Pikachu Fail

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

Proactive

Or he's just becoming an old goober

In my day…

By lingadoo - 7/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

31908

4824

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2018 01:30

When you lie on your resume to get the job

3194

312

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

By reasonablysingle - 11/6/2016 03:27 - Australia - Greystanes

14228

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1229

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

22142

1548

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

By far23 - 15/7/2009 19:44 - United States

13597

53697

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

By T - 1/10/2010 09:09 - France

35721

3715

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

By ailat0107 - 31/5/2009 16:46 - United States

50034

5618

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 10:28 - United Kingdom

39480

2913

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 05:18 - United States

38836

5392

Today, the heater went out at work. I was shivering so hard that someone thought I was having a seizure. FML

By Frozen - 10/3/2014 14:23 - United States

43476

4024

Today, at work, I found out that they are taking all bonus pay away, but giving us an extra $1 an hour due to Covid-19. Last week, they laid off half my department. Those people laid off are making more money on unemployment than I am now. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 17:00

Eat the rich

1722

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

By auntoftheyear - 10/8/2011 04:46 - United States

38212

9998

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2016 23:43 - United Kingdom - Broseley

18623

1526

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

By anonymous - 27/11/2014 03:33 - United States - Butler

30552

7683

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

By pancakessdsjsn - 27/9/2013 06:04 - United States - Lake Forest

42345

3089

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML

By I hate games - 18/8/2015 20:17 - United States - Belton

23947

5161

Today, I was walking around my new school trying to figure out where to go. Then I realized I was talking to myself. Out loud. FML

By itsawonderfulife - 23/2/2010 06:25 - United States

22456

10691

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

By freakedout - 11/4/2014 02:32 - United States - Louisa

57955

5670

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

By Username - 19/5/2011 22:46 - United States

41082

7919

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

By Sarah - 25/8/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

71447

10367

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

By crier - 27/8/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

50437

12382

Today, I found out that my intense acne is actually an allergic reaction to the "deep clean" product I've been using to reduce it. I've been using this product for the past ten years. Ten years of suffering through "acne" could have been easily avoided. FML

By DeepCleanAcne - 2/9/2017 20:00

3694

1111

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

1644

263

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML

By nycgirl424 - 5/2/2009 22:29 - United States

69466

3148

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

By Ballhugger - 6/12/2009 20:42 - Canada

29397

11052

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Modern romance...

1635

8477

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

By Loveless - 9/4/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

4110

401

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

By Fartnonymous - 18/8/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

22549

2621

Today, while waiting for my mom to pick me up from university, I took out my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I didn't think people still pointed and laughed, but apparently they do when your mom pulls up and shouts, "Stop pretending to talk to someone." FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

12847

33246

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

By Bellagirl - 19/7/2010 07:10 - United States

38316

5455

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

By sarahh38 - 16/9/2009 18:23 - Canada

23123

105157

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

By Blerp - 22/1/2017 10:00

6632

568

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

By echo - 11/5/2016 18:59 - United States - Schaumburg

12058

1342

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

By rolyat - 1/5/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

36270

3957

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 16:00

1625

124

Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML

By tkdbb11790 - 20/11/2019 14:00

Threesome

769

4446

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

By Anonymous - 10/3/2012 14:20 - United States

41946

5865

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

By Anonymous - 27/1/2018 19:00

Heart = Broken

4220

1037

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

By BlueBirdWings - 31/5/2019 02:30

1399

262