions like it's a fifi bag? I am not familiar with this?? Please clarify for the New Yorker...
Alex94xela 0
It's simple lift up the cushion put lube In and jam your penis in between the cushion And chair and have fun
Alex94xela 0
It's simple lift up the cushion put lube In and jam your penis in between the cushion And chair and have fun
eeppiicc 8
**** yo couch must be a Oklahoman thing then. :)
doctor_awesome 8
**** yo couch is a Rick James quote. The comment was irrelevant, but I thought I'd clear up the "oklahoma thing" predicament you all seem to be in lol
murphy22 6
Hey easy now people. Im a proud oklahoman but I will admit we have a mix of all types of people here. Trailer trash, Rednecks, country people (there's a huge huge difference trust me lol) low class, gangsters, city people ( who are honestly stupider then the rednecks most of the time) middle class, even some highly educated upper class. Hell we have alot of california relocations so we can't be that full of trailer trash Jerry springer show wannabes lol no making fun of us as a people, feel free to make fun of how we give directions though!!
blackheart24 10
You pretty much confirmed the ppl from Oklahoma have issues if you guys **** couches there... Just sayin
Confuciussay 6
88 - It is from "the Chappelle Show" one of the skits that included Rick James.
bamagrl410 31
Actually, it's some new phrase that people use to intend more disrespect than just a simple f you. It basically means f you & your property. However, 78 kinda used it in the wrong context. Ah well, still funny.
elementalz 2
Trolls will troll o well
karagarren 8
People make jokes about incest being big where I live. It is just a joke. No need to be upset unless you are in to incest and fond it insulting that others are looking down upon it.
VaanBasch 1
Shrike is a pretty awesome person.
Alexisthebestest 16
The difference between you & Perdix is that he is funny & you are not.
iDaniel525 8
Ahh, good ol' family time!
MissLyonsBaby 4
Hahahahaha so your wife hit her? Classy lady you have there!
bizarre_ftw 22
Well at least he knows his kids will always be safe
kroekdog 7
Keep the bitch in line
sillyboo 4
you know ;)
SolanumX 6
Your referring to the mom, correct?
djth3t4ank 4
You're bad at using correct grammar, correct?
RacerX1695 1
Reminds me of a time when my mom kicked my ass to the curb. It was that day that I bought my iPod, laptop and my first cardboard box home…
X030X 0
This comment fails.
seeinghourglass 0
you're a car
NoobHat 6
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
tellithowitis 13
Run before Tom gets you!!!!
KiddNYC1O 22
Steve! Steve! Steve!
jamesd333 3
Fail^