Intimacy: Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 1 256

12/08/2009 04:44

Spicy

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 312

You deserved it 10 010

Best teeth in the game

Shot from both sides

Thanks guys

26/02/2013 16:43

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 367

You deserved it 4 676

29/09/2014 03:00

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 317

You deserved it 4 231

05/10/2009 11:11

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 646

You deserved it 2 351

15/09/2011 04:22

Spicy

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 041

You deserved it 3 130

23/02/2016 22:53

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 285

You deserved it 1 501

23/04/2016 02:22

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 032

You deserved it 1 583

11/12/2012 17:17

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 692

You deserved it 2 166

31/08/2009 16:45

Today, my friend got a babysitter for the kids and told me she was taking me to a party. My son told me his band was playing at a party. I will be 40 tomorrow, so I thought this would be the best surprise birthday party ever. It WAS a surprise birthday party – for a friend of ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 939

You deserved it 3 508

08/03/2012 21:48

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 012

You deserved it 57 040

Nice mental image

By Maggie - 17/03/2020 17:00

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 302

A job well done.

By belly the jelly - 30/10/2017 21:00

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 509

You deserved it 667

19/05/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 416

You deserved it 230

09/12/2018 13:00

Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose ‘to prove that she’s responsible’. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 409

You deserved it 661

This is us

By Anonymous - 15/06/2020 17:04

Today, after 14 years of relationship, him forgetting every anniversary and birthday, and being disloyal several times, my boyfriend offered to buy us friendship rings. Because I according to him, I seem to care for such gestures, and it would fix our problems. 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 2 267

17/04/2017 02:00

Spicy

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 061

You deserved it 572

31/08/2019 16:01

Today, my boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 713

06/08/2011 19:10

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 992

You deserved it 6 271

24/06/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689

You deserved it 3 050

03/07/2011 00:22

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 423

You deserved it 2 689

07/05/2015 21:56

Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 018

You deserved it 3 455

23/04/2011 08:17

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 569

You deserved it 3 654

01/07/2019 12:00

Today, I received a book about sailboats. I'd ordered a book about makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 163

23/09/2010 14:17

Today, I recently graduated from highschool and I went to a college party. I met these girls and told them I graduated college already, to sound cool. I then heard one of them say "I went to middle school with you, and I was in your math class." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 486

You deserved it 61 594

01/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 228

You deserved it 363

22/10/2013 04:44

Today, I opened up to my parents about my depression. Their response was to have a very heated discussion about whose fault it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 929

You deserved it 3 511

Sorry dad

By janess - 09/03/2021 11:00

Today, I forgot my father’s birthday. My father means the world to me, I just have a shit memory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 381

No thanks

By Anonymous - 26/02/2020 20:00

Today, I ask the guy that I like if he want to go to lunch tomorrow at a local restaurant. He answer that he doesn't like their food. I think that's is a no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 300

03/06/2019 00:02

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 159

You deserved it 535

19/04/2016 19:15

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 208

You deserved it 5 006

02/11/2009 06:47

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 721

You deserved it 2 821

19/09/2017 19:30

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 864

You deserved it 464

23/12/2015 15:15

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 737

You deserved it 1 881

12/04/2009 01:42

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 442

You deserved it 5 517

05/03/2009 01:13

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 450

You deserved it 314 641

26/03/2009 18:17

Spicy

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 366

You deserved it 9 159

Sticking together

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 02:01

Today, I was disowned in my family because of the pandemic, after I refused to quit my job and live at my parents house, with them supporting my family, so now no one in my family has acknowledged my existence since August 2020. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 58

14/09/2009 14:13

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 982

You deserved it 5 628

19/05/2017 20:00

Today, I had a job interview. I was almost late due to road closure and being blocked in my street by the trash truck. The "interview" turned out to be a hiring fair, with lots of other people. I had to wait outside for 3 hours in the sun with no shade, water or food. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 369

You deserved it 340

12/02/2012 06:17

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 955

You deserved it 6 456

03/12/2011 18:11

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 152

You deserved it 3 565

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:39

I think you mistyped it so I fixed it. She took my face in her hands and said "These aren't the droids you're looking for"

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:47

11, YES. After that comment, none others matter. OP, just use this as an excuse to take everything she tells you to do as a joke. Everything. Ask her forr cash, if she says no, take it and compliment her on her skills as a comedian.

Comments

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:31

FIRST

emilysanftwsom 0

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:31

OMG, YOU'RE FIRST, DO YOU WANT A PRIZE OR SOMETHING?

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:34

YDI FOR BEING SECOND

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:36

What does she deserve?

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:54

EVERYTHING.

Dabookofnothing 0

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:56

MLIA

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Thursday 13 August 2009 5:45

#1, you are a huge dickface

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Thursday 4 March 2010 22:46

well some parents want grandkids not adopted ones

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 1:31

way to be an ass #2

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Wednesday 10 March 2010 14:19

way to be an ass also, #275

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Friday 12 March 2010 6:13

YOU SICK HOMO BASTARD!!!

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Sunday 13 June 2010 10:49

lol @278

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Monday 14 June 2010 6:11

nice pic 3

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:33

ouch. sucks to be you. =// sorry that you're mum is uncomfortable with your sexuality.

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:34

HOLY CRAP YOU WERE FIRST. My mom would totally do the same thing to me. I'm sorry :(

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 21:42

duude me too >.>

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:35

Shit, she sounds scary.

fegd 0

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Thursday 13 August 2009 0:17

I know right? Her mom sounds like a psycho or something.

emilysanftwsom 0

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:36

Posting order doesn't matter because you're a fuckwit.

emilysanftwsom 0

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:37

@beardo I don't really care that I was second, because my username doesn't rhyme with weirdo.

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:39

I think you mistyped it so I fixed it. She took my face in her hands and said "These aren't the droids you're looking for"

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 17:43

lol

VampiressMiharu 0

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 19:36

I don't get it at all. Help?

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Thursday 13 August 2009 22:40

Move along... move along.

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:44

It's neither, she probably just doesn't want to accept it. Sorry though.

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 20:55

I had the same problem when I told my parents I was suicidal, my dad just said 'no your not'. I told him I tried to kill myself once and he said 'no you didnt' and that was the end of it. FYL some parents just cant handle certain things. You got my sympathy

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 12:46

What a jerk. Eventually she will come to her senses.