Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML
Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML
Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML
Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
enriquepp 4
Well I guess instead of masturbating you can call it snake handling now.
daviddupree 0
That sucks dude
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (155)
daviddupree 0
That sucks dude
aruam365 24
Why is she dating you if she doesn't want to do anything sexual with you? I know sex isn't everything but it's damn important.
LaughinStock 16
Op maybe shes rooting for the other team and she's just with you for another reason. :-/
SecretMe00 5
That's what I was thinking 20.. OP's girlfriend seems like she'd have more fun with me then him. Lol
Feared 9
Actually, it doesn't "suck".
swankmrpancake 8
It might suck she said she wouldn't touch it she never said she wouldn't blow it
dominic1221 6
39- Uh-oh, get ready to be buried by all the defensive teenagers and other "men" that can't imagine actually controlling their little dicks. :O
ehllychan 10
#39 It's not the most important, but it's one thing if she says she's not ready *yet*, and another entirely different one if she says that she'll *never* want to get close to his dick.
DjeePee 25
True, 49, true. But I think that the most important thing in this issue is her age. If she's seventeen and find penises slash intercourse horrifying, then she (and OP) has a serious issue. However, if she's about 14 years old, time will probably change her opinion about this subject. Your comment made me remember the 14-year-old "I will never give a ******* because it's disgusting!" me. The *never* has become a lie, eventhough I was really convinced about it at that time. So let's hope that OP's girlfriend will also become more mature about it. Sex isn't everything, but I think it's the most deeply and intense expression of the love between two human beings.
HaniahAhmad 0
What do you mean 'are not that important?' shouldn't it be 'is not that important?' I'm no grammar nazi, but that mistake is a grade school error...
dominic1221 6
If you bothered checking his profile you'd see he lives in Vestfold which is in Norway, so English probably isn't his first language, moron. You're not a Grammar Nazi - you're an idiot looking for an internet fight.
HypnoClown 0
I don't think it's right to say she has a serious issue if she's 17 and finds a penis horrifying - she might be a lesbian.
n_epic_fail 14
No, it doesn't "suck."
desireev 18
If a woman still feels that way at the age of 21, then there's a problem. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 years old. And, up until I turned 20, I still was really uncomfortable with it. I think 21 is a safe age for one to know if they're sexually comfortable or not. OP, give her time. She may come around. When the time does come around, let her know how you feel about it. Sex is nothing to be disgusted about or ashamed of. It just needs to happen at the right time when the feelings are mutual between the two of you. Hang in there, OP! :)
boopityboppity 11
Keep in mind, 49, that the FML is written from the OP's point of view; the "never" may be an exaggeration. An alternate possibility, for example, is that she just doesn't want to in the immediate future, and the OP may have misunderstood or misrepresented her wording.
drdraaman 0
You really had to bring that into this? :P
downtime 13
43, Prepare to be thumbed up by the narrow minded self involved assholes who can't accept that others may have a different way of thinking about their own lives and that, despite being none of your ******* business, because it doesn't ascribe to the definitive romantic archetype it must therefore be wrong.
dominic1221 6
That's fine, but the people who thumbed this guy down just for saying (neutrally, non-offensively) that sex isn't a big deal to him, are pretty easy to read. Besides, what makes you think your input is welcomed? Go post your long winded, pretentious, crap somewhere else. You must have a lot of time on your hands to go constantly trying sucking the humor out of every other FML and taking the side of the underdog even when you obviously don't buy into the views you're defending. Very sad. Act your age.
downtime 13
What gave you the idea I thought my input is welcomed? I don't really care if it is or isn't...It exists, get over it. I appreciate that you seem to be following my comments though. I'll be sure to post more often so you've got something worth reading.
RoseCrystal 17
There's a first time for everything.
Feared 9
Well at least you don't have to worry about Indiana Jones molesting you.
JurassicHole 5
It's because of her pussy troll, Pillowpants, she doesn't want him to bite your "thing" off.
The_Troller 14
Ummm... wut?
JurassicHole 5
78 - Watch the movie "Clerks 2", I was referencing a scene from the movie. It's also, in my opinion, one of the funniest movies around.
tennisrapper1 14
Guess you're not getting any! :(
EduJav321 24
You don't say
SirSquishyPants 1
I think he did
asiandude801 4
And she's your girlfriend why?
I_AmTheStig 0
Because a relationship is more than just sex? Maybe she's a super model or something and doesn't want to have sex or something. And she is just teasing him really bad.
kcircuses 1
or maybe she's a bitch
TraeThaTruth07 7
Forgive my confusion but... What does being a supermodel have to do with not wanting to have sex? What did I miss?
kcircuses 1
or maybe she's a bitch
Bladian 5
32, just stop. Would you seriously date someone that joked around about something like that and, apparently, had ZERO interest in sex? Yeah, relationships aren't all about sex. But there has to be some degree of intimacy.
Lythiaren 8
Agreed, 62. But asexuality is an actual thing, despite the gross misrepresentation on House a little while ago. 'Intimacy' does not require sex.
ProhibitionRose 14
Or maybe she's a bitchy lesbian? And just doesn't realize the lesbian part?
KeyboardWarrior 10
An asexual creature is one that reproduces on its own if I'm correct... Correct me if I'n wrong but human beings are not nor have ever been asexual.
drawmyhearton_fml 3
Asexual for humans means "not interested by sex"
wlddog 14
There is no way anyone would date a woman that would refuse to ever touch her mans penis. Unless of course that man WANTS a life void of pleasure. Have heard of self mutilating people before. Maybe she can eventually find someone that hates themselves enough to stick around her.
tygerarmy 35
Unless you're still in high school you should probably break up with her.
Lythiaren 8
94, that's asexual reproduction. Asexuality as it applies to humans is an identity or an orientation. You know, like how 'homosexual' is an orientation. 102, you're just a little off the mark. It's not a simple disinterest, we actually don't experience sexual attraction. Many aces do have sex drives and enjoy the act of sex, but to some of us it's little more than recreation, and has about as much meaning in our partnerships as going out to lunch. It's just a thing.
MedKits 9
109- Sex is not the only to obtain pleasure...
wlddog 14
143- it doesn't matter what it can be used for, because he will be using it by himself. What possible good could ever come from a relationship where the woman refuses to be around his unit ever? It only causes mental pain for him his entire life. Yeah right, sign ME up for a lifetime of rejection.
wlddog 14
143- what kind of arts and crafts did you have in mind? Do you use yours to make ballon animals?
enriquepp 4
Well I guess instead of masturbating you can call it snake handling now.
Heinousness 0
Hahaha... Not funny.
Heinousness 0
Haha... Not funny. Not a good joke. OP, nice girlfriend.
enriquepp 4
Must have been better than you thought it didn't get downed in shame
ihateFMLJkxD 0
Maybe she'll get over it? ._.
MigraineurOfLife 15
He'd rather she 'get around it'!
diegoer 10
Get her to the zoo, maybe she likes hairy monkey tails ;)
I_AmTheStig 0
That wasn't funny. It should be more like: She should become a herpetologist and learn about millions of different kinds of snakes and ones that are okay to touch and ones that aren't.
SadDashie92 3
Why would she like hairy monkey tails -_-
ladyLALAA 29
60, your picture + comment made me laugh, you look like scared pony asking his mum.
FrankHotpants 31
Wait a minute, the Stig doesn't talk and most certainly would not make some of the worst comments on FML. Hey everyone 33's a phony! A big fat phony!
whitey53 5
The things about snakes is...they seem to attack
ydi_4_suking 20
This particular snake will happen spit up on her
SirSquishyPants 1
Some cases you have to have you hand around it for a while before it spits though.
ProhibitionRose 14
And in some cases it just spits on you with no warning D:
sm1ggl3 0
Damn, let's hope she changes her mind.
pulkit10 3
Well, you better find someone that is into touching snakes then.