Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

by johnG / 12/21/2009 at 10:23am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2009 at 3:29am / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, I bought a laptop so that I could have dirty video chats with my internet girlfriend. I got home only to find that the only place I can get a decent wifi signal is in front of my mom's room. FML

by thatguy / 12/20/2009 at 7:20pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2009 at 2:57pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

by VCR / 12/20/2009 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

by omglifee / 12/19/2009 at 11:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2009 at 6:53am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

by eatmyshipoopie / 12/18/2009 at 10:20am / United Kingdom (Neath Port Talbot) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. He went to the restroom and I thought that I'd surprise him with my clothes off for when he came back. I heard him walk back into the room so I got into position. It wasn't him. It was his mom. FML

by Jssceli09 / 12/18/2009 at 3:25am / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

by turriblebday / 12/17/2009 at 10:35am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

by Unsatisfied / 12/16/2009 at 1:15am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2009 at 9:20pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

by Gassy / 12/14/2009 at 5:24pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy